Phil: So, Dad, I, uh, I w... I wanted to ask you...
Frank: Oh, boy. No serious talk, okay? Yes, I'm taking all my million pills. You can come over and press my stomach. I'm starting to feel like a bean bag chair.

Frank: You know, your mother and I came here every Sunday for 44 years.
Phil: You miss her, don't you?
Frank: It comes and goes. Fourth of July is rough.
Phil: Really? I didn't realize she was so patriotic.
Frank: Well, it's that hot dog eating contest they have on TV. You know, I always thought that your mother could have been a competitive eater. No food ever expired in our house. She'd see that last day pop up on a pound of bacon or a gallon of milk, and down it went. It was personal for her.

Phil: This takes me to my next question. Um... did you and Mom ever... ever want a-a-another child?
Frank: Well, I suppose all parents wonder how things would have changed if they had a different child.
Phil: I-I didn't... didn't mean a different one. I-I mean an additional one.
Frank: Why do you ask?
Phil: Well, 'cause if you'd had another kid, maybe... maybe he'd have taken over the business and... and you wouldn't have had to sell. I always... I always felt kind of bad that I didn't.
Frank: The answer is no, Phil. Never. Because... Well, you did take over the family business, didn't you? Keeping life light, making it fun for everybody.
Phil: I learned from the best.

Frank: Maybe I do overdo it. I remember your mother was really ticked off at me at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water was boiling. [Phil laughs] Ouch! Ouch! Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today. Don't worry about it.
Phil: Thanks, Pops.
Frank: But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral the way we talked about, right?
Phil: That recording of you banging on that piece of wood screaming, "Let me out of here!"
Frank: [laughs] It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.

Phil: [imitates static on video chat] Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Hello, Philip.
All: Merry Christmas Eve!
Frank Dunphy: Merry Christmas Eve!
Phil: A little- Little lower, Dad.
Frank Dunphy: [deep voice] Merry Christmas Eve!

Frank Dunphy: Cameron, so good to see you again. Now that is a shirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you, Frank. I get 'em online. I'll send you a link.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, well, at home, I smoke sausages. I'll send you a link.

Jay: Didn't expect to find you here.
Frank Dunphy: Well, listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.
Jay: I don't think you met my wife, Gloria.
Gloria: Hola.
Frank Dunphy: Oh, it's a pleasure. You are a lovely woman.
Gloria: You must be Frank.
Frank Dunphy: Okay, then, you are hotter than a Las Vegas sidewalk on the Fourth of July. Did I go too far?
Jay: Not you, Frank. No.

Phil: [answering phone] Honeydew! What's up?
Claire: Guess who's here. Your dad! He drove his R.V. All the way up from Cocoa Beach.
Frank Dunphy: Hey, Son, working hard? He's gonna say "Hardly working."
Phil: I meant to tell you he was driving out.
Frank Dunphy: Did he say it?
Claire: Oh, yeah.
Frank Dunphy: Good kid.

Phil: Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Come on in! It's open! Hey! Ah, don't tell me. You need a cup of sugar.
Phil: [chuckles] Nah. Just, uh- I was just wondering, I don't know, uh- Anything on the old noodle?
Frank Dunphy: Other than a bad toupee? I'm kidding, of course. This is my real hair.

Frank Dunphy: Good news, you two. You're getting your driveway back. I'm hitting the open road in the morning.
Claire: Oh, already?
Frank Dunphy: Yeah.
Phil: Anxious to get home and see Mom, huh?
Frank Dunphy: No, I'm just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me, which is usually into the next lane.
Alex: Can we get some sodas, Grandpa?
Frank Dunphy: Okay, but just one. I'm driving.