Frank Dunphy: It's nothing.
Phil: Oh, it's nothing? Nothing to do with Mom?
Frank Dunphy: No! Well, yeah. I've fallen in love.
Phil: Oh, my God. Who is she?
Frank Dunphy: He!
Phil: What?
Frank Dunphy: It's that little guy right over there. [to Scout] Come on over here. Come on. Come on. There you go. Ah, look at him. Driving across country, this little bastard nuzzled his way right into my heart, didn't ya?
Phil: So this is just about you not wanting to leave the dog? Well, you should tell Mom.
Frank Dunphy: Those three days on the road with him were the happiest of my life.
Phil: You should leave that part out.

Phil: [aside to camera] I didn't need a torx screwdriver. I've always wanted one, though. But I needed them out of the house, so I could call a guy.
[cut to:]
Phil: Dad, help me.
Frank: [on video chat] Are we gonna do that thing again where you try on different outfits like in "Pretty Woman"?

Phil: The gas is on, dad. I can see the spark from the igniter. I don't know what it is.
Frank: [over video chat] That's your thermocouple. You get a little sediment in there or some rust, and you're done for.
Phil: The thermocouple. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be buggin' you with this stuff.
Frank: Are you kiddin' me? I love to help. Makes me feel like you still need me.
Phil: Of course I need you. You're the best when it comes to this.

Frank: [over video chat] Hey, make sure you tell Claire how pretty she looks tonight. A woman needs to hear that.
Phil: You do the same with mom.
Frank: No, your mom's a little tired of hearing how pretty Claire is.
Phil: Good one! All right. Love you.
Frank: Love you, too.

Claire: How are you holding on, hmm?
Phil: Oh, well, you know, we're getting through it. Huh, dad?
Frank: Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble sleeping. I'm so used to her snoring, I may have to borrow the neighbor's bulldog.

Frank: Morning, Charlotte! This is my family from California!
Charlotte: I can tell. They all look like movie stars.
Cameron: Oh, thank you.
Jay: That's nuts. I know that woman, but I have no idea from where.
Frank: Yeah. This place is full of stories like that.

Alex: Grandma looks so happy here.
Frank: Yeah. We were pretty hammered. That was last 4th of July, Grandma's favorite holiday. The Plimptons had a barbecue, and gram and I got a little tipsy on ginger margaritas. We came home for a catnap and slept right through the big fireworks show. First one she ever missed. Boy, was she mad. I made it up to her with a little fireworks show of our own later.
Alex: Grandpa!
Frank: A couple of glow sticks and a slingshot in the backyard.
Alex: Oh.
Frank: Which led to some pretty memorable lovemaking.

Luke: Here's what we've got to work with.
Phil: Nicely done. I've got Florida on the line. Dad, I'm flying you in. You're the model expert.
Frank: [over video chat] What are we looking at, son? Holy Moses. More like Apollo 1,300 pieces! In space, I guess no one can hear you be hilarious.

Haley: How was your road trip?
Frank: The highlight came in Branson, Missouri when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's SUV. The exchange of information was hilarious but frustrating.
Haley: I don't understand anything that's happening.
Frank: [in Russian accent] "In my country, car has insurance for me." That sort of thing.
Alex: Just laugh. One day we'll treasure these moments.

Phil: Hey, Dad, what's the What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth movie? My friends here were wondering.
Frank: That's my cue. Time to help my boy get rid of a boat. Uh, Lady from Shanghai?
Phil: That's the one.
Frank: I-I can't remember all the details. Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie. Or was it a baby? Funny thing none of it was in Shanghai. Or was all of it in Shanghai? Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. So either the horse or this baby...