Fran: When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis. It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast, and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese-type substance. Now, join me over here...
Dewey: Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?
Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.
Reese: My God! Women are the cows of people!

Lois: Good morning, Malcolm. There's money on the counter for your yearbook.
Malcolm: I don't want to buy a yearbook. I don't want anything that will remind me I ever went to that stupid school.
Reese: How can you say that? Being part of a group is important. Don't you care about loyalty? I think loyalty is the most important thing there is.
Lois: Well, I'm glad at least one of my sons knows something about that.
[Reese sees the mail man walking down the drive:]
Reese: [shouts through the window] Hey! What are you doing here?! This isn't your house! You don't live here! We live here! This is our house! What do you want?! Huh?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What?!

Malcolm: [to camera] I did the math once. It turns out every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
Hal: Hey, look at this. I made a pea angel. [laughter]
Lois: Oh, you're a pea angel. Stop playing with your food. [Lois smiles with her teeth caked in food] [laughter]
Reese: [aims a spoonful of mashed potato] Oh, Mom...
Lois: Don't you dare.
Reese: Relax, I wasn't really going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: Well, don't accuse me of something that I wasn't going to do.
Malcolm: [to camera] Interesting mood shift. It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this. So let me just put it this way: [points to Lois] dynamite... [points to Reese] kid with matches.

Malcolm: It's not funny. It's awful. I did something horrible. Don't you even care?
Hal: Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake.
Reese: Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? What enemies?
Reese: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this... they'll know we're capable of anything. [birds squaw]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so it's not just me, right? There's something seriously wrong with this family.

Lois: I don't understand why you don't want to go to this picnic, Malcolm. I think it sounds like fun.
Hal: Yeah, sitting on the grass, eating barbecue.
Malcolm: It's Krelboyne. It's not going to be on the grass because half the class is allergic. And don't expect any meat either, because they all voted not to serve anything that ever had a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Oh, man, two guys as your parents? That house has got to be a dude's paradise.

Dewey: You're going to throw that at Mom?
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Hal: Jeez Louise. Reese.
Lois: Hal, I can handle this. Reese, I'm warning you.
Reese: I wasn't going to. But if you think I would, then maybe I should.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, good. Now he's panicking.
Lois: Just put the spoon down and apologize.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, she gave him an out.
Reese: Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything. Just stop talking! Just stop talking and let me think!

Hal: Wow. How do they get the meat this tender?
Reese: Well, that's the thing about veal. Imagine if you took Jamie and put him in a little box where he would never see daylight. You don't let him move so his muscles don't get all tough. He's basically blind and you force-feed him nothing but milk. [cutesy voice to Jamie] That's what makes him taste so good.

Reese: I think the word everyone is tiptoeing around is "feud."
Hal: That's a bit drastic, Reese.
Reese: No, Dad, a feud is just what this family needs. Having a common enemy will hone our skills and unite us in a brotherhood of blood.

Reese: I got to tell you, Malcolm, sometimes I'm so good, it's scary.
Malcolm: What are you doing with toilet paper?
Reese: I got my hands on some canned fruit. I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs. And I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the specially "seasoned" meat loaf works its magic, I can name my price.
Malcolm: You know, that's not only unbelievably evil but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
Reese: I don't know what it is. I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Malcolm: How do you go through your life without worrying that bad things are going to happen?
Reese: I don't know. I guess if I feel myself starting to worry, I just sing the Minty-Mint song in my head. [sings] They're cool, they're fresh, they'll clean your breath Minty-Mints are your breath's friend.
Malcolm: So, when I just asked you that question about failing, you were thinking about that song?
Reese: Yep.
Lois: [o.s.] Boys, for the last time, get in here, and help me with these groceries now!
Reese: [lays back down on bed] Minty-Mints are your breath's friend. [chuckles]