Reese: I think the word everyone is tiptoeing around is "feud."
Hal: That's a bit drastic, Reese.
Reese: No, Dad, a feud is just what this family needs. Having a common enemy will hone our skills and unite us in a brotherhood of blood.

Spangler: No! No! No! Do you think Colonel North is going to be impressed by such a sloppy group of cadets? Now, we are going to do this and keep doing it until you get it right! All right, now, once more. With feeling. And...
Cadets: [sing] Candy Man Hey Candy Man Who can take a sunrise Who can take a sunrise Sprinkle it with dew Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two Candy Man Candy Man Oh, the Candy Man can The Candy Man can The Candy Man can 'Cause he mixes it with love And makes the world taste good Oh, oh, oh The Candy Man makes Everything he bakes Satisfying and delicious Do-do-do-do-do-do... Talk about your childhood wishes
Spangler: You can even eat the dishes. [cadets harmonize]

Malcolm: [to camera] This has been going on for days. I can't believe everybody fell for Josh's stupid lie. Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll go away. People have short memories, right?
Dewey: [jumps rope and sings] Late at night, when you're sleeping That's when Malcolm Comes a-peeping You better watch out You better beware Or Malcolm will see your underwear.
Malcolm: What are you doing? Where did you learn that?
Dewey: At school. [jumps rope and sings] One, two, three, four Malcolm's at your bedroom door Five, six, seven...

Police Officer: We've had a report that you've been seen prowling in the neighbors' yards and peeking in their windows.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: So you've decided to become a Peeping Tom? A Peeping Tom?!
Malcolm: But I didn't do it. Why would I want to look in anybody's windows? Have you seen the people in this neighborhood?
Hal: Peeping isn't about looks, son. It's about the thrill and exhilaration of observing someone without their knowledge.

Lois: What you looking at?
Hal: Reese's report card. It is much better than last time.
Lois: Really?
Hal: Yeah. This time he used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade.
Lois: Look at that. He gave himself a "C" in math instead of an A+.
Hal: Yeah, it's subtle. Nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
Lois: Three months scrubbing toilets.

Spangler: When you men are done here, I expect to see each and every one of you on the parade ground practicing your close order drill.
Francis: But, sir, we just did close order drill.
Spangler: Is that what that was? It looked like physical therapy at a head trauma ward.
Francis: Sir, we've been cleaning and drilling for 36 hours. I think, by law, we're supposed to be allowed to sleep. Why are we doing this?
Spangler: Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I can no longer contain my excitement. Marlin Academy is about to be visited by one of the last living heroes. Gentlemen, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, United States Marine Corps, Retired, is coming here to give you a motivational speech.
Finley: Sir, isn't he a convicted felon?
Spangler: That conviction was overturned.
Eric: So was mine, but I'm still stuck here.
Spangler: Well, if you had a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, two Purple Hearts, and a nationally syndicated radio call-in show, then maybe you could have had a deal. But since you don't... you can shut your piehole!

Hal: We've got a moving van next door! Ooh, espresso-maker. Leather couch... I'm thinking upscale professional.
Lois: Well, if they're living here, they haven't managed their money very well.
Malcolm: Families keep moving in and out of that house. I wonder why.
[montage: Reese and Malcolm putting flaming dog poop on a man's doorstep; Reese accidentally knocking out a neighbor with a baseball bat which flew out of his hand; Hal accidentally running over a neighbor's pet as he reversed off the drive]
Malcolm: Maybe the house is haunted.

Josh: So, what's there to do around here?
Malcolm: Well, there's a pothole we like to jump with our bikes.
Dewey: They filled it.
Malcolm: There's a dead squirrel we like to poke at. That should be good for a few more days. And there's always the dried-up creek and the flooded park. [to camera] Boy, if it wasn't for that squirrel, my life would be really pathetic.

Lois: Your daughter is biting my son.
Tina: Oh, no, they're just playing.
Reese: Ow! It hurts! It hurts! Mommy!
Lois: [grabs Emily's nose] Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're going to have to open your mouth and let go of my son. [Emily lets go of Reese's leg]
Tina: What are you doing?
Lois: Just a little trick I picked up.
Tina: How dare you touch my daughter.
Lois: She was gnawing on my son. If you're not going to control her...
Tina: Are you questioning my parenting?
Lois: I don't know. I haven't seen it yet.
Tina: How nice. This from a woman raising a pervert.
Lois: Where was he supposed to look? You got 'em laid out like a couple eggs on a plate.
Malcolm: I wasn't...
Tina: Emily, Josh, I don't want you playing with these awful children anymore.
Lois: Hey, my...! Well, they may be awful, but they're a hell of a lot better than your two brats.

Tina: Damn it! Damn it, Hector, not over there! Are you deaf or stupid or both?! Could you please try to be a little less useless? Where is the sun? Do you see the sun?! I told you to dig the holes over there! El sol?! God, you people drive me nuts with your laziness!
Lois: What is the matter with you?!
Tina: Excuse me?
Lois: You can't talk to him like that! He's a human being. You talk to him like he's some kind of animal.
Tina: I will deal with the help the way I want to.
Lois: He is not "the help." He's not a servant or a slave. [Hector is using a leaf blower to move a discarded can] He's a professional. He's a person with a skill. A skill you do not have, which is why you hired him! [to Hector] Oh, for God's sake, just pick it up!