Lois: Unbelievable! You invite me up here for a celebration, and instead, you blindside me?! You told complete strangers that I'm a monster!
Francis: Mom, I acknowledge your anger.
Lois: Well, get ready to acknowledge a lot more! Oh, you "forgive me," Francis? Do you forgive me for twenty-seven hours of labor? For staying up all night with you when you were sick with a 105-degree temperature?! For the thousands of hours I spent trying to get you to do your homework?!
Francis: Yes, Mom, I forgive you.
Lois: So it's all my fault that your life is messed up and you're an alcoholic?! I'm the source of everything wrong with your life?!
Francis: Mom, I'd love to get into this, but we don't talk about these things outside the meeting.
Lois: Well, get your coat. We're going back.

Mr. Hodges: And the pig was actually wearing lipstick? [chuckles]
Lois: Reese was devastated.
Mr. Hodges: I can just imagine. And- And I don't like it. No, no, no, not one little bit. Now, uh, what is it that you want me to do?
Lois: Look, I know that Reese has not been a model student, and once again, I want to apologize for your tires. And your mailbox. And your lawn fountain. But what those girls did is just cruel, and I need to see them punished.
Mr. Hodges: All right, you let me see what I can find out. Now, these girls are obviously quite clever. I mean, where do you even find a pig? And then we have to get it over to your house, and put makeup on it. Reese was completely blindsided, huh?
Lois: You know what? I have had it. How would you like it if I called the Superintendent and told him all about this?
Mr. Hodges: Great. I'll put him on the speaker phone. [chuckles]

Lois: Unbelievable. I've never witnessed anything like that in my entire life.
Hal: There's no excuse for it.
Lois: How did an immature jerk like that get to be principal of a high school, Hal? How?
Hal: Well, with what they-
Lois: He actually laughed. He couldn't care less that our son is curled up on his bed and completely devastated by this.
Hal: Honey, I think you actually got chunks of cutting board in the salad.
Lois: Well, I happen to be very upset, Hal.
Hal: I'm upset, too. And this principal sounds like a real idiot, but, you've talked to him, and if he's not going to do anything about it, I don't see what else we can do.
Lois: Well, you know what, Hal? That's just unacceptable to me.

Malcolm: I knew I'd find you here!
Lois: Well, congratulations, Columbo. Now, move, we're in a hurry.
Malcolm: Mom, no! What you're doing is crazy. It goes against everything you've ever taught us.
Reese: You don't get it, Malcolm. This is a one time thing, due to very special circumstances. Tell him, Mom.
Lois: Get out of our way!
Malcolm: This is not going to happen.

Reese: It's a shame it was over so quickly.
Lois: I know. Maybe we can go bowling together some time.
Reese: I'd like that.
Malcolm: [tied up in the back] Unbelievable. So as long as you can rationalize your behavior, I guess you can do whatever you want. There are no rules, huh, Mom? Is that what you're saying?
Lois: Oh, Malcolm, for Pete's sake. Don't be so upset. I'll do something with you next week.

Malcolm: The point is... I like her, but she's not exactly what I consider to be... a cute girl.
Lois: Oh, this is going to be a tricky one. Here, hold this. [flicks Malcolm's ear]
Malcolm: Ow.
Lois: What is wrong with you? You're attracted to her, she's attracted to you. The only problem is in your head. Listen, if you try to build relationships on looks, you are in for a world hurt. I mean, take Janet here. Twenty years ago, she married her husband because she thinks he looks like Lee Majors. And today, he's lost all his hair, he's gained 200 pounds, and she is stuck with a blimp who won't even put on his shirt to come to the dinner table. She is reduced to trying to win attention by bringing home a truck. I mean, how sad is that?
Janice: [sobs and puts face in hands] That is what I'm doing, isn't it?
Announcer: There's another one. 36 down. They are dropping like flies, ladies and gentlemen.
Lois: [to her remaining opponents] You see that? That took courage.

Lois: If you are 99% sure you turned your oven off, don't drive yourself crazy. Besides, dogs have an instinct to run away from fire. [man runs away]
Announcer: Well, there was number three. And then they were two. Don't go anywhere, folks, we're going to crown a winner.
Lois: So it's just you and me.
Mabel: All the little children have gone home.
Lois: You have any kids?
Mabel: Four.
Lois: Five.
Mabel: Epidurals?
Lois: Please. You tear?
Mabel: Like an old sock.
Announcer: All right ladies, it's time for another bathroom break. [Lois stretches] You're not taking a break, Mabel?
Mabel: I'm good. [drinks]
Lois: [drinks] Me, too.

Dewey: Mom, did you remember to buy the baking soda for my class project?
Lois: Ah, I forgot.
Dewey: What? I asked you like five times.
Lois: That I remember.
Dewey: My science partner's going to hate me. I was supposed to bring in the baking soda for a volcano. Now it's just going to be a mountain full of vinegar.
Lois: Just do what your brother did. Take the baby powder and blame the guy who brought the vinegar.

[When Hal opens his closet door:]
Lois: Gotcha! [Hal gasps] Sorry, Hal, I thought you were someone else.
Hal: What are you doing? How long have you been in there?
Lois: Just a few hours.
Hal: A few hours?! What's going on?
Lois: I don't know, Hal. I think one of the boys is screwing with me. My bookmark was on the wrong page. I found a loose thread on my smock. The car radio was tuned to a station next to the one that I always listen to. Oh, my God, I sound insane, don't I?
Hal: Honey, what you need is to take a step back and clear your head. You know what helps me? Working with Malcolm to weaponize my boat.

Lois: Craig, I need you to cover my Friday night shift. There's a Lifetime movie I want to see. Heather Locklear is a welfare mom trying to get her kids back.
Malcolm: [to himself] Friday?
Craig: I wouldn't want you to miss that, Lois. I cried my eyes out at the part where...
Lois: Shh!
Craig: Right. We'll talk later.