Lois: Now, remember, we only have to be nice to him until he gets close enough to the van to grab him.

Lois: That was a good thing you did, son.
Dewey: Thanks.
Lois: Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice. [takes a photograph of Dewey] Hey! Finally! A picture for your memory book.

Lois: What other jobs can you get?
Malcolm: I've already got three shifts in the cafeteria, Monday and Wednesday at the bookstore, and mopping the dorms at night. I don't know, I guess I could chop vegetables during chem lab.
Hal: This is outrageous! Kids with half your brains are getting full rides!
Lois: Maybe they didn't correct their interviewer on his pronunciation of "Sarte."
Malcolm: [quietly] Sartre.
Hal: I don't care. We will find the money somehow.

Lois: You know, if you want me to take a look at your valedictory speech, I'd be happy to.
Malcolm: Mom, stop it. I don't want anyone to see it until it's ready.
Lois: Fine. But if you ever want some fresh ears...
Malcolm: No, I'm really happy with it. Just let me do this.
Lois: Okay, okay. But why are you quoting a rap group when there are people like Paul McCartney out there who are just as relevant and don't go around showing off the tops of their underpants?

Cedrick Hampton: Now, listen, I'm really not here to socialize. I've seen some of the programming you boys have done. The server-to-server algorithm, the evolution simulator, that's all good stuff.
Stevie: He thinks... we're geniuses.
Cedrick Hampton: Well, good enough for a two-year contract, anyway. Full benefits, stock options. We're talking six figures each.
Hal: Oh, my God! Wait, how many is six?
Cedrick Hampton: I'm not being charitable. I'm locking you in while you're still cheap, but I need an answer right now. Otherwise it's not worth it to me.
Malcolm: Well, I-
Lois: That's a very generous offer, Mr. Hampton, but no.
Malcolm: Mom, what are you?
Lois: Malcolm's going to college, he's going to finish his education. But thank you very much.
Malcolm: He wasn't asking you, he was-
Cedrick Hampton: Ma'am, I completely understand. I should have talked to you first. Consider the offer withdrawn. Sorry, kid. 24/seven job. You'd need your whole family behind you. And don't be mad at your mom. She's only trying to look out for you. Who knows how far I would've gone if I went to college?

Ed: This is unprecedented. There's only one kielbasa left, and it's on Hal's plate. The title is his if he can finish it.
Crowd: [cheers] Hal! Hal! Hal! Hal!
[When the sausage slips out of Hal's greasy hand and goes flying into the air, Lois catches it on her fork]
Crowd: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois!
[After Lois puts the sausage in her mouth, she turns to Hal and they eat it Lady and the Tramp-style. After they have eaten the sausage together, they hug and kiss to the crowd's applause]
Ed: You know, you think you've imagined every possible ending... [sobs]

Piama: That's not evidence! Those are my birth control pills! I brought them with me!
Police Officer: The beagle made a pointy foot. It's out of my hands, lady.
Francis: What the hell is wrong with you? [quietly] At least leave me one.
Lois: Francis, don't make any more trouble than we already have. And you do not have a warrant to vandalize our house! When this is all over, you are going to be chalking tires all the way from here to Montreal!
Police Officer: Don't you threaten me, lady.
[The arguing continues as Dewey plays the keyboard and listens through headphones]
Lois: ...with both hands and a flashlight!

Lois: Hal. Wake up. It's time.
Hal: What? Already? The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent-teacher conference. Here, there's something in this one. Let's go.
Lois: No, Hal, I'm not having the baby. We said we'd finish making out our will tonight.
Hal: Tonight? I didn't agree to that. Besides, how do you know you're not having the baby? You're not a doctor. Come on. I'll meet you there.
Lois: Hal, I have both sets of car keys. And I took the seat off your bike.

Lois: Whatever happened to the silver tea set?
Hal: The boys pounded it into a suit of armor.
Lois: Wedding china, antique stemware, hand-blown crystal butterflies. Why did we even buy those? Hal, we have fewer assets today than we did ten years ago. We can't be this broke. We just can't be. Where are the bank statements?
Hal: Right here. Checks and everything, but you are not going to find anything helpful. By the way, I would like it noted that I tried to avoid this whole evening because I knew this would happen. Maybe in the future, you'll trust my judgment.
Lois: You spent $300 on sequins?

Hal: Oh, my God. Do you realize how much money we spent sending Francis to military school?
Lois: That one we couldn't avoid. He needed the discipline.