Dewey: Aren't you a little old for this?
Francis: Prepare to drink from the Chalice of Brotherhood.
Dewey: Something smells horrible. Is that the drip pan?
Francis: You're not supposed to know.
Dewey: I'm not drinking from that. It's disgusting.
Francis: Yes, it is disgusting, but it must be done.
Dewey: Oh, man. [splutters as he drinks]
Francis: Awesome, Dewey. You did it!
Dewey: I'm done?
Francis: You passed with flying colors. You are now a Full Brother. Now I would like to present to you the Cookie of Brotherhood.
Dewey: That's it?
Francis: What do you mean?
Dewey: I did all that crap for a stupid cookie?
Francis: It's a meaningful cookie. It's a symbol of something really cool and special, you little ingrate.
Dewey: It's a symbol of what an idiot I am.
Francis: You know nothing of fraternity and sacred rituals. Give me back my cookie. [eats cookie]

Lois: I'm sorry you guys are going to miss Stevie's award. Make sure you keep checking in on Dewey.
Francis: What did the doctor say?
Lois: It's weird. He said it's some kind of intestinal thing that people in third world countries get from drinking stagnant water.
Francis: Huh. That is weird.

Malcolm: Francis, I need to talk to you about something. It's weird, but lately I kind of feel like I'm being left out by Reese and Dewey.
Francis: Aw, geez. Look, I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to know about the beach trip.
Malcolm: What?!
Francis: Hey, geez, watch it!
Malcolm: What beach trip?!
Francis: I took Reese and Dewey to the beach last summer. I would've invited you, but you were over at Stevie's.
Malcolm: He lives two blocks away! You have to go by his house to get to the beach! [sighs] Why is this happening? I'm the brother everybody likes the best.
Francis: What are you talking about? I'm the brother everybody likes best.
Malcolm: I meant of the brothers who are still at home.
Francis: That's Dewey.
Malcolm: What? Where am I in the pecking order?
Francis: Malcolm, I am not gonna stand here in a public toilet and rank me, Dewey, Reese, Jamie and you in order of popularity.

Malcolm: Look, I know we don't talk about our emotions, but I don't care anymore. I'm just going to lay it out there. My feelings are hurt. There, I said it. They're hurt because you guys are systematically excluding me. Being excluded is extra hard for me because I see all the other places I don't fit in, and we're brothers. I really want us to be in this together.
Francis: What a gasbag. Your feelings aren't hurt. Your ego is bruised.
Reese: The reason we exclude you sometimes is because you're a drag. You always have to be the special one.
Francis: Even now, this is all about how you feel things more deeply than everyone else. Look, we love you. We just need a break from you once in a while.

Francis: I don't care if you knew the end of that Star Trek episode! I didn't and you ruined it! You can't let anyone else be happy!
Ida: Shut up, monkey! Anyone with half a brain could see the rocks were alive!
Lois: Both of you, stop it! Francis, it does not matter how horribly you act, you are not getting out of this! You are stuck here, so suck it up! [to Ida] And you you are old and injured and you need his help. All your yelling and viciousness does not equal physical strength. You cannot bully a can of soup down off the shelf. You cannot scream it down. You need his help.
Francis: Yeah, you old bat, where's your gratitude?

Francis: Ah, this mud feels fantastic, doesn't it? It's so soothing, I don't even care about all the hundreds of people who left their pubes in here.

Dewey: I win!
Francis: Good job. Okay, Dewey, of all the things we did today, what seemed like it could be more fun? The rainbow obstacle course or the tickle maze or the shower of lollipops?
Dewey: Honest to God, it was all fantastic. It was by far the best day of my life.
Francis: I can make you happier.

Francis: When I was cheering encouragement at you, did it ever make you feel scared or angry?
Dewey: What? No.
Francis: Good. And when you lost at candy tag, did it make you feel bad and want to hurt yourself?
Dewey: What do you talking about Francis? These questions are weird.
Francis: I'm just try understand better, Dewey. I mean, I don't know all the right questions ask kids like you.
Dewey: What do you mean, "kids like me"?
Francis: Well, you're in that class. And this is a special camp for children with your... needs.
Dewey: I'm not emotionally disturbed! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Francis: There's nothing wrong with either of us.
Dewey: I'm not in that class because I'm disturbed! I'm in that class so I can help... You're a jerk!
Francis: Okay, my games obviously have too much sugar.

Dewey: We gotta get out of here. Let's go call the police.
Francis: You're just gonna bail?
Dewey: You don't understand these kids. If I fix this problem, there's going to be a hundred more. It never stops with them!
Francis: Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help. Look, I don't know much, but I do know two things. These kids need your help, you gotta do it. And even though I've never met him, that guy is a total dink.

Dewey: Francis, I'm so glad you're here. Dad promised we'd all have cereal for dinner tonight, and now he won't let us.
Francis: Dewey, I understand. And I swear to you by all that is holy that you will be eating cereal tonight. You can count on me.
Dewey: You're not going to do anything, are you?
Francis: No, I'm not. But I'll tell you what I will do. If you let anyone know I'm here, I will punch you so hard in the stomach, you won't be able to eat cereal for two days. There. Problem solved. [slams door]