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Hal's Christmas Gift

‘Hal's Christmas Gift’

Season 6, Episode 6 - Aired December 19, 2004

After Lois gets into a road rage incident, the family's Christmas budget is wrecked so they decide to make their own presents this year. After seeing the kid's great gifts, Hal can't bear to give them the presents he strung together.

Quote from Francis

Hal: [quietly] I need to borrow $1,800. I'll pay you back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50. I have no money to give these boys a Christmas gift and I'm not even sure where I'm driving. I hate to ask you, but I don't know what else to do. I love you.
Francis: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you... I got fired from my job. I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me. I don't know what we're going to do.
Lois: You're not moving back in! There isn't room enough in the house! Besides, Piama doesn't want to live with us.
Francis: Piama doesn't even know about it. She thinks I'm on vacation. I've been acting like the happiest man in the world the last few weeks just to hide it from her.
Hal: I have to say, I am a little disappointed in you, Francis. You can't hide something like this from the ones you love. Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Francis: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.


Quote from Hal

Hal: Okay, if we get Reese the walkie-talkies with only two channels, we can move $8.20 from his pile to Dewey's pile. Then Dewey can get the Spider-man figure that sticks to walls.
Lois: We have enough stuff that sticks to walls. Dewey can live with the regular Spider-man. Just make sure that Malcolm's pile has enough in it... Hal, we don't have a pile for Jamie.
Hal: Oh, damn it! You know, Jamie's not even old enough to know it's Christmas. We could-
Lois: Hal.
Hal: All right! But this is ridiculous. $93 to get gifts for four boys.
Lois: Well, it's our own fault. We just weren't frugal enough.
Hal: What else can we do? We're already doing no-electricity Wednesdays, lunch lotteries, "family flush".

Quote from Lois

Lois: I don't know what happened. I just lost control of myself. It was like an out-of-body experience, and I was there watching this woman go insane. And the woman was me. But you know what, Hal? I'd do it all over again. It felt great. It was almost worth destroying my car.
Hal: Well, honey, the important thing is no cops were there to see it.
[Reese steps forward]
Lois: No one says a word. This is my one. My one to your 11,000. So, due to unforeseen circumstances, we are now completely broke. Therefore, I am making a proclamation. This will be a handmade Christmas. We're not spending any money on gifts. They will be homemade, and therefore, more personal and more thoughtful.
Reese: But you can't do this!
Hal: Well, I think it's high time we had a handmade Christmas. You boys just don't appreciate the holidays. To you it's nothing but a disgusting orgy of materialism.
Malcolm: But-
Hal: No buts! You're the ones who turned your mother into a ticking time bomb! Oh, you just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander!

Quote from Francis

Francis: Wow, Mom, this is fantastic. I am so happy to be home for Christmas.
Piama: You said this house was Satan's trash can.
Francis: You're quoting me out of context.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] Stupid Christmas vacation. There's nothing to do. I wish I cared about something. Then I could do that.

Quote from Reese

Dewey: You missed it! It was so awesome!
Malcolm: What?
Dewey: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard with your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone and landed in an open grave.
Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: I've been sitting here bored out of my mind for four hours. Why didn't you invite me?
Dewey: Didn't we?
Malcolm: No. You didn't. You walked right by me. I thought you were going out to the garage.
Reese: Huh. Oh, well.
Malcolm: It's not a big deal. It's just that my feelings are kind of- [to camera] Oh, crap!
Reese: Your what are kind of what?
Malcolm: Nothing. Forget it.
Reese: I think someone has feelings, Dewey.
Malcolm: I do not!
Reese: We've gotta make this right.
Dewey: Group hug?
Malcolm: Shut up!
Reese: Oh, listen to those feelings. Come here, you.
Malcolm: Get away from me! [to camera] In our house, that's the "F" word.

Quote from Lois

Lois: Okay, we'll make it work somehow. Just put it into four piles. [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, good news. I decided to come home for Christmas after all.
Lois: Francis, that is, um... great. What a nice surprise that you will be coming home for Christmas. Yes, We'll have the whole family here... exchanging gifts. Piama, too?
Francis: Of course. We can't wait to see you!
Lois: Well, we can't wait to see you. [hangs up]
Hal: Six piles?
Lois: Five. Piama and Jamie can share.

Quote from Lois

Lois: Excuse me? I know you didn't think anyone would catch you, but you just slammed your door into my car. The least you could do is say you're sorry, lady.
Woman: You don't have to take that tone. It's not like I'm hurting your resale value.
Lois: [opens door into her car] I'm sorry. See? Like that.

Quote from Dewey

Hal: Let's see what little Dewey made for his dad.
Lois: Where did you find that? I never take a good picture.
Dewey: I went through every box in the attic and found that one. I made the frame with mementos of your hobbies.
Hal: Wait. You made this frame?
Dewey: Yeah. See it has a little golf club, a fishing pole, a poker hand. I even pasted on the jumble you finished.
Hal: Dewey, this is really nice.

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