Hal: Hey, remember before he was born and I had that Harley Da-?
Lois: No motorcycles ever! You do not talk about motorcycles. You do not think, you do not wish, you do not even reminisce about those stupid, idiotic death traps. They do not exist. Motorcycles do not exist! Say it!
Hal: Motorcycles do not exist.
Lois: What does not exist?
Hal: I don't know.
Lois: Good!

Piama: Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch. That was so nice of you. [smashes watch]
Lois: This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP. Oh. Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale. [snaps record in half]
Piama: It still doesn't seem like enough.
Lois: Oh, honey, this is just how we get the creative juices flowing. It's tough. You have to make your husband miserable, but I have to make mine miserable and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.
Piama: Do men ever think about what's gonna happen when they do these stupid things?
Lois: No, that's what's weird about men, they never do. I guarantee you those two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
Piama: So no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
Lois: You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.

Piama: "Oh, I'm really looking forward to dinner." What a jerk.
Lois: I don't know what I'm gonna end up doing to him. All I know is every stroke of this brush strengthens my killing arm.
Piama: Do you have another bucket? I can get started on the tracks in the living room.
Lois: Oh, I'll just end up redoing them all myself anyway. Why don't you just watch some TV? Then you'll be out of the way.
Piama: Lois! No one is as useless as you think I am! My focus should be on hating my husband and planning revenge, not worrying about whether I belong here.
Lois: You are absolutely right. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
Piama: Thank you. I appreciate that. So now what?
Lois: Well, I don't know. We're kind of in uncharted waters here. Drink?
Piama: Absolutely.

Hal: Hey, it's the birthday boy. Or should I say birthday man?
Piama: I know you said not to bring anything, but I brought a salad.
Lois: Oh, thank you, Piama. That's so thoughtful. I'll just take it in the kitchen and rewash it.

Hal: Oh, yeah. Motorcycle trip.
Francis: At first I thought you were just saying it to shut me up.
[flashback:]
Young Francis: You're just saying this to shut me up.
Hal: No, son, this is a promise. On the day of your 21st birthday, I swear by all that is holy, you and I will go on a father-son motorcycle trip, so help me God.
Young Francis: How are you going to get Mom to let you?
Francis: I swear on my life, Francis, nothing will stop this. This is the holiest, most sacred promise between a father and a son. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can ever undo this promise!
[present:]
Hal: Boy, I sure liked to nail things down, didn't I?
Francis: Oh, yeah. It's going to be great.
Hal: Wait, wasn't there...?
[flashback:]
Hal: This is sealed in blood. Do you hear me, son? Sealed in blood.
[present:]
Hal: Oh, crap.

Piama: Mmm. So that's your famous pasta sauce Francis talks so much about?
Lois: Yeah, I only make it for birthdays and acquittals. One time it was both.
Piama: I just love the smell of home cooking.
Lois: Really? Do you know there's a way to get that smell in your own house?

Dewey: We're going to be stuck in here forever.
Malcolm: It'll be fine. Eventually, he'll get bored, or tired, or die of starvation.
Reese: But who knows how long that could take? I'm going crazy here. I mean, look at me, I'm reading a book!

Piama: Give me the tape, and I'll get this side.
Lois: Oh, I got it. This tape dispenser is tricky. It'll take me longer to explain it.

Dewey: Wow. Those are cool.
Hal: [covers Dewey's mouth] Listen, do not say a word about this. If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21, I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship. A rocket ship, Dewey. I swear on my life. I swear on everything that is sacred, as God is my witness.
Dewey: Ow.
Hal: Oh, how did you...? Eh, I don't care. Francis, come on, quickly.

Francis: Thanks for doing this, Dad.
Hal: [inspects book] You know, son, you should always pick battles that are big enough to matter, but small enough to win.
Francis: Yeah, okay.
Hal: [looks at book again] I say life is the only real counselor. Wisdom unfiltered through personal experience does not become part of the moral tissue.
Francis: Dad, you feeling okay?
Hal: Never mind.