Lorelai: What's number two?
Kirk: Number two: Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg.
Lorelai: Chargogga-what?
Kirk: An old nipmuck Indian name. Means "You fish on your side of the lake, I'll fish on my side, no one fishes in the middle." Or maybe it means "Buffalo."
Lorelai: It's unpronounceable. Next.
Kirk: From 1768, something flavorful. Crusty Bulge.
Lorelai: Oh, come on!
Kirk: Is that a no?
Lorelai: Yes, that's a no. Kirk, these are not legitimate choices.

Luke: I feel like an idiot.
Kirk: Just relax, Luke. It should only take a couple more minutes.
Luke: I've been following you around for half an hour.
Kirk: I know there's a wireless internet hub around here somewhere. Ah! No. Encrypted. I used to use the bank's access, but I had to stand right in front of the Versateller machine, and they got very snippy about that. And Doose's had it for a while, but Taylor but a block on it. It's sad what this world is coming to.

Lorelai: Hi, Lorelai Gilmore. I'm here to make your stay and the rest of the New England maple syrup council's stay as comfortable as possible.
Liam: So far, so good. Love the local color here.
Lorelai: Kirk, it's really not appropriate to be standing right next to me like this.
Kirk: But we work together.
Lorelai: But not here.
Kirk: Liam, can I ask you a question?
Lorelai: No, that's inappropriate, too, to ask him a-
Kirk: Would you pay a dollar to have your fortune told by a dog?
Liam: A dog?
Lorelai: It's for a carnival. It's very cute.
Kirk: A dog that has no experience telling people's fortunes?
Liam: I don't know.
Kirk: Well, you're no help.
Lorelai: Well, just part of our local color. He's purple. [chuckles] Get it? 'Cause local color and he's a color.

Kirk: European hot chocolate. It's like mud but chocolaty.

Kirk: What?
Lane: You're disgusting, and you're cheating on your juice diet.
Kirk: I didn't cheat. I expanded the definition of "juice." I feel dirty.

Lorelai: You're a realtor?
Kirk: Trainee, technically.
Lorelai: Well, take your training somewhere else, okay? You're scaring away all my customers. And my staff.
Kirk: Unfortunately, there is nowhere else. Trainees don't get offices. Or salaries. Or jackets, actually.
I'm supposed to be having this dry-cleaned for one of the senior brokers. Smells a little funky, but fits like a dream. [into headset] You've got Kirk. Yes, Mrs. Zellner. Right, the Dragonfly Inn. See you this afternoon.
Lorelai: Wait, you're meeting clients here?
Kirk: Only a few.
Lorelai: No.
Kirk: I promise I'll be out of your hair as soon as I make my bones. I just need a temporary place to conduct my business and potentially have sex with prospective clients.
Lorelai: What?
Kirk: That's Kirk's other thing. The young, virile, eye-candy angle for lonely widows and aging divorcées. Works like a charm. I plan on running it by Lulu, of course.

Lorelai: Kirk, get out of here. Take your jacket and your dippy Star Trek device and your creepy new career and scram.
Kirk: Fine. But I would've expected a little more cooperation from you, considering what I'm doing for your parents.
Lorelai: What are you doing for my parents?
Kirk: Oh, shoot. I should not have said that.
Lorelai: Said what?
Kirk: Nothing. I can neither confirm nor deny that your parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow.
Lorelai: [gasps] My parents are looking for a place in Stars Hollow?
Kirk: I can't say. The realtor trainee-client privilege is sacrosanct. The manual's very clear on that.
Lorelai: How long have they been looking?
Kirk: I've already said too much. It isn't even my account. The entire firm is working on it.
Lorelai: How long, Kirk?
Kirk: All I know is they're looking, they're pricing. They've seen three gracious single-family Tudors this week, and they have a 2:00 p.m. showing tomorrow at 546 Oak Ridge Lane. But I cannot and will not violate their confidence.

Kirk: I have to ask you something. Do you think he's yummy enough?
Rory: Who?
Kirk: Troy.
Rory: The bartender?
Kirk: Yes. See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow, but they really have to be yummy. I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood. Which, by the way, was the original name of the business, but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.
Rory: Really?
Kirk: Yeah. Now, when I first met Troy, I thought he was the epitome of yummy, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.
Rory: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk. I think Troy's plenty yummy.

Luke: What can I get you, Kirk?
Kirk: How about a steaming cup of chicory coffee?
Luke: It's not on the menu, Kirk.
Kirk: I know. It's on the sign.
Luke: That's a mistake.
Kirk: Well, now all I can think about is chicory coffee. I'm very susceptible to signage.
Luke: Well, come back when you're susceptible to ordering off the menu.

Kirk: The movie's all ready to go.
Lorelai: Okay, thanks, Kirk.
Kirk: I just need it back for the Weinstein retirement party. Mel Weinstein's a nut for John Hughes movies.