Lorelai: Keep him occupied for a second.
Sookie: Hi, Paul Anka. You want to come have a sleepover at my house, huh? What are you doing?
Lorelai: Uh, he freaks out if he sees his leash. You have to make sure you hide it from him, make sure he doesn't see you putting it on him.
Sookie: How is he once he's on the leash?
Lorelai: Oh, he's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.

Lorelai: Hey. Did I wake you? 'Cause I brushed my teeth in the shower so you wouldn't hear the sink run.
Luke: No, you didn't wake me up.
Lorelai: But then it occurred to me while I was in the shower that you could probably hear the shower run, and that defeated the purpose of the whole shower-toothbrush combo.
Luke: Why are you up so early?
Lorelai: Oh, well, you know me.
Luke: I do, so why are you up so early?
Lorelai: I have chores.
Luke: It's 6:00 in the morning.
Lorelai: Well, it's early morning chores.
Luke: What's early morning chores?
Lorelai: You know, just milking cows, feeding chickens, slopping pigs.
Luke: You have to slop pigs?
Lorelai: Well, they're certainly not gonna slop themselves.

Paris: I can't get anyone to write their names on their cups and use them again. It doesn't seem that hard. Open sharpie, write name.
Rory: Maybe people don't want to reuse a paper cup.
Paris: Well, then, hopefully people who don't want to reuse a paper cup won't mind buying SPF5000 for their grandkids when the rainforest is gone and the ozone layer is a doily and the human race is bursting into flames.
Rory: Maybe we could just tell everyone to bring a mug for their water.
Paris: We could, but they won't bring a mug, just like they won't properly proof their articles or double-check their sources.

Lorelai: Once upon a time, there was a big house with thick glass windows and heavy stone walls and a slightly pornographic fountain in the driveway. And all the animals in the forest were scared of the house 'cause they thought that the house was haunted, and so did all the villagers in the small hamlet of Hartfordshireville. "Maids go in, but they never come out," they would whisper on the street. How are we doing?
Rory: Keep going.
Lorelai: One day, a beautiful, young cowherderess walked by the house.
Rory: Cowherderess?
Lorelai: Hey, we could just go in, you know?
Rory: Cowherderess is walking by.
Lorelai: And suddenly she felt the unbearable need for a strand of pearls and a snifter of 100-year-old scotch. So, abandoning her cows, she climbed over the high walls and dropped onto the just-redone tiled walkway and rushed toward the enchanted French doors that the queen had never been happy with because the hardware was not what she had picked, and she refused to pay that idiot designer that she hired off of a recommendation, and-- Okay, seriously, this didn't work when you were 4. I am not sure why you thought it would do any good now. [sighs] It's gonna be fine.

Paris: Our pictures have sucked eggs lately, and so I sent out two photographers to cover the same story. They each came back with about 40 of the crappiest pictures ever to have been committed to film. Completely unusable.
Rory: It was supposed to be a picture of a football game.
Paris: I know.
Rory: Well, was there one with a guy in a helmet holding a ball? Because that's really all you need.
Paris: They were predictable and standard.
Rory: Guy in helmet holding ball.
Paris: Cover of the Harvard Crimson after the big game, guy with helmet holding ball. Stanford game, guy in helmet holding ball. I wanted something more, okay? Something that really said something about the game.
Rory: Like "we forgot to go"?
Paris: And then, of course, when the temperamental artistes found out I had double-booked the gig, they threw Naomi Campbell-level hissy fits and quit.

Sookie: Why do you do this? Why do you want to make yourself miserable?
Lorelai: He has a kid.
Sookie: Who has a kid?
Lorelai: Luke has a kid.
Sookie: Luke has a kid?
Lorelai: Luke has a kid.
Sookie: A kid, like a goat?
Lorelai: A kid, like a daughter.

Lorelai: It's okay. It hurts so good, as Mr. Mellencamp said. Is it bleeding?
Luke: No, no.
Lorelai: Okay. That's okay. I'll see you.

Lorelai: He's completely in shock, and he's trying to handle it the best way he can.
Sookie: Drinking?
Lorelai: No.
Sookie: Xanax?
Lorelai: No. He's trying to be a father, and I applaud that.

Sookie: I wonder if Jackson has a love child.
Lorelai: What?
Sookie: I saw this kid wandering around town the other day. He looked exactly like Jackson, and his voice was exactly like Jackson's, plus he was holding a banana, so I think he likes fruit.
Lorelai: Sookie, Jackson doesn't have a son he doesn't know about.
Sookie: Why not? Luke had a daughter he didn't know anything about.
Lorelai: I know.
Sookie: You think Luke's the only one with a past? You think Jackson was a monk when I met him? He had seed, and he passed it around.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Well, I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check.
Richard: There wasn't?
Lorelai: No, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for.
Richard: By whom?
Lorelai: By Christopher.
Emily: Christopher who?
Lorelai: Christopher Isherwood. That Cabaret money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, Mom.