Luke: What can I get you, Kirk?
Kirk: What do you think?
Luke: About what?
Kirk: Letting the beard grow.
Luke: Nice. What can I get you?
Kirk: First couple of days, it was itching like crazy, but now I'm used to it, although I find myself doing this a lot. [thinking gesture]
Luke: What do you want to eat, Kirk?
Kirk: Last weekend, I accidentally wrote all over my face with a Sharpie, and Lulu thought it looked kind of sexy. That's where I got the idea.
Luke: It looks really good, Kirk. Now, can I take your order?
Kirk: Hmm. [thinking gesture]
Luke: I'll come back.

Luke: You can't do this. It's an invasion of privacy.
Kirk: Something to fear, Luke?
Luke: You can't take pictures of people for driving by the diner. It's probably not even legal.
Kirk: Spoken like a man with something to hide.

Luke: Look at this. French toast, pancakes, buttermilk pancakes. You stole my menu.
Kirk: You did not invent pancakes, Luke. Anyway, I heard Luke's went out of business.
Luke: Luke's did not go out of business. Luke's is closed for repairs. And you want to know why it's closed? Because some nincompoop yesterday drove his car through my diner!
Kirk: Would you care to step outside for a moment, Luke?
Luke: Outside? Outside what?
Kirk: I think it would behoove you not to use slanderous language like nincompoop in my place of business, Luke, because, let me tell you, it is only out of the kindness of my heart that I am not suing the pants off of you.
Luke: [laughs] You're gonna sue me after you crash a car into my diner and bust a giant hole in my wall?
Kirk: For all you know, I could have brain damage.
Luke: Oh, I'm pretty sure you do. You know what, Kirk? Go ahead. Sue me. Crash into my diner, make me lose a week's business, make me pay for the repairs, and then sue me for damages - for brain damages! That sounds fair.

Kirk: Luke, calm down. I get where you're coming from. I think we can work something out.
Luke: What is this?
Kirk: A job application. The way business is picking up, I'm totally gonna need a fry guy. [Luke sighs] What, it sounded like your finances were kind of tight. If you came expecting a handout, you came to the wrong guy. I'm of the "teach a man to fish" school, Luke. [Luke balls up the application] You do not throw trash on the floor of a restaurant, Luke. Not cool.

Kirk: What kind of sandwich is that, Luke?
Luke: Ham and cheese.
Kirk: Is it stinky cheese?
Luke: Cheddar.
Kirk: Because you really don't want to pack April a lunch with stinky cheese. By lunchtime, the whole bag will smell, and people won't believe it when she says it's just the cheese. They'll think it's her. They'll think she's stinky.
Luke: Eat your breakfast, Kirk.

Kirk: Lulu! She's smothering me!
Luke: Smothering you?
Kirk: Everywhere I go, there she is. I'm sitting at the movies. Who's sitting next to me? Lulu. I go out to dinner. Who's sitting across from me? Lulu. I'm hanging out on the couch, watching TV. Who's right there next to me?
Luke: Your mother.
Kirk: And Lulu. And at least mother respects my personal space. Sometimes when you're watching Antiques Roadshow, you just don't want somebody tickling your arm.

Kirk: I am. Giving Lulu the old heave-ho, hitting the eject button.
Luke: Kirk?
Kirk: I owe it all to you, buddy.
Luke: Me?
Kirk: You inspired me. I look at you, and I think, "this guy's doing it right. Slave to no master." You come home at 3:00 in the morning, no one cares. You want to eat dessert for dinner, no one cares. You walk around in tube socks and tighty whities, no one cares. No one cares what you do or where you go. So, what do you say, Luke? You want to be my wingman, Goose to my Maverick? [sings] You never close your eyes anymore When I kiss your lips And there's no tenderness
Luke: Listen, you pinhead, you should be kissing the ground that Lulu walks on. Why that sweet girl lets you within a hundred miles of her is beyond me, but she does. You are the luckiest man on the planet to have a girl like that looking out for you and caring about you. And if you say so much as one unkind word to her, I will personally break every bone in your body. You got me?

Lane: Kirk, what are you doing?
Kirk: Trying to feel a kick.
Lane: You're gonna feel a kick if you don't get your hand off my stomach.
Kirk: So, I don't know if you've decided where you're gonna drop this little load, but I highly recommend Woodbury Memorial, where I was born.
Lane: Good to know.
Kirk: The maternity suites there are primo, and they let the mother hold the baby post-delivery as long as she wants. Explains a lot about the relationship between me and my mother.
Lane: Yes, it does.

Kirk: You know, baby's first Christmas is approaching. Have you given thought to what baby's first Christmas gift will be wrapped in?
Liz: No.
Kirk: I have baby Santa, cuddly reindeers, Frosty's world-
Luke: Kirk.
Kirk: Yeah, okay.

Kirk: So business has been going like gangbusters.
Luke: Congratulations.
Kirk: Yeah, I'm destroying those Stars Hollow middle school kids. Destroying. Outselling them by three or four times. I think it's safe to say they won't be getting their new gym anytime soon.
Luke: You must be very proud.
Kirk: I am. Sure there's been an increase in prank phone calls, but so what? I can answer the phone all day long.
Luke: I'm sure.
Kirk: And so they've ordered pizzas to my house day and night. You know what? I love pizza. Bring it on. They think they're intimidating me, but I'm not scared.
Luke: 12-year-olds don't scare you.
Kirk: Not at all.