Norm: Yeah, or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
Carla: You are a failure.
Norm: Well, then I've licked it.

Dr. Sheila Rydell: My professional opinion of you is that your every thought, word and deed revolves around sex. You have nothing else in your life. Without constant sex, you'd probably just shrivel up into a little, dried anchovy and die.
Sam: Well, who wouldn't? I mean, that's it? No bad stuff?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, there's nothing but bad stuff. You're an aging lothario who uses sex to cover up massive insecurity, a fear of true intimacy, fear of a relationship and quite frankly, not only a fear of dying, but a fear of living, too. You're one sick cowpoke.
Sam: I resent that. You know, you were shoveling down that lobster tonight like there was no tomorrow. You know, you even ate the green stuff and this is the thanks I get?

Carla: Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Mr. Cool, I hate to burst your bubble again, but didn't she just shoot you down? Hey, maybe you should just stay away from brunettes. Except me, of course.
Sam: Yeah. No, no, don't you see here? The good doctor and I are sparing. It's sexy, it's fun. Just like one of those old Spencer Tracy-Audrey Hepburn movies.

Sam: So what do you think? Uh... What kind of problem should I make up?
Carla: Well, uh, how about this? I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.
Norm: Anything come of it?
Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Sam: Wait a minute. Come on, answer the question. What do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
Rebecca: Come on, Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things that you care deeply about.
Sam: Yeah, like what?
Rebecca: Your job.
Sam: It's a great way to meet babes.
Rebecca: You love your car.
Sam: Babes love it.
Rebecca: Sailing.
Sam: Babes on waves. See? Then the doctor was right, I'm a shallow guy. I mean, everything I do is to impress women or revolves around sex. I guess I'm nothing more than a hot, manly machine of love.

Frasier: Greetings, all. Ah, Doctor.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Doctor.
Lilith: Doctor.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Doctor.
Frasier: Ah, Woody, may I have a beer please and a mineral water for the little mother. [to Dr. Rydell] You know, Lilith and I heard a little joke the other day. It seems a patient walks into his therapist's office suffering from a case of Korsakoff's psychosis brought on by acute alcoholism.
Lilith: Brain tumor.
Frasier: Well, darling, it doesn't make any difference.
Lilith: Yes, it does. Brain tumor is funnier.
Frasier: You're right.

Rebecca: Woody! Have you finished counting?
Woody: Sure have, Miss Howe.
Cliff: Ah, come on, Rebecca. What, guess-how-many-beans-in-the-jar bit? That's so corny.
Rebecca: For your information, corny is in. America wants to return to the innocence of their teenage years.
Woody: Yeah, the '70s were great, weren't they?
Rebecca: Anyway, this contest will run all month, and all of Boston will be playing the game for a fabulous all-expense-paid trip to where?
Both: Atlantic City!
Rebecca: For just guessing how many jelly beans are in this jar.
Cliff: Uh 3,500.
Rebecca: Woody, is that the correct number?
Woody: Nope. Off by 163.
Rebecca: Woody! You are not supposed to tell them that. Now we have to do this all over again. Do you have any extra jelly beans back there?
Woody: Sure, there's a whole bag at the end of the bar.
Norm: Oh, I hate when the black ones get stuck in your teeth.

Sam: Excuse me. Boy, is it hot in here or is it just you?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: I'm sorry, did you just say is it hot in here or is it just me?
Sam: Yep. If you like, there's more where that came from.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Are you for real?
Sam: I've been asked that question many times, and by women a lot more naked than you. [both laugh]
Dr. Sheila Rydell: You know, I've heard about men like you, but I can't actually say I've ever met one.
Sam: I'm on a roll here. My name's Sam Malone.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: My name is being withheld for security reasons.
Sam: Well, that's very clever. Maybe too clever. What's it mean?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: It means I'd like to order a Manhattan. I'd like you to put a cherry in it, and then I'd like you to put a sock in it.
Sam: Your drink.

Frasier: And then the therapist said "No, I said ten cc's, not Tennessee." [all laugh] Or was it Kentucky?
Lilith: It was Tennessee.
Frasier: Well, it was good. [laughs]
Dr. Sheila Rydell: [laughs] I'll have to remember that one.

Frasier: Honey bear, shall we? Oh, by the way, Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
Frasier: Re: Doctor Rydell, I must say I concur completely. You know, most women who go into psychiatry are real bowsers, but, uh, I wouldn't kick her off the couch for eating crackers, you know?
Lilith: Frasier, I can hear you, and so can your unborn child.
Carla: Will he be able to escape from this one? Let's watch.
Frasier: What I meant to say was, um, please, please, please forgive me. And, um do you think we have time to stop by Tiffany's on the way home?
Lilith: Good boy. [the guys applaud]