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‘What's Up, Doc?’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: What's Up, Doc?

718. What's Up, Doc?

Aired March 30, 1989

After Sam gets nowhere with a psychologist friend of Frasier and Lilith's, he books an appointment to talk about a sensitive issue.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Yeah, or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
Carla: You are a failure.
Norm: Well, then I've licked it.

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Quote from Sam

Dr. Sheila Rydell: My professional opinion of you is that your every thought, word and deed revolves around sex. You have nothing else in your life. Without constant sex, you'd probably just shrivel up into a little, dried anchovy and die.
Sam: Well, who wouldn't? I mean, that's it? No bad stuff?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, there's nothing but bad stuff. You're an aging lothario who uses sex to cover up massive insecurity, a fear of true intimacy, fear of a relationship and quite frankly, not only a fear of dying, but a fear of living, too. You're one sick cowpoke.
Sam: I resent that. You know, you were shoveling down that lobster tonight like there was no tomorrow. You know, you even ate the green stuff and this is the thanks I get?

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Mr. Cool, I hate to burst your bubble again, but didn't she just shoot you down? Hey, maybe you should just stay away from brunettes. Except me, of course.
Sam: Yeah. No, no, don't you see here? The good doctor and I are sparing. It's sexy, it's fun. Just like one of those old Spencer Tracy-Audrey Hepburn movies.

Quote from Carla

Sam: So what do you think? Uh... What kind of problem should I make up?
Carla: Well, uh, how about this? I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.
Norm: Anything come of it?
Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Greetings, all. Ah, Doctor.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Doctor.
Lilith: Doctor.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Doctor.
Frasier: Ah, Woody, may I have a beer please and a mineral water for the little mother. [to Dr. Rydell] You know, Lilith and I heard a little joke the other day. It seems a patient walks into his therapist's office suffering from a case of Korsakoff's psychosis brought on by acute alcoholism.
Lilith: Brain tumor.
Frasier: Well, darling, it doesn't make any difference.
Lilith: Yes, it does. Brain tumor is funnier.
Frasier: You're right.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Wait a minute. Come on, answer the question. What do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
Rebecca: Come on, Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things that you care deeply about.
Sam: Yeah, like what?
Rebecca: Your job.
Sam: It's a great way to meet babes.
Rebecca: You love your car.
Sam: Babes love it.
Rebecca: Sailing.
Sam: Babes on waves. See? Then the doctor was right, I'm a shallow guy. I mean, everything I do is to impress women or revolves around sex. I guess I'm nothing more than a hot, manly machine of love.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody! Have you finished counting?
Woody: Sure have, Miss Howe.
Cliff: Ah, come on, Rebecca. What, guess-how-many-beans-in-the-jar bit? That's so corny.
Rebecca: For your information, corny is in. America wants to return to the innocence of their teenage years.
Woody: Yeah, the '70s were great, weren't they?
Rebecca: Anyway, this contest will run all month, and all of Boston will be playing the game for a fabulous all-expense-paid trip to where?
Both: Atlantic City!
Rebecca: For just guessing how many jelly beans are in this jar.
Cliff: Uh 3,500.
Rebecca: Woody, is that the correct number?
Woody: Nope. Off by 163.
Rebecca: Woody! You are not supposed to tell them that. Now we have to do this all over again. Do you have any extra jelly beans back there?
Woody: Sure, there's a whole bag at the end of the bar.
Norm: Oh, I hate when the black ones get stuck in your teeth.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Excuse me. Boy, is it hot in here or is it just you?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: I'm sorry, did you just say is it hot in here or is it just me?
Sam: Yep. If you like, there's more where that came from.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Are you for real?
Sam: I've been asked that question many times, and by women a lot more naked than you. [both laugh]
Dr. Sheila Rydell: You know, I've heard about men like you, but I can't actually say I've ever met one.
Sam: I'm on a roll here. My name's Sam Malone.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: My name is being withheld for security reasons.
Sam: Well, that's very clever. Maybe too clever. What's it mean?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: It means I'd like to order a Manhattan. I'd like you to put a cherry in it, and then I'd like you to put a sock in it.
Sam: Your drink.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: And then the therapist said "No, I said ten cc's, not Tennessee." [all laugh] Or was it Kentucky?
Lilith: It was Tennessee.
Frasier: Well, it was good. [laughs]
Dr. Sheila Rydell: [laughs] I'll have to remember that one.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Honey bear, shall we? Oh, by the way, Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
Frasier: Re: Doctor Rydell, I must say I concur completely. You know, most women who go into psychiatry are real bowsers, but, uh, I wouldn't kick her off the couch for eating crackers, you know?
Lilith: Frasier, I can hear you, and so can your unborn child.
Carla: Will he be able to escape from this one? Let's watch.
Frasier: What I meant to say was, um, please, please, please forgive me. And, um do you think we have time to stop by Tiffany's on the way home?
Lilith: Good boy. [the guys applaud]

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Sammy, would you step in my office, please? A word in your ear. You know, if I were you, I'd approach the good Dr. Legs there on a professional level. I would make an appointment with her and pretend there was something wrong with me.
Sam: Cliffie, that's a pretty good idea.
Carla: Yeah, who gave it to you?
Cliff: It's mine. It, uh, came right from this brain.
Carla: Hey, everybody, Clavin got a new brain.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've got a suggestion. This is surefire. It's going to get you where you really want her. Impotence. [guys all groan]
Sam: No, no, that's a word us guys don't even like to say.
Carla: Wait a minute, take it from me. We women are pushovers for this kind of stuff. Hey, there are two things that women like to do more than anything else in the world. And one of them is to cure a guy of impotence.
Sam: What's the other thing?
Carla: Give it to him again if he gets out of line.
Sam: No, I tell you, I don't care how hot that lady is. That's I just couldn't say something like that to her. [Dr. Rydell walks to the bar and eats a cherry] Okay, so I tell her that I'm impotent.

Quote from Sam

Dr. Sheila Rydell: Mr. Malone. Oh, it is the same Sam Malone. I hope this is a professional visit.
Sam: Oh, I'm sad to say yes. Doctor, I need to unburden myself here, and I figured that you were the one person maybe I could talk to.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Of course. Sit down. Now take your time. Tell me what's troubling you.
Sam: Well, Doctor, as you know, I'm a young, healthy male. But recently I've... Oh, heck, I'm not going to mince words with you here. Lately I haven't been able to get the old evan root cranking.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Excuse me?
Sam: Um, well, it's like uh... It's like my favorite shirt is a little light in the starch.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Are you trying to say that you're impotent?
Sam: No, don't, oh, don't use that word.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Okay, boys, closing time. Let's move on out. Probably want to go home, get some rest, so you can be back for your 9:00 a.m. shift.
Cliff: It's one of those days I hate to see end, you know what I mean?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Cliff: Hey, I got some new videos. You guys want to come over my place?
Woody: New videos, great.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, Ma had our home movies converted to tape. There's a great one of me all dressed up as Peter Pan. Ma's Captain Hook, she's tying me up. [chuckles] It's great.
Norm: For Halloween, huh?
Cliff: No, no, it's a little game we used to play to help me sleep. You know how crazy teenagers are.
[Norm shakes his head and tries to walk back in the bar, but Woody grabs him and they follow after Cliff]

Quote from Carla

Sam: Well, Sheila, why don't you hop up to the bar there, I'll fix us a little nightcap.
Carla: Oh, Sammy, you mind if I take off early? I want to put the little ones to bed myself tonight.
Sam: Put them to bed? Hey, it's 2:00 a.m.
Carla: Oh, right, they're probably not home yet. Ah, well, I'll get some sleep.
Carla: Hey, listen, don't forget to put up the barstools.
Sam: Don't worry about it. We'll do it later.
Carla: I hope so. But take care of the stools, too.

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