Frasier: Sam, can I have three martinis please? Make mine a double.
Cliff: How's married life treating ya? Quite a change, huh?
Frasier: Well, you know, Lilith and I did live together for a year before we wed. So other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me, until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Sam: Hey, so they're gonna have a baby. They'll, they'll find their way through it.
Carla: You don't understand. My life is over. I'm going to be a grandmother. I mean, I might as well wrap myself up in a black babushka, get fat and grow hairs out of my moles.
Sam: Oh, come on. [laughs] You're exaggerating.
Carla: Do I have to get out the family album?

Carla: Oh, God, this is terrible. Look at my life. I never had a childhood. I married Nick when I was 15. Never got to go to the prom or homecoming, to a slumber party, to Fort Lauderdale on Spring Break. Or on one lousy date with Fabian. Now I don't even get a middle age. Go straight from grade school to Granny.
Eddie LeBec: I don't know what to say, Carla.
Carla: Just don't say anything, okay? There's nothing anybody can say that's gonna change anything, so just don't say anything.
Sam: Yeah, but, Carla-
Carla: Sam, I said don't say anything. Weren't you listening to me?
Sam: Yes, Carla-
Carla: I said don't say anything! Nobody listens to me.
Eddie LeBec: I listen to-
Carla: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Just stay away and leave me alone! I'm going to my room, wait for the angel of death.

Rebecca: What else did she say? What else?
Sam: Uh, let me think, let me think. All right, something about a sleep over. No, no, I know. Slumber party. Yeah, slumber party.
Rebecca: A slumber party?
Sam: Right.
Rebecca: Well, that's it. Why don't we just throw the woman a slumber party, and that'll cheer her up.
Lilith: Now, recreating a ritual of youth is often just the thing to get someone out of depression centered on a fear of aging. I find it also helps to listen to heavy doses of Credence Clearwater Revival.

Sam: We don't even have a manual. How are you gonna hook that thing up?
Woody: Easy, Sam. They included a special videotape showing exactly how to hook everything up. So all we have to do is hook everything up, watch the tape, and then we'll know exactly what to do.
Norm: [to the guys] Okay, how long before Woody spots the flaw in his reasoning? I say, uh, eight minutes.
Pete: Give me three.
Cliff: Okay, I say five.
Frasier: I say two.
Sam: Yeah, I'm in, I'm in. [phone rings] Wait a minute, wait a minute. There you go. I'm in for ten.

Dorothy: Now, Lilith, if you, your family, and generations of your ancestors had lived with the boot of oppression on your throat, would cutting out a man's heart seem that extreme?
Cliff: So who's the party girl?
Frasier: Dorothy Greenberg. She's an old childhood chum of Lilith's from New York. She's been visiting for a week. She's a professional student. She's writing her dissertation on the Comuneros' uprising in Paraguay during the 1700s. She can't talk about anything else. Believe me, when you've heard one Bruno de Zavala joke, you've heard them all.

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, yeah, hi, Vera. Uh, let me see if he's here yet. [Norm nods] Oh, yeah, he just walked in. Yeah, here he is right now. All right, bye. Yeah, yeah, it's for you.
Norm: Hi, honey. Yeah. l, I have no idea. I mean, uh did you try that broom closet? Well, how about the pantry? Well, that would be a good place to look, okay? All right. Okay, let me know, thanks. [hands the phone back to Sam] Oh, here.
Woody: Well, what's Mrs. Peterson doing?
Norm: I don't know, she's looking for the fire extinguisher.
Sam: Was there a fire in your house?
Norm: I have no idea. Should I have asked? [Sam passes Norm the phone again]

Carla: Would you come to dinner at my house tonight?
Sam: Hey, I thought we were friends.
Carla: Well, it's just that Eddie wants us to practice our social skills so he can invite his boss over to dinner.
Sam: Can't you ask somebody else? Please? Come on. I'm sure any one of the guys would love to go. Guys, am I...
[When Sam turns around, Norm, Woody, Cliff and Frasier have all ducked below the bar]
Carla: So, uh I'll expect you at 7:00?
Sam: Yeah, all right. All right. Where'd you guys go?
Norm: Go? Huh?
Cliff: We were right here all the time, Sammy.
Norm: By the way, uh, thanks for hogging that invitation to Carla's house all for yourself. [Norm & Cliff chuckle]
Carla: [pops up from behind the bar] There's room for one more.

Sam: You know, Carla, it's, uh, nice to see you surrounded by such a loving family.
Carla: Oh, it's eerie, Sam.
Sam: Mmm.
Carla: I got a husband who does windows. And all the kids are out of jail. For the first time in my life, when morning comes around, I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.
Eddie LeBec: That's beautiful, honey.

Dorothy: Oh, here's one of my favorite paintings of the Comuneros. It depicts the peasant army struggling to push this cannon to the top of the hill. Later, they found out they were on the wrong hill and had fired on their own village. These people had no luck.
Lilith: That's fascinating, Dorothy. Isn't that fascinating, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes. You know, these stories make me long to visit Paraguay... right now.