Sam: You know, you've made my life a living hell.
Diane: I didn't want you to think it was easy.
Sam: Let me just kick these things off the bed here.
Diane: Oh, why don't you put them in the other room? I'll be less inhibited if they're in the other room.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Diane: Now, be very careful, because some of them are old and sensitive.
Sam: Don't you think maybe you ought to call the cops off?
Diane: Oh, Silly Sam. I never called the police.
[Sam goes to the window and starts throwing Diane's stuffed animals out]
Diane: Sam, will you make sure Gary Gorilla and Mr. Jammers aren't next to each other? They don't get along.
Sam: Not to worry. They're a mile apart.

Frasier: You know, it's funny, even through all this, I still think of you as my goombah. Well, it's best that I get going. But let's do the lunch thing sometime.
Sam: I'd like that. Yeah. Take care.
Frasier: You won't go see her?
Sam: No way. No.

Sam: Anthony, consider yourself kissed good night. Okay, you want that root beer, huh?
Anthony: Great. That's me and Annie's favorite. She loves it when I make it come out my nose.
Sam: Yeah, I know. That always works for me too. Listen, Anthony. l know you like Annie a lot-
Anthony: Oh, no. I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word: tennis, and when he's already paid for the room. You know what I mean?

Diane: Sam, I'm going to have to take a couple hours off this evening.
Carla: Wait a minute. Our absentee waitress strikes again? What is it this time, bleach-bag?
Sam: Hey, hey. Carla, do you mind? I'm the employer here. I'll handle this. What is it this time, bleach-bag?

Nick Tortelli: Hey. What are you doing here with Sam? I thought you were coming with Eddie Csznyk.
Carla: Sam happens to be a much better dancer. And he has the grace of a swan.
Sam: Bull swan.

Sam: I bet you're wondering why I ordered two of everything when there's only me up here, huh?
Waiter: Uh, no, not really.
Sam: Well, actually, it's 'cause I want to give the impression that there are two people in the room.
Waiter: Well, you fooled me.
Sam: Oh. Good, good, good. Where are my hot fudge sundaes?
Waiter: I couldn't fit 'em on the tray. I'll be right back up.
Sam: All right. Great, great. Uh, make sure you parade around the lobby a couple of times before you bring 'em on up. Will ya?
Waiter: Sure.

Sam: Uh, Diane, while you were out, your, uh, dance teacher's assistant came by.
Diane: Oh, poo. Madame Likova didn't come?
Sam: No, no, uh, she got hold of a bad bowl of borscht.

Diane: Oh, I can't.
Frasier: Oh, oh, come on. You, you're going to have to open it sometime.
Diane: "Technique: very good. Strength: very good. Emotional response: outstanding. Flexibility: average"? Well, I always thought I was very flexible. [Frasier rolls his eyes] "Excellent natural instincts. Soul of a dancer. If not for the late start, could have had a career in dance." Oh, my. Oh, I'd love to call her and thank her. Maybe I can still catch her at the hotel.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, Diane, I don't think that's a good idea at all.
Diane: Why not?
Frasier: Why not? Why not?
Sam: Because, uh, because... Well, uh, you know, she's probably packing and if you disturb her right now, she'd probably put, uh, her, her work clothes in one bag and her regular stuff in another bag. Then if the airline lost one of those bags, then she, you know, either she wouldn't be able to work or she'd look real goofy out there on the street. That's why not.

Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, now, uh, where to begin. Well, usually, at this point, you would tell me what a loathsome, contemptible swine he is, and, uh, you would describe in some detail what a wanton, libidinous trollop she is... But as you're only engaged, we'll just have to look forward to that. You know, when I was on the staff of the London Psychiatric Hospital just after my divorce, we had a couple that...
Sam: Excuse me.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Hmm?
Sam: You've been divorced?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I have.
Sam: [chuckling] That's great.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Now, Sam, Sam, I can say to you with pride, "Yes, I have been divorced," because it is only from our failures that we gain knowledge. Consequently, I was able to make a much better choice of a second wife. Perhaps my vision was clearer for the tears that I had shed.
Diane: You are the wisest man I know.
Dr. Finch-Royce: High praise, indeed.

Dr. Finch-Royce: Ah, how lovely to see you again. What's it been, 30 minutes?
Diane: I'm sorry to barge in. I hope we're not disturbing you.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, actually, I was just about to have my dinner.
Sam: Dinner?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I mean, uh, I don't want to sound rude, but I actually would like to eat it while it's hot.
Diane: I'm sorry, but this is simply too important to put it off. It's been preying on our minds. We really can't think of anything else. Isn't that right, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, right. Are you gone eat those crackers?
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, I am. Now, could you please just say whatever it is you've come to say?