TV Quotes

Sam: What the hell's wrong with him?
Frasier: Well, it's a common phenomenon, really. A young, impressionable lad, such as Woody, gets his first taste of a foreign country, and he comes back a little affected. I mean, give him a few hours, he'll be fine. You know, I remember when I came back from my first trip abroad. Oh, God, I was pompous and unbearable! Condescending to all my old friends. Of course, I wouldn't expect you fellows to understand. It's a complicated matter.

Norm: You're gonna have to give up an awful lot of stuff. For example, no more limousines.
Kelly: Oh, that's okay. I can take taxis.
Norm: No, Kelly, I don't think Woody can even afford taxis. You'll have to take the subway.
Kelly: The what?
Norm: The "T". You know, the subway.
Kelly: Come again?
Norm: The subway, the the little trains that run underground, carry people back and forth.
Kelly: Right, an underground train. You're such a joker, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Kelly, they exist, and, and most people take them to work every day.
Kelly: Sure they do, Mr. Peterson. All right, I'll take your little underground train tomorrow morning. Underground trains! Woo-woo!

Kelly: Hi, everybody. Where's Woody?
Rebecca: Well, he's out looking for you. What happened, Kelly? Did you get lost?
Kelly: No, I was having such a great time I didn't want it to end. I love the subway.
Rebecca: Wait a minute, you liked the subway?
Kelly: Not at first. I got real angry because a lot of other people tried to get on my subway car. And then I met some young people who apparently work for the city because they were spray-painting the walls, and they let me write, "Kelly loves Woody," in a big red heart. And then the pigs came and we ran.

Sam: I am proud of you, man. A lot of people would have quit after that little bout of vomiting.
Frasier: Thank you, Sam. I feel that from this point on, I can live a life of healthful moderation and physical fitness.
Carla: [enters] Okay, everybody, Lud is trying to raise money for his class trip to Colonial Williamsburg. Now who wants to help by buying some chocolate bars?
Frasier: I'll take 15 boxes!
Carla: Boy, that's great, Doc. All you got to do is fill out this order form, you'll have your candy in two weeks.
Frasier: Two weeks?! I want them now! Listen, Lud. Lud, here, go down to the store for me, get me a couple of KitKats, and I will personally drive you to Colonial Williamsburg.
Ludlow: Sorry, Dr. Crane. Two weeks.
Frasier: Oh, forget it, then, you rotten kid. No sale. You should have the chocolate on you. What do they teach you in that school of yours anyway?
Sam: Come on, Fras.
Frasier: Well, it's true. What the hell am I paying property taxes for?! Oh! Sam! [voice breaking] I hurt so much!

Woody: Mr. Peterson, more crisps?
Norm: What the hell are crisps?
Woody: Well, they're what you call potato chips. Although what I call chips, you would call French fries.
Norm: So, what are you saying, we have French fries?
Woody: Oh, Mr. Peterson, there's so much you don't see from your little bar stool.
Norm: Stop teasing me, Woody! Do we have French fries, or don't we?

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy. Woody and Kelly split up, huh?
Frasier: Yes, well, I guess having access to all her money made him feel a little like a leech.
Cliff: You, uh, seem to make the word "leech" sound, uh, pejorative, there, Fras. An educated man would be proud to be called a leech. Leeches are a boon to mankind.
Frasier: I take it you're referring to the practice of using leeches as a medical cure-all, a practice which has been discredited for centuries now.
Cliff: Discredited or covered up?
Frasier: Well, you've got me there.
Cliff: Sure, your big drug companies don't want you to find out about leeches. You know why? Leeches are free. Yes, sir. I- I have great respect for the leech.
Frasier: I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

Rebecca: Carla, what are you doing?
Carla: Uh, would you hand me that bucket of ice water, please?
Rebecca: Sure. When you tell me what you're doing.
Carla: Well, Clavin's almost done with his route, see? So I'm gonna put this bucket up here on the ledge...
Rebecca: Oh, and then the water will fall on his head. How mature.
Carla: You know, that's your problem, Rebecca. You don't know how to have any fun.
Rebecca: Sure I do. It's just not at the expense of other people. I just go out with my friends and have a good time. Now, don't you ever get together with your friends and- and just have fun?
Carla: Well, I guess I would, but nobody ever asks me to do anything.
Rebecca: I'm sorry, Carla.
Carla: Yeah. Sounds like fun. I don't know.
Rebecca: Say, Carla, do you want to...
Carla: Yeah?
Rebecca: I don't have anything to do later. I mean, want to go grab a pizza, or see a movie or something?
Carla: You and me?
Rebecca: Well, if you want to.
Carla: Yeah. I think I'd really like that.
Rebecca: Yeah? All right, we'll do it. I mean, who knows? Maybe it'll be fun. Let me just grab my coat.
[As Rebecca walks into her office, a bucket of water pours on her head]
Carla: So, what time should I be there?

Norm: Okay, at the beginning of that cartoon, Casper, the friendly ghost, had no friends whatsoever. By the end of the cartoon, of course, he's surrounded by friends. Next cartoon will start, Casper won't have any friends again. What is it we're not seeing between cartoons?
Cliff: Could be, uh, Casper sating his thirst for human blood.
Norm: Right.
Cliff: Oh, think about it, Norm. We are talking about a ghost here.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: You see, very often, the, uh, walking dead crave the taste of human flesh. And things aren't that much different in the cartoon world, I'm sure.
Norm: Was it really hot on your route today, Cliff?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Oh, blacked out a couple of times. Why?

Kelly: Hi, gang!
Woody: Hi-ho, chaps.
Sam: Wood!
Carla: Whoa! Well, look at you. If it isn't Oliver Twit.

Cliff: Boy, check out the threads on that dude, huh?
Woody: Oh, just a little something I picked up at Savile Row.
Sam: Oh! Savile Row! I guess the trip to England made a big impression on you, huh?
Woody: Ah, it's a fabulous place, Sam. Very civilized. You know, when you drive on the left-hand side of the road over there, they don't scream and honk at you like they do here.
Norm: Got anything in the, uh, bag?
Woody: Here we go. Toilet water for everyone. Don't worry, it's not what you think.