‘I Do, Adieu’
Season 5, Episode 26 - Aired May 7, 1987
Ahead of Sam and Diane's wedding, Sumner returns to tell Diane he submitted one of her books to a publisher.
Quote from Frasier
Norm: All right, I got 20 bucks says they won't do it.
Cliff: All right, well, I got, eh, 30 here says they, uh, tie the knot-ski tonight-ski.
Frasier: I'd like a piece of that, Cliff. Because you see, I'm convinced that the words "l do" are not in the woman's vocabulary.
Quote from Norm
Cliff: Oh, boy, yeah, that was one of your major league dumps, too. Poor little Diane, left there on our doorstep, you know, turning to us for, uh, shelter from life's storm. Boy, oh, boy, it seems like a long time ago, doesn't it, Normie?
Cliff: A lot's changed since that fateful night, eh?
Norm: Yeah. As I recall, you were sitting over there, drinking a beer, and I was sitting right here having a beer, kind of wishing you'd shut up.
Cliff: Good memory.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Look, you got to do this book. You have to.
Diane: I don't care about the book. I care about you. Go ahead, from the beginning, please.
Carla: This is inhuman.
Justice of the Peace: You, Sam, and you, Diane, have complied with the general regulations and the laws of the Commonwealth-
Sam: No, no, w- w- w- wait- wait. Look, l- l- l don't want to be married to a woman who's going to be always asking, "What if"? I'll tell you what. Y- Y- You're bad at ballet. You're terrible at acting. You don't you can't draw worth a lick. You're bad at- at poetry, photography, cinema and omelets. I mean, they're going to have to start inventing things for you to be bad at.
Diane: Make your point, Sam.
Sam: You're- You're good at writing. I mean, I think we finally found something you don't stink at.
Diane: But, Sam, I... I...
Sam: Look, look, this is important for you. I mean, l- l- l had my day in the sun. I- I may not have been the greatest relief pitcher in the world...
Steve: Yeah, you were, Sammy.
Sam: Thank you. The point is... The point is I took a shot. You've got to take your shot.
Quote from Woody
Sumner: Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Woody: Gee, I hope she's not sick.
Sumner: No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the Literature Department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
Woody: Huh. Hey, don't worry about it. That's all I did in school, too.
Quote from Carla
Cliff: Hey, that's Sumner Sloane there.
Frasier: The famous Sumner Sloane, the man who jilted Diane?
Carla: Yup. He made a bigger doofus out of her than she made out of you. No easy trick.
Quote from Diane
Sam: You know, what's the rush? I mean, it feels like you want to do this fast so that you don't change your mind.
Diane: You're the one who seems to be changing his mind.
Sam: No, no, I'm not. No, I'm not.
Diane: Well, good, then there's no problem. Let's marry tonight.
Sam: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't. We ought to think about this.
Diane: All right, fine. You sit down and think about it. I'll make us some tea. If you get stuck, call me. I'll come in and jiggle your head.
Quote from Sam
Diane: Well, Maine awaits. See you in six months.
Diane: Right. [they kiss] Next time, let's have our wedding somewhere else.
Sam: Anything you say. [Diane sighs as she prepares to leave] Hey. Have a good life.
Diane: "Have a good life"?
Diane: Well, that's something you say when something's over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this "have a good life" stuff.
Sam: You never know. You- You could die. I could die. The world could end. One of us could bump our heads and, uh, wander the streets for the rest of our life with amnesia. Or maybe one of us will decide they want something else.
Diane: None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months. Okay?
Diane: Okay. That's better. [kisses Sam then exits]
Sam: Have a good life.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Perhaps you've heard of me.
Sumner: Not till this moment.
Frasier: Well, it just so happens that I was once engaged to Diane, too.
Sumner: Ah. Is there anyone in this bar you haven't been engaged to?
Frasier: Well, I believe the floor is now open to nominations for "pompous ass of the year" award.
Quote from Diane
Sumner: When I heard of your impending marriage to Sam, I thought perhaps I had overestimated you. So, I pored through everything that you'd written: letters, poems, short stories. The pages burned with your talent, Diane, and I was singed.
Diane: Why are you telling me this?
Sumner: I was so impressed by one of your unfinished novels, I took the liberty of sending it to a friend who's an editor at Houghton Mifflin.
Diane: You had no right to do that.
Sumner: While he concurs with me that it's rough, embryonic and immature, he loves it and thinks it has a very good chance of being published.
Diane: Published? I knew it. I felt it. I've never been more alive in my life than when I was writing that. Which one was it?
Sumner: Jocasta's Conundrum.
Quote from Sam
Justice of the Peace: I understand that this has been a long time in coming. So without further delay, uh, we'll get to the matter at hand. You, Sam, and you, Diane, have complied with the general laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and there are no apparent impediments to this marriage. [Carla wails] Therefore, do you, Sam Malone, take this woman, Diane Chambers, to be your lawfully wedded wife till death do you part?
Sam: I do. [Carla shrieks] [phone rings]
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, just a second. Miss Chambers, it's for you.
Diane: Woody, I'm kind of busy.
Woody: Oh. Uh, listen, she's getting married. Can I take a message? You're kidding. Oh, that's... Yeah, that's great. That's unbelievable. You're welcome. [laughs and hangs up the phone] Go ahead.
Sam: No, no, don't go ahead. Woody, what is it?
Diane: They're going to publish Miss Chambers' book. They're giving her a big advance to finish it.
Justice of the Peace: Um, to, uh, continue Diane Chambers, do you take this man, Samuel Malone, to be your lawfully wedded husband till death do you part?
Diane: What? Oh, yes, of course. Why wouldn't l?
Justice of the Peace: Well, then, by the powers vested in me by the governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you man-
Sam: No, you don't. I want to change my answer.
Carla: What did he say?