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‘No Rest for the Woody’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: No Rest for the Woody

1014. No Rest for the Woody

Aired January 9, 1992

After splashing out on an engagement ring for Kelly, Woody gets a second job to pay for it.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Man, no way I'm gonna let that quack jab me.
Frasier: Carla, there's really nothing to be afraid of. It's- It's a very simple process. H- Here, let me show you. Darling, may l? They'll simply take your arm. They'll have you make a fist. Then they'll place a tourniquet here, exposing a vein. Exposing a vein... [taps Lilith's arm] Lilith, exactly how do you work?

Rate

Quote from Paul

Sam: All right, the thing is... Fellows, listen up. To qualify for the group rate, I need one more person to sign on.
Paul: Thank God, Sam. You don't know what it's like to walk around uninsured, knowing you might get hit by a bus or need an operation, and they'd take your house and your, your savings, and that might not even be enough. You saved my life, Sam.
Sam: Actually, Paul, I was kind of thinking of offering it to Norm.
Paul: Hey, congratulations, Norm.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: So, uh, Woodso, how much did your ring set you back?
Woody: Well, they say when you buy an engagement ring, you're supposed to spend the equivalent of six months salary, but it looked kind of naked without a diamond in it.
Norm: So how much we talking? Over a grand or what?
Woody: Well, the salesman said that it's bad luck for the couple to know how much the ring cost.
Sam: Woody, how are you gonna afford that on your salary?
Woody: Don't worry, Sam. I'm getting a night job.
Sam: You, you're gonna go do another job after you leave here at 2:30 in the morning?
Woody: Yep! Graveyard shift.
Sam: Where?
Woody: Graveyard, Sam. Gee whiz, say good night, Gracie.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Woody, I'm so glad you're here. Grandmother can't wait to meet you.
Woody: And I can't wait to meet her, Kelly Gaines.
Kelly: Is he okay?
Sam: Yeah, he's fine. He's just, uh, been working 24 hours a day for the past four days.
Kelly: Is that a lot? I'm not part of the work force.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Carla, good news. I've, uh, given a lot of thought, and I've decided to offer my employees a, uh, group medical plan.
Carla: Oh, man, that's great, Sammy, Yeah. What changed your mind?
Sam: Oh, it's the right thing to do. You guys need it, you deserve it it's important to you. Plus, they passed some kind of law.

Quote from Norm

Sam: [all on answering machine] Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep. [beep]
Vera: [on machine] Norm, this is Vera. Please pick up. Norm! Norm? [line disconnects] [phone rings]
Sam: Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep. [beep]
Vera: Norm, I know you're there. Pick up the phone, Norm. It's 3:00 in the morning. I want you to come home. Norm? Norm! [hangs up] [phone rings]
Sam: Hi. This is Cheers. Leave a message at the beep. [beep]
Vera: Hi, Sam. This is Vera Peterson again. Listen, uh, ignore those messages. It turns out Norm was here in bed next to me the whole time. And I thought that big lump was our dog. Who knew?

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: That's it. The furnace is definitely out. Any luck trying to get through to the repairman?
Rebecca: No, it's still busy.
Sam: Well, why don't you try calling someone else? What kind of manager are you if you can't handle a simple problem like that?
Rebecca: Sam, these are the only people in Boston who can service that Guatemalan furnace you bought on sale.
Sam: Oh. Keep trying.
Rebecca: It's ringing. Hello? [on the phone] Hi, there. Uh, yes, our furnace is on the blink. Um, it's the Little Diablo model, the grey one. It's a full duct, forced-air model. Huh? Um, let's see 55,000 BTUs. BTUs. Well, how do I know what that stands for? You're the Guatemalan!

Quote from Woody

Sam: You, you guys have a prenuptial agreement?
Woody: Sure. Oh, I love her, but I'm not stupid. God forbid, things don't work out. I don't want to lose half my stuff.
Sam: Good thinking, Woody.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: So, uh, Wood, that's a nice ring. Have her parents seen it yet?
Woody: No. They will in a couple days. They're gonna throw us an engagement party.
Norm: A party! Oh, cool!
Woody: Her grandmother's even coming all the way from Florida. She's kind of the head of the family. From what I hear, she's pretty scary. She's bossy, mean and tough as nails. You wouldn't want to mess with her.
Cliff: Yeah? Bet you my ma could take her. Gloves or bare fists, open hand, closed hand, I don't care.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Well, I've drawn up a list of names of the people I want to invite to the party. The only problem is, I only get to invite a few. Where do you draw the line?
Frasier: Well, Woody, something that Lilith and I find helpful when we plan a party is to simply start at the bottom of the list, and eliminate the least desirable.
Woody: Okay. Cranes are out. Thanks, Dr. Crane. That was helpful. [shakes Frasier's hand]

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Tonight's my first night at the graveyard. I don't want to be late, all right? Now, come on, you guys really got to go. Let's go. Come on.
Cliff: Woody! Woody! Woody! Hold it! Hold it! What's the rush? It's not like your customers are going to be going anywhere. [Cliff & Norm chuckle] Huh?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. But you know, it is going to be awfully lonely out there, Wood.
Cliff: Oh, no, now, don't worry. You'll have plenty of company. They won't be too talkative, what with their lips sewn shut.
Woody: Well, you don't actually have to see the bodies, do you? I mean, they're in the coffins, right?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, most of them are. The ones that can afford it. Yeah, the rest of them, they, uh, put in body bags or sometimes just a big roll of blotting paper. Sometimes they're just laying about arms and legs akimbo. Yeah, their lips drawn in a ghastly rictus.
Woody: I don't know what rictus means, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: You will by sunup, my lad.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, I understand that, Norm, the brain stays alive long after the body's lying in a coffin. Yeah, poor desperate soul in there trying to scream out, "Don't bury me! I'm not dead yet!"
Norm: And all they can muster is one final frantic gurgle.
Cliff: Oh, the gurgle!
Norm: Listen for that gurgle, Woody. You listen for that gurgle.
Woody: Hey, you guys are just trying to scare me, right? Forget it. I got a job to do. I've got a ring to pay for. Get out.
Cliff: [gurgling voice] Good night!
Norm: [gurgling voice] See ya!
Woody: Good night, Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: [gurgling voice] Want to take a cab?
Woody: Oh, man, buried alive. Give me a break!
Rebecca: [o.s.] [echoey voice] Woody! Will someone let me out of here?!
Woody: [creaming] Agh! Mr. Peterson! Mr. Clavin! [runs out]

Quote from Norm

Gordon: Excuse me, miss. I've been sent to collect some specimens.
Carla: Oh, they're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.
Gordon: No, I'm from the insurance company. I need to do a blood sample on each employee.
Carla: Oh. Well, he works here. Take him first.
Gordon: Fine. Shall we go?
Norm: Yeah. What, uh, part of the body do you need to take blood from?
Gordon: Any part that's soft and fleshy.
Norm: Well, have I got a treat for you!

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Sam: Woody, man, you look terrible!
Woody: Yeah, I came straight from the graveyard. This is the worst night yet.
Cliff: Why was that, there, Wood?
Woody: Well, a couple of guys called in sick, and then, uh, we couldn't seem to bury old Mrs. Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother. It was like she didn't want to go down. First the backhoe broke, and we had to dig the hole by hand. And then the ground was frozen and, uh, broke the handle on the shovel. And then the coffin kept popping open. You- You never get used to that, Sam.
Sam: I don't suppose you do.
Woody: And then when we finally buried old Mrs. Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother, there was, uh, this strange gurgling sound and... I knew it was probably just old Gus finishing his shake, but uh, you don't want to take chances on something like that. So, I had to dig her up and check it. What a night.
Sam: I don't think you're gonna make it, man. This job's gonna kill you.
Woody: Oh, Sam, I gotta earn enough money to pay for the ring. [sobbing] It helps to do that every now and then.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Uh-uh-uh. Keep your distance. I'm not afraid to use this thing, you know.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake. Look, allow me. Perhaps I can be of some assistance. Carla, Carla, please. Now let's just look into my eyes. Listen very carefully to every word I say. All he's going to do is plunge this large-bore needle into your tissue until it reaches a vein, at which point the beating of your heart will cause your blood to gush into this vial, filling it with a viscous, crimson syrup.
[Carla gasps before she hits the ground with a thud]
Frasier: There you go. Top her off.
Gordon: Thank you.
Frasier: My pleasure.

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