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‘The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter

314. The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter

Aired January 10, 1985

After Diane talks Sam into inviting a downcast Frasier on a fishing trip, the guys play a prank on him.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Frasier, may I have a word with you in private? It's about what happened tonight.
Frasier: Well, not now, Diane. You're interfering with male bonding. [toasts] To snipe hunting.
Norm: All right.
Frasier: The most humane of sports. No guns. No knives. Just a man and a plain simple bag.
Carla: Like you and Diane. [Frasier laughs]
Diane: Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Diane. Guys make jokes about their mates, right guys? Look, you probably all think I'm being a bit manic about this, but the fact is I haven't spent that much time out of doors in my life. And I was exhilarated by it. It was a revelation to me how quiet it was. I heard an owl for the first time. You know, I finally understand why guys get hung up on going to the woods. You know, camping, fishing.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Just wait until the first time you come back home with a snipe strapped to the hood of your car, huh?
Norm: Yeah, that's a thrill of a lifetime.
Frasier: My one regret is we didn't get a snipe. And it's all my fault. I let you guys down.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: Hey, what's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.
Coach: It's a world gone mad.

Quote from Coach

Coach: I know exactly what you're saying, Doc. I do. After all the years behind this bar, I've learned how to make a lot of people happy.
Frasier: How's that, Coach?
Coach: Well, whatever problem they got, I point out the bigger problem. Now, in your case, you know, you're going bald.
Frasier: I am? Now I'm depressed and losing my hair.
Coach: Oh, that's nothing. It's child's play compared to that big mole you got on your neck.
Frasier: Please, Coach, no more. I'm cheered up now.
Coach: Any time, Doc.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You're going to get a giggle out of this, Diane. Frasier's still up in the woods. He's snipe hunting.
Carla: [laughs] You sent him on a snipe hunt. I love it.
Diane: What's a snipe hunt?
Cliff: The snipehunt's an an age-old custom wherein we take an uninitiated hunter like your Dr. Crane, put him in a clearing with a gunnysack and the rest of us go to the bush to beat out the snipe to him. Whoop.
Diane: Rather an elemental sport but I still don't see the humor in it.
Norm: All right, the humor, Diane, is that while the guy's out there with a gunnysack, we go off and have a nice dinner in a restaurant and come back here for some beers.
Sam: Well, you see, there's no such thing really as a snipe, so there's no real reason for any of us to hang around. But since the bagger doesn't know that, he stays and we leave. I swear to you, this is really funny.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I was hoping you'd come back here when you couldn't find me. And I want to apologize. After a couple of hours in the position, I heard some snipe rustling in the bush, so I went off to pursue them and, well, I got lost in the woods. Then I scrambled about for a while until I heard the sound of cars on the highway. So then I flagged down an eighteen-wheeler and made my way back to safety. But good friends, I'm sorry. I let you down. It's the last thing I wanted to do.
Diane: Frasier, are you sure you're all right?
Frasier: All right? Diane, I'm aglow. I'm transported. Of course, I don't expect you to understand. It has to do with the unspoken bond between men. [puts his arm around Norm and Cliff] Sorry, I'm a little emotional. Coach, set up my buddies. I want to drink to the camaraderie of this night.
Sam: Oh, you don't have to do that, Frasier.
Norm: Nonsense. He wants to buy his friends a drink. Come on, what the hell?
Cliff: Yeah, as you know, it is the bagger's prerogative.
Frasier: Ah, what a marvelous tradition. Let's drink to it.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Thank you, everyone. Believe me, it's best to just let this matter drop. No need for Frasier to suffer any embarrassment.
Frasier: "Let the matter drop." I heard that, Diane. I deserted my hosts and now I need a woman to plead my case.
Cliff: Well, Frasier, if you feel that strong about it, maybe we could take another shot at it.
Frasier: You'd do that for me?
Cliff: Oh, yeah. Yeah, you bet we would.
Frasier: Fine. Well, let's get back out there.
Diane: Out where?
Frasier: Out in the wilds where the snipe run free.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: When I was in the men's room, I looked in the mirror. Do you know what I saw? A quitter. A man who lets his buddies down. I want to prove myself.
Cliff: Yeah. Well, hear that guys? Looks like Frasier wants to go back out there again tonight.
Frasier: Absolutely I want to get back out there again tonight. You know what tonight is? It's the night of the full moon. You know, Sam told me the snipe run best when it's a full moon.
Sam: I said that.
Frasier: That's right. And you said they'd be running all night long, right?
Sam: I said that, too.
Frasier: Well, then what are we waiting for?
Norm: Nothing. Let's get out of here.
Cliff: Ah, Frasier, I've really got to hand it to you, fella. Yeah, you're the first bagger I ever met with enough stamina to go out snipe hunting twice in the same night.
Norm: You're going to go down in the annals of snipe hunting.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam, Diane is my salvation. It's my patients that have caused this distress. Think of it, day after day, miserable people coming into your office and pouring out their litany of depression and anxiety. The only way my situation could be any worse worse is if I actually listened to them.
Diane: Even at a time like this, his humor survived.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hope things look up for you, Frasier.
Frasier: Going fishing, are you?
Sam: Yeah.
Frasier: Oh, how idyllic. The peace of the woods, away from the noise, the crime, the borderline psychotics.
Sam: Well, actually, Cliffie's coming along, too. Just kidding. I was just kidding, Cliff.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Frasier, sometimes people do thoughtless things. They don't mean any harm. They just don't know any better. They're insensitive.
Frasier: Well, good Lord, Diane, you sound like the psychologist I had when I was eight. What are you trying to say?
Diane: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
Frasier: I know that.
Diane: What?
Frasier: Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you?
Frasier: Yes.
Diane: Frasier, how devious. But why didn't you tell me?
Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you. You'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier: I know, but it's what guys do, darling. We screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you. Now, you see, when we get up to that clearing, I'm going to get them to pose for a photo. And after they disappear into the woods to beat out snipe, I'm going to rush back to my car, drive back here and make you one of my famous omelettes.
Diane: Frasier, I find your cunning arousing.
Frasier: Well, that's what it's there for, baby.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Oh, hello, Diane.
Diane: Hi, Frasier. [they kiss] Frasier, your lips are troubled.
Carla: No wonder. Look at the hell he puts them through.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Well, this has been a bad day. Bad week. Bad month. This time of the year is murder on the psychiatric profession.
Diane: Well, just sit down and relax.
Frasier: Scotch, Sam.
Sam: You have problems there, Frase?
Frasier: Oh, it's all the neuroses I face every day in and day out. It just can't help but have a negative effect on me.
Sam: Well, why don't you just do what I did? Throw her clothes in the hallway and lock the door.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: So, you're here? Well, I'm furious with all of you for what you did to me.
Sam: Uh, Frasier, I can explain.
Frasier: Why did you introduce me to that intoxicating sport? I'm positively hooked on it. [imitates birdcall]

Quote from Diane

Cliff: Hey, Sam, come on. We got to tell Frasier. You're holding up the laugh fest?
Diane: We don't have to tell Frasier and we're not going to ever.
Norm: Then why did we do it?
Diane: Well, you're obviously bored with lip diddling.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: Holy coyote! What's that stink? Smells like they're burning the chef's special up there at Melville's.
Carla: Smells like they're burning the chef.
Cliff: No. No, wait a minute, I know what that smell is. [everyone groans as they see Coach with a cigar in his mouth]
Coach: Anybody mind if I smoke?
Carla: Not if you put the lit end in your mouth.
Coach: I learned how to smoke them this way, Carla, and I'll stick with it, thank you.
Sam: Whoo. Boy, is somebody boiling tar in here?
Coach: No, Sam. I'm smoking my cigar.
Sam: Would someone please boil some tar in here?

Quote from Coach

Norm: What's that stench?
Coach: It's my cigar, Normie. Let me know if it bothers you.
Norm: It bothers me.
Coach: Join the club.
Diane: New cologne, Sam? It's a step up.
Sam: Do you have any idea how much that cigar stinks, Coach?
Coach: Are you kidding? It's right below my nose.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Sammy, all set to...
Sam: You bet, good buddy.
Diane: Did that gesture signify a primitive mating ritual?
Sam: Actually, me and Normie are going up to the woods to spend the day fishing.
Diane: Fishing. How lovely. You know, it's truly essential to one's peace of mind now and then to get back in tune with the rhythms of nature and totally shed the mechanized world.
Sam: Yeah, you're right. Did you remember to bring the TV set this time?
Norm: Yeah. I got a portable VCR, Sam.
Sam: Ooh, good.
Norm: We got- I rented Porky's ll and Splash.
Sam: All right.
Diane: I suppose you have a electronic fish tracking device, too?
Sam: Oh, don't be silly. That wouldn't be sportsmanlike, Diane. We prefer depth charges. Boom!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Boy, I love fishing. This just one of those spur-of-the-moment decisions?
Norm: No, no, no. We've planned this for weeks. Check this little lake right here.
Sam: Oh, looks good.
Cliff: I guess you forgot to tell me, your best buddy.
Norm: No, I don't know. I don't remember.
Cliff: Well, I do. You didn't. Now maybe you mentioned it to some other best friend who lives for doing manly things in the wild.
Sam: Cliffie, you want to go fishing with us?
Cliff: No, that's okay, Sam. I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
Norm: You're going to have to if you want come along. Come on, let's go fishing.
Cliff: No, I'd better check my social calendar.
Carla: That's the wall of the men's room.

Quote from Coach

Carla: Hey, Coach. Want to play Red Sox trivia?
Coach: Yeah, sure. Fire away.
Carla: Oh, good. I got some real tough ones for you this time. Ready? Number one. What over .300 hitter was called-
Coach: Jimmy Foxx.
Carla: Right. That was just an easy warm-up. Now we're going to start, okay?
Coach: Shoot.
Carla: What Red Sox shortstop-
Coach: Don Buddin.
Carla: I'm thinking of an outfielder-
Coach: Conigliaro.
Carla: Boy, you are good. Try me now.
Coach: Uh... Who was the only man to pinch hit-
Carla: Lu Clinton.
Coach: You sure you want to go on?
Carla: Eh, I don't know. It's just not as much fun as it used to be. Think we've been playing together too long?
Coach: Well, was the next answer to your next question going to be Frank Malzone?
Carla: Yeah.
Coach: Yeah.

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