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‘Fortune and Men's Weight’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Fortune and Men's Weight

217. Fortune and Men's Weight

Aired February 2, 1984

After Coach is talked into buying a fortune-telling scale for the bar, Carla believes it can predict the future.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: How does a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I don't know, Coach. I usually finish 'em before they get a word in.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: It says, "Your most troublesome problem will soon be solved."
Cliff: Hey, Norm sounds like you're going to get a trim on the old antlers tonight, huh?
Coach: Norm, what's your most troublesome problem?
Norm: You know, that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. I guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, why did you do this? I've told you a thousand times, don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Sam. That salesman, I just couldn't resist him. I mean, he had a way about him.
Sam: One of those fast talkers?
Coach: No, no. No, no. This big tall skinny guy with a beard. He reminded me of somebody in history. Uh, a president. The guy who freed the slaves.
Sam: Abraham Lincoln?
Coach: Only this guy wasn't nice at all. As a matter of fact, he was kind of mean. He reminded me of that little guy in Germany with the mustache. World War II.
Sam: Adolf Hitler?
Coach: Boy, don't play trivia with this guy.
Norm: Coach, you mean this guy was a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler?
Coach: Normie, I don't know. I just want to tell you, he was strange, Normie. He was all dressed in black, and his eyes shined like coals and he had this deep voice and he said to me, [deep voice, German accent] "This scale will not only tell you your weight, but it will tell you your destiny."
Diane: He had an accent?
Coach: No.
Carla: Then why did you say it like, [German accent] your weight and your destiny?
Coach: Just a little color, Carla.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Listen, I don't want to hear any more about this. The scale is not magic. You can't take it seriously. And I'll tell you something, it's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Now, now, now. Let me give you an opening hint from a guy who's opened a lot of these rascals. If you smack this baby right about here, Normie, it'll open up like a big walnut. That's the epicentre of the fulcrum as I remember. Yeah, you better step back, Diane. This thing'll shear your kneecaps off.
[As Cliff stands in front of the crate, Norm the back panel in the exact spot Cliff pointed to. The front panel pops off and lands on top of Cliff's head]
Norm: Cliffie. Cliff, are you all right?
Cliff: Uh, I can't find my shoes, Clyde. I think the dog got them.

Quote from Carla

Sam: "Sanderson, Florist."
Cliff: What's the occasion there, Sam?
Sam: For Diane.
Carla: Did she die?
Sam: Of course not.
Carla: Is she dying? Is she suffering in anyway? Throw me a bone.

Quote from Coach

Coach: See, Sam, they love it. I think this is going to be bigger than that amusement park in California. Uh, the one with the mouse and the duck.
Sam: Disneyland.
Coach: You're tough, Sam, but I'm gonna get you.

Quote from Norm

Norm: I feel so good, I'd like to set up the entire bar. But since that's financially impossible, I'll just settle for buying my buddy Cliff here a drink.
Cliff: Thank you, Norm. Chivas on the rocks.
Norm: What, 12-year-old Scotch? I was thinking more like a beer.
Cliff: Come on. This is great news. You got Vera back.
Norm: Yeah, Vera. Not Nastassja Kinsky. Vera.
Cliff: Beer, Coach.

Quote from Norm

Coach: Normie, tell me, what's it like to go out on a blind date and then you find out it's your own wife?
Norm: Well, we were both kind of nervous at first. Then we split some clams casino and a little Chateaubriand, a bottle of her favorite wine. Next thing you know, we went back to what used to be our place and... we kind of made love.
Sam: Well, you can't kind of make love, Norm.
Norm: You don't know Vera.

Quote from Diane

Carla: Oh, my God!
All: What?
Carla: It's happening! It's happening.
Diane: Sam, she's losing what's left of her grey matter. And I don't mean your underwear, Carla.

Quote from Coach

Norm: I don't know, if you ask me who really runs this country, it's big oil companies. Like, I don't know, who runs Texaco?
Coach: Well, at my station, it's Dave and his son Herbie. Mahmoud does the windows.
Cliff: Yeah, well, you can't get much bigger than Herbie, Dave and Mahmoud, huh?

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Uh, hey, Normie, aren't you a little bit dressed up to come here and just suck on taps all night?
Norm: Cliffie, if you must know, I have other plans for this evening. I have a date.
Carla: Who is it?
Norm: I don't know. A blind date.
Carla: Ah, dangerous. Dangerous.
Sam: Walking into a minefield there, boy.
Norm: No, no, no. A friend of mine set us up. He assures me the woman's perfect for me.
Carla: That's what they all say.
Cliff: Uh, let me guess, said she had good table manners, great personality and an excellent posture, right?
Coach: Sure, they always make it sound good.
Norm: As a matter of fact, Cliffie, he said she was easy on the eye.
Carla: You're a dead man, Norm.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, did you buy this?
Coach: Oh, not me, Sam.
Sam: It's got your name here on the invoice.
Coach: Well, it's gotta be some kind of mistake. Why would I buy a crate?
Sam: It's an antique scale, Coach.
Coach: Oh, yeah, I bought the scale, Sam. But, gee, now that I look at it, I'm kind of disappointed.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Coach, give Norman a screwdriver, please.
Norm: Hey, whoa, Diane. I've got a big date here. I don't want to get pits.
Diane: Come on. It won't be that hard.
[As Diane takes Norm's jacket, his shirt is already home to two very large pit stains]
Cliff: Yeah, we'll stop you before your shoes get squishy.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Can we keep it?
Sam: Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to. The number's been disconnected and there's no new number. The guy's obviously a conman, Coach.
Coach: I knew it. I knew he was a conman the minute I laid eyes on him.
Diane: Well, as a collector of antiques, I think the scale might some day be worth what you paid for it. [Sam shows Diane the receipt] Or a fraction thereof.
Coach: Sam, the salesman also said, [German accent] "This scale is not being made any more. This one was in a cellar for over 40 years."
Sam: Coach, you shouldn't have bought it.

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