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‘Now Pitching, Sam Malone’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone

113. Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Aired January 6, 1983

Sam is hired to be commercial spokesperson and becomes romantically entangled with his agent, Lana (Barbara Babcock).

Quote from Cliff

Norm: You know, I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.
Carla: Whoa. Norman, really?
Diane: I still say that Kennedy will be president some day. [all groan] No, wait. Maybe even next time. You know how politicians are.
Norm: Doesn't make sense.
Cliff: Nah, I really don't think so, there, Diane. I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Man: So who's gonna win, Cliff? Reagan again? Mondale?
Cliff: No. Not a chance. See, I figured it out. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam: That's the stupidest name I ever heard.
Coach: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.

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Quote from Diane

Sam: Hey, Diane, we're talking here.
Diane: She's talking. You're killing time between thoughts.
Sam: You got a problem?
Diane: Look, Sam. Just watch it, OK? She's not one of your usual bimboettes.
Sam: That's what I like about her. She's got a lot of class.
Diane: While I have never been a big fan of the women you date, I will say that at least they were too stupid to be harmful.
Sam: I knew they'd grow on you.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, Lana gave me a message for you but I can't remember it.
Sam: Lana's here?
Coach: That's it.
Coach: By the way, what are you two doing? We got a lot of customers out there.
Sam: Coach, I got a problem. Diane's helping me talk through it.
Coach: Look, Sam, let me tell you something. You've faced a lot of tough problems. You always found a solution but ever since Sir lsaac Hayes here came along... No offence, Diane, I love Sir lsaac Hayes, but, Sam, since then, it's been talk, talk, talk.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Tell me something, Red. Are professional athletes better between the old wamsuttas than ordinary men?
Lana: I've had no experience with ordinary men.
Carla: Oh, me neither, but I'm trying to work my way up to one.
Lana: Believe me, athletes take their pants off one leg at a time, like anybody.
Carla: They take off their pants? Whoa.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Hi, Norman.
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Nah, I'd probably just drink it.

Quote from Norm

Coach: So, what's new, Norm?
Norm: I just came from a late lunch at the Copley Plaza.
Cliff: Whoa, Norm, you had lunch at the Copley?
Norm: Yeah. I took a prospective employer there. I'm kind of courting the guy.
Coach: What did you have?
Norm: The rack of lamb for two. Just... [chef's kiss] Don't remember what he had.

Quote from Diane

Lana: Excuse me, could I ask you a question about your boss?
Diane: Ah, the king of the single entendre?
Lana: Tell me, does he have a wife, or worse, someone he cares about?
Diane: He's available and very desirable, if lummox is your cup of tea. And it appears to be.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Come on, Sam, do it. You're a natural. Look at you. You're tall, handsome, you got a great smile. Show her your smile. [Sam smiles] I'll be damned. Who the hell was I thinking of?

Quote from Carla

Norm: Ho, Cliff. Isn't that Tibor Svetkovic?
Carla: Svetkovic, where?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, that's Svetkovic all right.
Diane: Based on the fact that he has a long name that you can all pronounce, it's my guess that he's an athlete. Or will he be president in 1990?
Cliff: Diane, the man was Czechoslovakia's greatest hockey player. He defected to us just to play in the NHL.
Sam: It's an incredible story actually. He dressed up as a woman, hid in a haystack, crawled on his belly under barbed wire, swam a couple of rivers and stowed away on a tramp steamer to get here.
Diane: Amazing.
Carla: The next week, the rest of his team came over on the Concorde. That's what he gets for not reading his schedule.
Cliff: Well, nobody said he was a smart hockey player.

Quote from Diane

Sam: And who are you?
Lana: I'm Lana Marshall. I'm Tibor's commercial agent.
Sam: Is that right? Well, I'm Sam Malone. I'm kind of the boss here.
Lana: Oh, you're the boss? You're gonna tell me what to do?
Sam: Something tells me you know what to do.
Lana: I know what I like to do.
Sam: Well, that's nice. I like the lady who knows what she likes to do and does what she likes.
Diane: The mating ritual of the horny-breasted lounge lizard.

Quote from Carla

Carla: So, you get jobs for professional athletes to be in commercials, huh?
Lana: Yes. As a matter of fact, I specialize in male athletes.
Carla: [scoffs] Don't you know who you were just talking to? That's Sam Malone.
Tibor Svetkovic: Cute guy. Too bad he has dandruff.
Carla: He used to play with the Red Sox.
Lana: Really? Who does he play with now?
Carla: Whoa. You know, you give broads a good name.

Quote from Sam

Lana: I understand that you were an athlete. I'm sorry, I don't remember you.
Sam: Oh, that's all right. I was a relief pitcher before they became famous. I missed it by a year.
Lana: Tell me, have you done any acting?
Sam: Well, you know, yeah, I have. I had the lead in a school play. The one about the evil woman who pushes her husband into getting rid of people so he can have more and more power.
Lana: You mean Macbeth?
Sam: No, no, no. How Boots Fooled the King. Was that what Macbeth was about, too?
Diane: Tibor's looking better, isn't he?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Are you happy with your agent?
Sam: Oh, God!
Diane: Ah. The Dragon Lady. Tell me about it.
Sam: Why? You wanna hear me say you were right?
Diane: Of course not. Knowing that and knowing you know it and are tortured by it is plenty for this country girl. Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry. I do wanna help. Come on, let's talk.
Sam: You wanna hear about my relationship with another woman?
Diane: Well, maybe... Maybe I should find a man out there who's intellectually capable of helping you. [opens door]
Cliff: [o.s.] All right, everybody line up for the ugliest tongue contest. Alphabetically by height, over here.
Diane: It appears that all the other intellectuals are busy today.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, I don't understand what's going on here. Let me show you something. Come right down here. Just, please, come right down here. Stand right here, Sam. [drops his towel] Pick that up.
Sam: What do you want me to do that for?
Coach: Just pick it up.
[As Sam bends down to pick the towel up, Coach kicks him in the rear]
Sam: Ow.
Coach: [shouts] Now, get the hell out there and tell her you're finished with her.
Sam: Would you please tell him it's more complic-
Coach: [kicks Sam again] Out. Hustle, hustle, hustle.
Sam: What do you want me to do?
Coach: Hustle, hustle. I mean it.
Diane: That was wonderful. Coach, somehow, your instincts just told you...
Coach: Button it up, Diane. We got a lot of people out there. Move it.

Quote from Diane

Diane: May I ask you a question?
Lana: You want to know how he was?
Diane: [scoffs] What? You think I'm gonna stand here and listen to you tell me how good Sam was? Fair?
Lana: What do you wanna know?
Diane: I want to know how you can live with yourself.
Lana: I can't. That's why I like having young athletes around. I've always been crazy about them. You know, sometimes when I'm with one, I swear I can actually hear the crowd cheering.
Diane: You know, I could understand this behavior from an oversexed adolescent or something. But you're...
Lana: An older woman? Middle-aged? All the more reason to grab some youth. You know, there was a time in my life when men would invent tricks and schemes to get my attention. Well, now I'm the one who schemes a little to get theirs. That's not too unfair, is it? But don't be too concerned. Someday, even that won't work. Don't judge me until the bloom is off your rose, honey. Ta-ta. [exits]
Diane: She is good.

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know, Sam, this is my favorite time of day.
Sam: What's that, Coach? Closing time?
Coach: No. 1:37. I don't know. There's just something about it.
Sam: Yeah, I know what you mean. I suppose we've all got our favorite 1:37 story.
Coach: What's your favorite time of day, Sam?
Sam: Gee, I don't know. 8:15's nice.
Coach: Yeah. I used to like 8:5. I think I kinda grew out of it. [both exit]
Norm: Hey, wait a minute. Coach, Sammy. I don't want to be left alone locked up in this bar all ni... [sings] Quarter to three No one in the place except you and me [talks] Once in a while, a man needs a little time to himself.

Quote from Norm

Sam: So, Norm. What was Kennedy doing at the Copley?
Norm: Having lunch. I got his autograph.
Man: You disturbed him during his lunch?
Norm: No. [scoffs] God! I waited till he went to the men's room. [reads] Mart- Martie Broder? I got the wrong stall. I dunno.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Is this my lucky day, or what? First Teddy Kennedy now Tibor Svetkovic.
Cliff: Ah, you better memorize his shoes, Norm, you might want his autograph later.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Tibor, I see you play all the time. I'm Sam Malone.
Tibor Svetkovic: Your problem may be too much caffeine.
Sam: I'm sorry, what?
Lana: He's learning English from television commercials.
Sam: Ah.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Let me take care of you two here. Tibor. Miller Time?
Tibor Svetkovic: Ah, TV! Yes, sir.
Sam: What can I do for you?
Lana: What's your speciality?
Sam: Well, I do everything the same round here. Great.
Lana: Then why don't you surprise me?
Sam: It would be my pleasure.
Lana: Mine too, I hope.
Sam: I'll be right back.
Lana: I'll be right here.
Diane: She'll be here, he'll be back and I'll be sick.

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