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‘They Called Me Mayday’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: They Called Me Mayday

209. They Called Me Mayday

Aired December 1, 1983

When Dick Cavett stops by the bar, he encourages Sam to write a book about his playing days. Meanwhile, Norm's old rival sets his eyes on Vera.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Boy, I feel terrific.
Carla: Been exercising, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla: How many are you up to?
Coach: Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff: Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Coach: Well, I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.
Cliff: Well, you know what they say, Coach. Healthy body, healthy mind. Pick one you've got a good shot at.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: I used to watch him on PBS.
Diane: You watch PBS?
Sam: Sure. There was that one show I used to love in particular.
Diane: Which one?
Sam: Well, the one with all the girls answering the phones.

Quote from Carla

Carla: That is the stupidest exercise system I ever saw.
Cliff: Yeah, stupid like a fox.
Norm: How do you keep so trim, Carla?
Carla: Sex.
Coach: You mean sex is the greatest exercise?
Carla: No. I miss it so much I can't eat.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Hey, Normie, what's the long face for?
Norm: You guys don't know Wally like I do. He moves fast. I wonder if Vera will let me kiss the bride at their wedding.
Coach: I'm sure she will, Normie.
Norm: She didn't at ours. Course, I didn't try that hard.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
Coach: Who does?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing you're Dick Cavett.
Dick Cavett: Ah, well, I couldn't help being Dick Cavett.
Diane: Ah, wit. My ears hunger for it. Being an aspiring poetess, I of course enjoyed your interviews with all those wonderful writers and poets. I will never forget the night when that Russian poet decided to defect right on your stage.
Dick Cavett: Yeah, that was a great moment. Upset the cleaning crew a little.
Diane: [chuckles] Oh, you goose! So what brings you to our hostelry?
Dick Cavett: Well, if you must know, and I gather you must, I'm doing a book-signing party over at the Copley Plaza.
Diane: Yes. Yes, your new book. It's wonderful.
Dick Cavett: Have you read it?
Diane: No, I can only imagine.

Quote from Diane

Diane: "We ran together. Spring set the pace through the wild heather's bloom. We stopped, transfixed by a mayfly's flight. ls love not such, but easier to capture? 'A bug,' you said, crushing it. l smiled, but just a little." Well, what did you think?
Dick Cavett: Well, it... [clears throat] It could use a little bit of... What shall I say? It needs a little...
Diane: Ambiguity, tension and paradox?
Dick Cavett: Exactly.
Diane: Oh, I think I've solved that with "Ephemera ll". "The sky was gossamer..."
Sam: Diane?
Diane: Yes?
Diane: Diane, somebody wants you at another table.
Diane: Who?
Sam: Everybody at this one.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: Hey, she might have a point there, Normie. You've surely hit bottom now, so it's time to make repairs, fix the old engine and get back out on that highway.
Coach: Don't tell me you wrecked your car too, Normie.
Cliff: No, Coach, it's a metaphor.
Coach: Those are the hardest to get parts for!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come here. Look, I threw away my chance to be a famous guy once. Maybe you could help me this time. Please?
Diane: Well, it would be good experience.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: However, I would insist on an as-told-to credit.
Sam: Hey, listen, I think this is gonna be great. You and I make such a wonderful team in every other way.
Diane: Oh, come on, Sam, do you want to fool around or write?
Sam: Well, I thought I can do one and you can do the other.

Quote from Diane

Diane: You must have a lot of close and dear friends in the publishing world.
Dick Cavett: A few.
Diane: Wouldn't it be a great thrill for you to run across a budding poetic genius?
Dick Cavett: Only if I were wearing cleats.
Diane: [laughs] You don't know how I welcome your sense of humor in this desert of banality.
Dick Cavett: I wouldn't call this a desert.
Diane: No?
Dick Cavett: No, a desert would be an easier place to get a drink.
Diane: Oh, yes. What can I get you?

Quote from Norm

Sam: Morning, Norm.
Norm: Morning, Sam. Coffee's on.
Sam: Great. Any calls?
Norm: Mmm. Vera called this morning.
Sam: Oh, yeah? You guys gonna patch it up?
Norm: No. She just wanted to reach out and nag someone.
Sam: Come on. Admit it, Norm. You miss her.
Norm: Yeah. Yeah, I do miss her. As a matter of fact, Sam, there's only one thing that keeps me from taking her back right now.
Sam: She kicked you out on your butt.
Norm: Right.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Sammy, I appreciate you letting me crash here for a while.
Sam: Don't mention it.
Norm: When I get back on my feet, I insist on paying you some kind of rent.
Sam: Come on, Norm, that's not necessary.
Norm: Come on, I have my pride to consider, Sam.
Sam: All right. You can pay me a dollar a month.
Norm: For what?
Sam: All right, how about 50 cents?
Norm: Fine, fine. But no cleaning deposit. We're low on cream, Sam.
Sam: I'll get on it.
Norm: No rush. No rush.

Quote from Carla

Diane: I wonder what Dick Cavett's doing in Boston.
Sam: [to Carla] I don't like the look on her face.
Carla: I haven't seen one I do like.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Ah, well, it just goes to show you there, Coach, everybody needs a little bit of exercise.
Coach: Yeah, I could sure use something, Cliffo. What do you recommend?
Cliff: Ah, you could do what I do. It's prehensile isotonic geometrics.
Coach: Huh?
Cliff: Prehensile isotonic geometrics.
Coach: What is it?
Cliff: Oh, it's muscle tension under constant contraction. See, the beauty of it is you can do it any time, anywhere, but you don't perspire. You wanna give it a shot here, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, sure.
Cliff: So choose a muscle and when I say "Go", flex it for 60 seconds. One, two, three, go.
Norm: Uh-oh. I saw this on Twilight Zone once.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I'm sorry about that, Mr. Cavett. She gets a little overexcited at time.
Dick Cavett: Oh, that's all right. Happens all the time.
Sam: Hey, I'm Sam Malone, owner of the bar. You want anything, just call me, all right?
Dick Cavett: Wait. Sam Malone? Did you used to play baseball?
Sam: Yeah, that's right. You remember me?
Dick Cavett: Sure. I saw you pitch once at Yankee Stadium.
Sam: Is that right? Did I have a good night?
Dick Cavett: I hope so. You had a lousy day. I remember you hit three batters and gave up back-to-back homers. You remember that game?
Sam: I had a drinking problem back in those days. There are a few things I don't remember. Like, uh, 1974, 1975.
Dick Cavett: '75. The year you won the pennant.
Sam: We did? How about that! Is that right?

Quote from Norm

Wally: Moonglow? Moonglow Peterson, is that you? It's me, Wally Bodell.
Norm: Wally Bodell? From Dean Acheson High?
Wally: One and the same!
Norm: Hey, well, I'll be! I haven't seen you since high school. You've put on a few pounds, pal.
Wally: You lost a few.
Norm: Yeah, you know, I work out a little bit, you know.

Quote from Cliff

Wally: You know, Norm and I competed for Vera all through high school.
Norm: Yeah, yeah.
Wally: Whatever happened to her, Norm?
Norm: I married her. Married the hell out of her. Actually, Wally, Vera and I are kind of separated right now.
Wally: Yeah? Oh, that's too bad. Too bad. You wouldn't mind if I just sort of dropped by and said hello to her, would you?
Norm: Mind? [scoffs] Hell, no. She's nothing to me now. Don't worry about it.
Cliff: Yeah, he's going out with a girl a lot better than that old Vera. Yeah, that old hag. And you can tell her, too.
Wally: What's her name?
Cliff: It's Tanya.
Norm: Right, Tanya.
Cliff: Yeah, Tanya Cocoabutter.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Oh, I never felt better. I feel 20 years old again.
Carla: Good for you, Coach.
Coach: Carla, listen, I bet I could do handstand push-ups right now and I haven't done any in years. I'm gonna try it.
Cliff: Oh, Coach, you be careful there. You might hurt something.
Coach: I gotta try it, Cliffo. [Carla gasps as the Coach does it] Now let me try it one-handed. I still got the old touch!
Sam: Coach, what the hell are you doing?
Coach: Handstand push-ups. Like I used to do in spring training.
Sam: Coach, you never did handstand push-ups in spring training. No, that was Johnny Driscoll.
Coach: Oh, yeah. Johnny Driscoll. [thud]
Carla: Are you OK?
Coach: Yeah, Carla, I'm OK, thanks to Sam.

Quote from Sam

Dick Cavett: Well, I sounded him out about it but he feels it's a little tame. Not controversial enough.
Sam: What about the booze problem?
Dick Cavett: Well, I guess booze isn't enough these days. Maybe ten years ago. You know, nowadays, they're looking for something spicier: drugs, homosexuality, a little perversion.
Sam: Well, I'm sorry I didn't get out more.
Dick Cavett: You know what, there is an inference in here that you were a bit of a playboy during your career.
Sam: Playboy? [chuckles] Hell, yes, I... [off Diane's look] Well, kind of.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Coach, do you know who that is?
Coach: Who, the guy with Dick Cavett?
Diane: Coach, that's Dick Cavett.
Carla: Yeah, that is him.
Cliff: Yeah. Lecturer, talk show host, raconteur, short guy.
Carla: Kind of cute for a brainiac.

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