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‘No Help Wanted’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: No Help Wanted

214. No Help Wanted

Aired January 12, 1984

When Norm is forced to take a job as a dishwasher up at Melville's, Diane suggests that Sam hire him as the bar's accountant.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotional overtones. But without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond. And let's face it, in your case, we're not exactly dealing with white water rapids in the first place.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know, Sam, every time I hear A Foggy Day In London Town, I think of my wife.
Sam: Oh, was that your song, Coach?
Coach: No, but Sinatra sang that and it always reminds me of that movie From Here To Eternity.
Cliff: Oh, you took her to see it on your first date, Coach?
Coach: No, that movie reminds me of Hawaii.
Diane: Oh, you and your wife met in Hawaii?
Coach: No, I've never been to Hawaii, Diane. Neither has Wally Engels.
Cliff: I'll take it. Coach, who's Wally Engels?
Coach: An old pal of mine in the navy. He introduced me to my wife.
All: Ah.
Sam: Boy, that's some memory you've got there, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, Sam. [Moon River plays on the radio]
Man: Ah, that song brings back great memories.
Coach: Oh, yeah, really? What?
Man: They were playing it the day my daughter got married.
Coach: Yeah?
Man: That's all.
Coach: We sure get 'em in here, don't we, Sam?

Quote from Cliff

Sam: What were you saying?
Diane: Well, on my way here, I saw a fellow who looked very much like Norman, sneaking in the back door of Melville's kitchen. Now, he looked so much like Norman I said hi to him, but he pulled his coat over his face and ran inside.
Sam: What would Norm be doing in Melville's kitchen?
Diane: I think Norman's been reduced to taking a job as a busboy or a dishwasher.
Cliff: No, no. Norm would never stoop to that. He probably just went in to beg for table scraps or something.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So as we see, the roots of physical aggression in the male of the species is found right here in the old DNA molecule itself. Yeah, right up here at about 1:00, as I recall.
Diane: Fascinating, cliff.
Cliff: Oh, yes, Diane. Fascinating. You, hold onto your hat, too, because the very letters "DNA" are an acronym for the words "dames are not aggressive."
Diane: They stand for deoxyribonucleic acid.
Cliff: Ah, yes, but parse that in the Latin declension, and my point is still moot.
Diane: You know, Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.
Cliff: Oh. Thank you, Diane. Let's, uh, talk about the gas turbine engine for a while.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Norm's late again today.
Sam: Yeah, I noticed. It's starting to eat into my beer profits. I'm going to have to raise the price of a draught here to get even. That'll be $11 there, Cliff.

Quote from Coach

Carla: You know, he hasn't been in before five o'clock all week. You don't suppose Norm has finally got himself a job, do you?
Cliff: Nah, nah. If Norm had a job, he'd have told us about it.
Coach: Gee, I hope he didn't tell me and I forgot. No, I'd remember forgetting something that big.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm.
Diane: Norman!
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey, I'm high on life, Coach. Of course beer is my life.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, I'm standing by you. I may not agree with you, but I admire your courage. I know exactly how you feel.
Sam: Oh, you do?
Diane: Yes, Sam, I have personal experience standing against the majority. Resisting the force of public opinion for the sake of personal principle.
Sam: Is that right? Like what?
Diane: Well, in my senior year, I fought single-handedly to integrate my sorority.
Sam: Oh, you hear this? What, they wouldn't let blacks in?
Diane: Well, it wasn't about the blacks. That's really not the point.
Cliff: What was it, some other race?
Diane: Well, no.
Carla: A religion?
Diane: Well, it wasn't exactly a religion.
Sam: Well, come on. Who? Who?
Diane: [mumbles]
Sam: What? Who wouldn't they let in?
Diane: Girls with poorly-publicized coming-out parties. And within a couple of months, they blended right in.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just thought of something.
Diane: Oh, I thought I heard a clank.
Sam: About a week ago, Norm asked me if a real man would wash dishes.
Cliff: Oh, Norm.
Carla: I don't believe it.
Diane: It's impossible to escape the conclusion.
Coach: I found a way.
Cliff: Now, look, I'm not going to believe that my buddy, a professional man like myself, has been reduced to scrubbing pots and pans in a fish house. I mean, if he had, there'd be telltale signs. You know, he'd come in reeking like a mackerel.
Norm: [o.s.] Go on! Beat it! Scram!
[As Norm walks down the steps to Cheers, he is followed by a large group of cats]
Norm: Get out of here! Beat it! Get out of here! Go on! Get out of here!
Sam: Well, that proves it. He's either washing dishes, or driving a herd of cats to Dodge City.
Coach: Ah, Sam, he'd need at least 200 head for that drive to Dodge.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Hey, Norm, what's with all the cats?
Norm: What? Animals like me.
Carla: Good. Cos no human is gonna.
Cliff: Norm, you smell like low tide in Bridgeport.
Norm: It must have been that tuna sandwich I ate.
Cliff: Oh, what did you do, eat it or roll in it?

Quote from Coach

Diane: Oh, Norman, you must be hopelessly depressed.
Norm: Last night I went home so depressed, I almost jumped out my window. There were so many cats, they would have broken the fall. That- Those guys out there are only a scouting party. Go on! Get out of here! Raah!
Diane: Norman, there's dignity in any work. Now, don't be ashamed of physical labor.
Coach: Oh, no, Diane, I know exactly how Normie feels. When I was a youngster, I was a busboy. And I'm telling you, the humiliation, the getting ordered around, it's more than a man can take.
Man: Hey, get a beer over here, huh, Grandpa?
Coach: Yes, sir. Right away.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Sammy, I am honored. I want you to know this is one of the great moments of my life.
Sam: Aw, come on. Give me a break. One of your greatest moments?
Norm: Easy, Sam. There have only been two. I'm aware you're doing this out of pity, Sam, but you just got the best damn accountant around.
Cliff: I'll second that.
Coach: What, that he just got the best damn accountant around?
Cliff: No, that he's doing it out of pity.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Whoa, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Norm "Render Unto Caesar That Which Is Zilch" Peterson!

Quote from Norm

Sam: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Almost done. You won't be disappointed. I found a few things. You're gonna have the best damn tax return ever to be audited. Oh, lighten up, will you? It's a tax joke, come on.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Boy, Sam, you know there's a bounce in Norm's step I haven't seen in months. Tonight may be a turning point in his life. He might come out of that office, his job complete. Who knows, he may even make amends with Vera and start building a new life.
Diane: Oh, that would be wonderful.
Cliff: Then again, he might drink till he passes out with his head in the toilet. It's too close to call, really.

Quote from Carla

Carla: [on the phone] Of course babies can eat pizza. Just put it in the blender.

Quote from Carla

Norm: You know what you are?
Sam: What?
Diane: Don't say anything-
Norm: You're a backstabber.
Sam: Well, you know something, you're a big baby.
Norm: Hair hat.
Sam: Ham-hock.
Carla: [to Diane] Gooseneck. This is fun.
Diane: We are not the ones fighting, here, spaghetti breath.

Quote from Coach

Norm: You're bad, Malone. B-a-d, you're bad.
Sam: You're starting to get on my nerves. You know that?
Norm: Well, the truth hurts, huh, Malone?
Coach: Oh, my God. Will the two of you listen to yourselves? Standing there, arguing, bickering! You're making a mockery out of Bell Day!

Quote from Sam

Becky: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Becky. Boy, long time no see.
Becky: Yeah, I finally got transferred back to Boston. I really missed this city and a lot of its landmarks. Speaking of which, when do you get off?
Sam: Oh, I don't get off any more, Becky. What I meant by that was Diane and I are going together here.

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