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‘Showdown, Part 1’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Showdown, Part 1

121. Showdown, Part 1

Aired March 24, 1983

Sam feels inferior when his hot-shot older brother arrives and captures everyone's attention at the bar, including Diane's.

Quote from Coach

Carla: Coach?
Coach: Si?
Carla: Did you know Sam has a brother?
Coach: Of course I know he had a brother. He hates him.
Carla: Why does he hate him?
Coach: He was cruel to him. When Sam was a kid, he used to shove his head underwater. Hey, wait a minute. That was my brother. Come to think of it, that was my head.

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Quote from Carla

Sam: Yeah, Derek's always been like that, always had to have the spotlight, had to be the center of attention.
Carla: Yeah, well, you know if it's any consolation to you, Sam, I know how you feel. I got a sister who's got me beat in every way. She's five foot two, her husband never has a drink until noon, and she's a beautician. How do you compete with that? But after a while I said to myself, "To hell with her. I'm me."
Sam: What you're trying to say is I'm as good as my brother?
Carla: You kidding? You're not even as good as my sister. But I still like you best, Sam.

Quote from Sam

Diane: You know what your problem is, Mr. Malone? You are afraid of your feelings.
Sam: I am not afraid of my feelings. I don't have any feelings about this. Whatever you and my brother Derek want to do is OK with me. I don't care.
Diane: Fine.
Sam: Please don't go.
Diane: What? What did you say?
Sam: I said I have no feelings about this.
Diane: No, no, after that. You said something. It sounded like "Please don't go."
Sam: Please don't go? Are you crazy? Diane, you gotta get over this egotism of yours. Go. Go, with my blessings. Go. Have a good time, really. Please stay here.
Diane: Wait a minute. What was that? There at the end you said something.
Sam: Come on, you're hallucinating. Would you get outta here and have a good time, please? Go on, go on.
Diane: OK, I'm glad you understand.
Sam: If you go, I'll die.
Diane: What?! I heard you say something.
Sam: Oh, come on, you're coming unglued. Please go. Have fun.
Diane: OK, I'll go.
Sam: There you go.
Diane: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go freshen up. I'd rather stay with you.
Sam: What? What did you say?
Diane: I didn't hear anything.

Quote from Diane

Sam: No, no problem. My brother's coming over. I love my brother.
Diane: That's not what I heard.
Sam: Maybe you want to step in here and let me show you something I've triumphed over.
Diane: Don't tell me you've finally mastered the stapler.

Quote from Coach

Carla: Coach, don't Sam and his brother spend any time together?
Coach: Oh, they get together whenever he's in town, but he's never been to Cheers.
Diane: Well, he's coming now, and someone has to tell Sam.
Coach: Let me do it. I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news. [knocks]
Sam: [opens door] Yeah?
Coach: Sam, your apartment burned down, you lost everything.
Sam: Oh, my God. Really?
Coach: No. Your brother's in town, he's on his way over. Makes you feel better, doesn't it?
Sam: I hate it when you do that, Coach.
Coach: Oh, come on, Sam, it cushions the blow.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, you want me to hang around till your date gets here?
Sam: No, you probably wanna get on home.
Carla: Are you kidding? It's 2 am. My kids might be there.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sammy, would you just tell me one thing? What do you see in her?
Sam: Who?
Diane: The one who was off on a Learjet with your brother. The one who can't stop talking. The geek.
Sam: Carla, I know she's not perfect. I know she talks too much. She's all those things you said. But there are times when I'm with her she just... irritates the hell out of me.
Carla: That's what you're looking for?
Sam: Maybe it is. I don't know.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, I know what you mean. I'm always falling for guys I hate. My whole life has been the wrong man at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong birth-control device. Sam?
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: You ever thought, even for a minute, about you and me?
Sam: Sure I have, Carla.
Carla: A recent minute?
Sam: Carla, I was always afraid you'd be too much woman for me.
Carla: You're a wise man, Sam Malone.

Quote from Diane

Diane: There's something extraordinary on TV.
Cliff: What's up. Is there a game on?
Coach: What is it, the Bruins?
Norm: I think the lady singing the anthem is loaded.
Coach: Diane, what the hell is this?
Diane: Wagner's "Ring of the Nibelungs", the complete cycle. "Das Rheingold", "Die Walkure", "Siegfried" and finally "Gotterdammerung".
Coach: Gee, I hope they don't use that canned laughter.
Diane: Oh, Coach, it's not comedy. This is opera. I'll explain as we proceed. Now, this is the story of a golden ring with magical powers that curses anyone who owns it.
Norm: Hey, hey, wait. They had that same story on Scooby Doo Saturday morning.
Cliff: Yeah, but the dog sang a little better than that.
Diane: Come on, you guys. Now give it a chance. The first three hours are... [guys groan] Hey, hey, hey. I put up with your sporting events. It's time that you return the favor. After ten minutes, if you aren't totally mesmerized by its beauty, I will turn it off.
Paul: Ten minutes? [all pretend to snore]
Diane: Very funny. Culture's wasted on you. Oxygen is wasted on you.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be in the back checking the wine.
Coach: OK, Sam. [to Diane] Would you like to join me? It's quiet, empty, dimly lit.
Diane: Ah, much like your mind.
Sam: So, what do you say?
Diane: Sam, you talk a lot about our having a dalliance, but I've always been told that barking dogs don't bite.
Sam: Biting. Is that what you're into?
Diane: Do you know what bothers me? There are women upon whom this works, and they're allowed to vote and drive cars.
Sam: So, what do you say?

Quote from Coach

Coach: [on the phone] Eddie, it's been nice talking to you. Oh, by the way, did I tell you that my wife passed away some time ago? Yeah. Well, thanks, Eddie, I really appreciate that. Is your wife dead yet, Ed? That's good, really. Listen, Ed, I wanna thank you for thinking about me, and I'll get back to you. So long, pal. [hangs up]
Diane: What is it, Coach?
Coach: Pal of mine, Eddie Fuentes, he manages in the Winter Leagues down in Venezuela. He says if I can learn Spanish, he might have a job for me, coaching.
Carla: You mean you're gonna return to coaching, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, Carla, baseball's so much simpler than life, you know? In baseball I always know where I'm at. We're up, I'm in the coach's box. They're up, I'm in the dugout. The game is over, I hit the head, get a cheeseburger.
Carla: Sounds like a great life, Coach.
Coach: It's terrific.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: You know any Spanish, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, I took some courses for a couple of days just to learn a few phrases.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Coach: Like, "How tall is my dentist?" and "Is that really your sister?" Just enough to get by.
Cliff: You're gonna do fine, Coach.
Coach: Thanks, Cliff.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, a nuclear bomb just hit Boston.
Sam & Diane: Derek's here.
Coach: They're catching on.

Quote from Carla

Sam: What do you think? Do you think Diane likes Derek?
Carla: [mocking] "Does Diane like Derek?" I don't know, Sammy. I'll pass her a note in gym.
Sam: No, no, no. I'm serious. I mean, I know what my brother's like around women, and I know Diane...
Carla: You know something, Sam? I used to admire you. But know what's happened to you ever since she got here? You've turned into a big weenie. You're a dink, a wimp, a fred, a loser.
Sam: Well, thank you very much, Carla. I was having a little bit of a confidence problem, but that's been a real boost.

Quote from Coach

Coach: You want me to take the bar over?
Sam: No.
Coach: Oh, I get it. I get it. You'd rather be here when he's back there, right?
Sam: Yeah, something like that.
Coach: People don't have to draw pictures for me, Sam. Although I like it, but they don't have to.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Fred and Ginger are taking a break, but they'll be back to nauseate you later on.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Sit down. Sit down. See, what they were talking about out there is, uh, I used to have this problem with my brother, Derek. It was kind of a... What do you call it? an inferiority complex. But that was a long time ago, and I conquered it. Here it is. Yeah, this is the guy that used to make me feel like nothing.
Diane: Wow.
Sam: Wow, what?
Diane: Well, he's very nice-looking. He'd be even better if he had his two front teeth.
Sam: No, I blacked those out myself. That was before I got over my problem. See, the interesting thing is I didn't go to any psychiatrists. I didn't read any fancy books. I just sat myself down and said, "Hey, my brother's no better than I am."
Diane: I'm sure you're right. What's he do for a living?
Sam: He's an international lawyer.
Diane: Oh, wow.
Sam: Hey, it so happens I come from a very intelligent family. Yeah, I guess Derek does OK for himself. He must make 50, 60 grand a year.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? Those guys make 10 times that much.
Sam: Wow. Yeah, but it's the job. Last year he traveled so much, he had to buy his own plane. What kind of life is that?
Diane: The poor wretch.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Who am I kidding? The guy is better at everything than I am. I mean, he's perfect.
Diane: Oh, Sam. He's maybe a man of some accomplishment, but this all sounds like a younger brother idealizing his older sibling.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Sure. He's just an ordinary Joe. Can I keep this? You must have a sense of humor about these things.
Sam: Yeah, maybe you're right. If guess I looked at it right, it could be funny.
Diane: Sure.
Sam: Maybe one less tooth and a mustache.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Listen. Wait. I don't want you to worry about me. I'm used to living around Mr. Wonderful all my life. It's no big deal. It's just that when he's in the room, I feel invisible.
Diane: Oh, Sam, I don't pay you a lot of compliments, but I really don't feel you have any need to feel inferior to anyone.
Sam: Thank you. That's very nice. [opens the door]
Diane: Nice voice. Who is that?
Sam: Guess.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Where are my waitresses?
Norm: Watching the show.
Sam: The show?
Norm: Yeah, Derek's doing trick pool shots. Must have had fun growing up with him. Do you have any idea what kind of gift I could get for Derek?
Sam: Gift?
Norm: Yeah, I feel I should get him something. I mean, he did get me a job.
Sam: He got you a job tonight, after all those months you're been looking for one?
Norm: Not just a job, Sammy. He got me a great job. For the first time I'm gonna have my own parking space. Got a secretary, a window for water bombs, all the perks.
Sam: Well, good for you, Norm. That's great.
Norm: So what can I get him?
Sam: I really don't care what you get him. Get him a tie.
Norm: Sure. I wouldn't dare buy clothes for that guy. He has his lint made in England.

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