Carla: Coach?
Coach: Si?
Carla: Did you know Sam has a brother?
Coach: Of course I know he had a brother. He hates him.
Carla: Why does he hate him?
Coach: He was cruel to him. When Sam was a kid, he used to shove his head underwater. Hey, wait a minute. That was my brother. Come to think of it, that was my head.

Sam: Yeah, Derek's always been like that, always had to have the spotlight, had to be the center of attention.
Carla: Yeah, well, you know if it's any consolation to you, Sam, I know how you feel. I got a sister who's got me beat in every way. She's five foot two, her husband never has a drink until noon, and she's a beautician. How do you compete with that? But after a while I said to myself, "To hell with her. I'm me."
Sam: What you're trying to say is I'm as good as my brother?
Carla: You kidding? You're not even as good as my sister. But I still like you best, Sam.

Diane: You know what your problem is, Mr. Malone? You are afraid of your feelings.
Sam: I am not afraid of my feelings. I don't have any feelings about this. Whatever you and my brother Derek want to do is OK with me. I don't care.
Diane: Fine.
Sam: Please don't go.
Diane: What? What did you say?
Sam: I said I have no feelings about this.
Diane: No, no, after that. You said something. It sounded like "Please don't go."
Sam: Please don't go? Are you crazy? Diane, you gotta get over this egotism of yours. Go. Go, with my blessings. Go. Have a good time, really. Please stay here.
Diane: Wait a minute. What was that? There at the end you said something.
Sam: Come on, you're hallucinating. Would you get outta here and have a good time, please? Go on, go on.
Diane: OK, I'm glad you understand.
Sam: If you go, I'll die.
Diane: What?! I heard you say something.
Sam: Oh, come on, you're coming unglued. Please go. Have fun.
Diane: OK, I'll go.
Sam: There you go.
Diane: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go freshen up. I'd rather stay with you.
Sam: What? What did you say?
Diane: I didn't hear anything.

Sam: No, no problem. My brother's coming over. I love my brother.
Diane: That's not what I heard.
Sam: Maybe you want to step in here and let me show you something I've triumphed over.
Diane: Don't tell me you've finally mastered the stapler.

Carla: Coach, don't Sam and his brother spend any time together?
Coach: Oh, they get together whenever he's in town, but he's never been to Cheers.
Diane: Well, he's coming now, and someone has to tell Sam.
Coach: Let me do it. I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news. [knocks]
Sam: [opens door] Yeah?
Coach: Sam, your apartment burned down, you lost everything.
Sam: Oh, my God. Really?
Coach: No. Your brother's in town, he's on his way over. Makes you feel better, doesn't it?
Sam: I hate it when you do that, Coach.
Coach: Oh, come on, Sam, it cushions the blow.

Carla: Hey, Sam, you want me to hang around till your date gets here?
Sam: No, you probably wanna get on home.
Carla: Are you kidding? It's 2 am. My kids might be there.

Carla: Sammy, would you just tell me one thing? What do you see in her?
Sam: Who?
Diane: The one who was off on a Learjet with your brother. The one who can't stop talking. The geek.
Sam: Carla, I know she's not perfect. I know she talks too much. She's all those things you said. But there are times when I'm with her she just... irritates the hell out of me.
Carla: That's what you're looking for?
Sam: Maybe it is. I don't know.

Carla: Hey, I know what you mean. I'm always falling for guys I hate. My whole life has been the wrong man at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong birth-control device. Sam?
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: You ever thought, even for a minute, about you and me?
Sam: Sure I have, Carla.
Carla: A recent minute?
Sam: Carla, I was always afraid you'd be too much woman for me.
Carla: You're a wise man, Sam Malone.

Diane: There's something extraordinary on TV.
Cliff: What's up. Is there a game on?
Coach: What is it, the Bruins?
Norm: I think the lady singing the anthem is loaded.
Coach: Diane, what the hell is this?
Diane: Wagner's "Ring of the Nibelungs", the complete cycle. "Das Rheingold", "Die Walkure", "Siegfried" and finally "Gotterdammerung".
Coach: Gee, I hope they don't use that canned laughter.
Diane: Oh, Coach, it's not comedy. This is opera. I'll explain as we proceed. Now, this is the story of a golden ring with magical powers that curses anyone who owns it.
Norm: Hey, hey, wait. They had that same story on Scooby Doo Saturday morning.
Cliff: Yeah, but the dog sang a little better than that.
Diane: Come on, you guys. Now give it a chance. The first three hours are... [guys groan] Hey, hey, hey. I put up with your sporting events. It's time that you return the favor. After ten minutes, if you aren't totally mesmerized by its beauty, I will turn it off.
Paul: Ten minutes? [all pretend to snore]
Diane: Very funny. Culture's wasted on you. Oxygen is wasted on you.

Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be in the back checking the wine.
Coach: OK, Sam. [to Diane] Would you like to join me? It's quiet, empty, dimly lit.
Diane: Ah, much like your mind.
Sam: So, what do you say?
Diane: Sam, you talk a lot about our having a dalliance, but I've always been told that barking dogs don't bite.
Sam: Biting. Is that what you're into?
Diane: Do you know what bothers me? There are women upon whom this works, and they're allowed to vote and drive cars.
Sam: So, what do you say?