Diane: I am sorry that you're all so cynical that you can't accept Sam and me. Well, it doesn't bother us. We believe in us, right, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, you bet. It's going to be great. I may have to work harder on this one, but it's going to be worth it.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: You're welcome.
Diane: Now, if you will excuse us, we are going to go out and begin our lives together. There's more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.

Diane: I know that you must be curious about what Sam and I were talking about. We want to be totally honest with you. Um... [clears throat] It is said that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. But the heart has a wisdom of its own and Sam and I have decided to traverse the fall line of our aloneness.
Carla: What's she talking about, Sammy?
Sam: I don't know. Is this what we were talking about in there?
Diane: Of course.
Sam: Uh, Diane and I have decided we're going to start messing around.

Coach: You know what I was just thinking? Most of the guys that, you know, I broke into the majors with are all gone now.
Alan: You mean gone to the great beyond?
Coach: No, Alan, dead. Oh, I can't understand it. You know, you wonder, you're born, you grow up, you die. Is that the end? Is that it?
Cliff: Well, you know, there's various theories about an afterlife, Coach. Ah, yeah, millions believe in reincarnation.
Coach: You mean like when you come back as a chicken?
Cliff: Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach. Well, the Hindus believe that what you come back as depends on your behavior in this life. You know, if you've lead a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Coach: Like Colorado?
Cliff: No, Coach. More like a king or a prince. But, you know, conversely, if you've not led a good life, you'll come back in a lowly condition.
Norm: Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself.
Paul: I figure if you're dead, you're dead. This idea of living forever doesn't appeal to me.
Norm: I can see why, Paul.

Sam: Hey, Carla, I mean it.
Carla: Oh, I believe you, Sammy. I do. But you know, I could tell you how to get Diane back. Tell you what, if you're interested, I'll be down at the end of the bar.
Sam: [to Norm] Well, it's got to be good for a laugh. [to Carla] How?
Carla: Women have always come pretty easy to you, Sammy. Now you have finally got yourself a toughie. Let me tell you how to handle her. Now, I don't care what we women say when we get dressed up and go on the Phil Donahue show. Every woman wants to be controlled. Even your Miss Egghead there. Women like power, Sammy. Raw, naked power. The reason I stayed with Nick so long was because he had power. Sure, he was a gentleman sometimes. Like he would take me out to a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. They'd call our number and he'd go get it. But once we got behind that bedroom door, Sammy, he called the shots.

Norm: She's right, Sam. One time I had to get tough with Vera. Really lay down the law. Next night I came home, she was waiting for me wearing nothing but a saran wrap bikini. I haven't been able to look at a sandwich since.

Diane: Well, you see, that's what I mean. I want to be special. I want to go someplace where you've never been with a woman.
Sam: All right. OK. That's easy enough. Uh, like where?
Diane: How about a hotel?
Sam: Oh, yeah. Hotel's good. That's great.
Diane: One you've never been to with anyone else.
Sam: All right. That's easy. [pulls out the Yellow Pages] Let's see. Hotels. There we go. No. No. Well, I'll be darned.

Sam: [o.s.] Diane, open up.
Diane: Go away, Sam. I'm meditating.
Sam: [o.s.] Open the door, Diane. I have something I want to say.
Diane: Oh, Sam, how much more evidence do you need that we were not made in heaven. We turn into idiots in each other's company. The difference in your case is barely perceptible, but it's starting to bother me.

Diane: I've changed my mind. [Sam rushes to pull out the couch] No, I mean about your apartment. I know you're going to think that I'm overly sensitive, but, Sam, you've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. It gets exaggerated here in the bar. There haven't been many, really.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Well, I don't know. Maybe four hun- [Diane gasps] Four honeys. Maybe that's more than my share, but it's all behind me now.

Cliff: It sure got quiet there all of a sudden.
Norm: You don't think he killed her?
Carla: Nah. Even in death, she wouldn't be that quiet.
Coach: What do you think they're doing in there if they're not fighting?

Diane: Well, isn't it nice that for once we're not fighting?
Sam: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. [silence]
Diane: Let's go someplace. Let's go someplace where we can feel free to express what we're feeling right now.
Sam: Great. How about the couch?
Diane: The couch. [laughs]
Sam: Who said we always had to be serious?
Diane: Oh, will you stop joking? I want to go someplace intimate, someplace romantic.
Sam: Oh, yeah. OK. All right, romantic. Yeah. My apartment?
Diane: Your apartment?
Sam: [chuckles] There I go again, huh?
Diane: No, I think that's a good idea.
Sam: Well, that's why I said it.
Diane: Your apartment. The place you spend half your life and I've never even seen it.
Sam: I think you're going to like it. I'll give you my famous guided tour. Starting in the bedroom. And ending in heaven. [they kiss]