Sally: You and I have flown a lot of missions together. If you asked me to put out the sun with my bare hands, I would, no questions asked, but if you ever send me out in broad daylight to pick up a bunch of women's magazines again, I will kill you.
Dick: This may sound silly to you, but I have a date with Dr. Albright, and I want to be sure to say the right thing. Now help me out here.
Sally: Dick, they're pointless. They're mind-altering. They impose arbitrary standards on women. It's like propaganda for some sort of estrogen cult.
Dick: Just read.
Sally: Okay. Okay, here's a topic. You could discuss biology.
Dick: Why?
Sally: According to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 women have multiple organisms.

Mary: Honestly, there's something about you that seems odd. It's as if you were out of sync with every other person on the planet.
Dick: Well, how can that be? Every day I go out of my way to do things that appear normal.
Mary: What you just said, that's not normal.
Dick: What else?
Mary: Well, you you act as if you're feeling everything for the first time. You have no control over your emotions. You tried to feed me doggy treats.

Man: [on radio] And the winning numbers: 2, 21, 51, 9, 27 and 48. [all cheer]
Sally: We won again!
Dick: Ah! That was fun. [rips up the ticket]
Harry: Ah, yes.
Dick: A dollar well spent.
Harry: If luck were money, we'd be rich.

[As Dick sits at his desk, he pats his leg, whistles and then holds out a treat while making a kissing noise]
Mary: What are you doing?
Dick: Tempting you with the great taste of bacon. [kissing]
Mary: I'm going to take these folders in to Nina, and when I come back, you'll be gone.

Dick: Hey, look at them. They're not kissing. They're not groping. They're ooh, I know this. Cuddling, cuddling is interesting. It's both romantic and sexual. Yes, but it's more than that. It implies an intimate relationship. How do you establish that with a woman?
Sally: Why are you looking at me?
Dick: Because you're the woman.
Sally: Yeah, for two whole months, but I haven't even figured out how to take off my bra yet.

Sally: What are you going to do with him?
Harry: Well, I'm going to start by establishing communication. Oh, have a seat, my friend. [dog sits on the table] There. [dog barks]
Sally: What's he trying to say?
Harry: He said that Lassie's a guy.

Sally: Okay, here's everything you need to know about racquetball.
Dick: Thanks for bringing this, Lieutenant.
Sally: Well, I found myself starting to talk to the scrubbing bubbles, so I figured I better take a walk.
Dick: Oh, this is Newtonian physics. Trajectory and velocity. An imbecilic baby could do it. Well, I'm off to the games.
Sally: Play fiercely and annihilate your opponent.
Dick: As it always was and always will be. [they salute]

Dick: Why am I so hostile to this Jeff person? He's never done anything to me. In fact, he seems like a perfectly tolerable twit. But for some reason, I hate him just because Dr. Albright likes him. Why?
Tommy: It's called jealousy, Dick. It's what happens to Moose when Reggie flirts with Midge. If you'd read a little, you'd know something about this.

Harry: You want to know about love? I'll show you love. Scruffy, come here. Come here. Oh, see? He loves me for no reason. He lives just to bask in the light of my smile. And the best thing is, we both scare the mailman.
Dick: Why can't Dr. Albright leap into my lap and lick my face?
Harry: Well, some breeds are more skittish than others.

Harry: Mrs. Dubcek doesn't like Scruffy.
Mrs. Dubcek: The lease says no pets.
Harry: But he's so cute.
Mrs. Dubcek: No! I'm allergic to dogs. My throat closes off and I can't breathe.
Harry: But he's so cute.
Mrs. Dubcek: No! I can't breathe. No, no. Sorry. No, the pooch cannot stay.
Harry: But he's so cute!
Mrs. Dubcek: No! [exits]
Tommy: That's too bad, Harry. I guess you know what you have to do.
Harry: Yes, Scruffy and I must kill Mrs. Dubcek and hide her body under the floorboards.