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Paranoid Dick

‘Paranoid Dick’

Season 4, Episode 14 -  Aired February 16, 1999

Dick convinces Mary that her Judith is conspiring with Chancellor Stevens to take her job. Meanwhile, Harry, Vicki and Tommy take Sally on a gambling riverboat to get her mind off her break-up with Don.

Quote from Harry

Harry: Jackpot! Yeah! Check it out, Tommy. This is the loosest machine on the boat.
Tommy: Harry, it's a change machine.
Harry: That's right. It's changing me into a winner. Cocktails.
Tommy: Come on, Harry, let's go. People want to use the machine.
Harry: Oh, well, I'm sure that they do. Come on, baby. Money comes to money. Come on, mama. [machine dispenses change] Yeah!


Quote from Mary

Mary: I'd never been in trouble until he came along. But he has this way of talking, see, when you know he's crazy, but you just can't help but listen to him. And all of a sudden, you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do. Bad things, stupid things. And where is he now? Free as a bird. While I'm in here taking the fall.
Lorraine: We know how you feel.
Ginger: Yeah. You need a new pimp.
Mary: Pimp? I'm not a hooker. I'm a professor.
Ginger: Hmm. Too bad. You could make a nice living.
Mary: Thank you.

Quote from Dick

Mary: The chancellor. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he was avoiding me.
Dick: Why would he be avoiding you? You're the Dean. And you've done an exemplary job.
Mary: You think so?
Dick: Yes. You've done nothing offensive. You haven't caused a single ripple on the pond. No controversial proposals, no expensive cutting-edge teachers, no "innovative" ideas to shake up the status quo. You've been almost invisible.
Mary: Well, I did institute those slanted parking spaces in the faculty lot.
Dick: Yeah, and no one cared. Oh, come on, Mary, you've lasted six months in a job that none thought you could keep and even fewer thought you deserved.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, what a couple of fools we've been, Mary.
Mary: Oh, no, Dick, I was the bigger fool. If I'd just had more confidence in myself, I wouldn't have gotten into this jam.
Dick: No, Mary, I was the bigger fool. If I hadn't been so suspicious of everyone, things would never have gotten this crazy.
Mary: No, Dick, I was the bigger fool. I got caught.
Dick: No, Mary, I was the bigger- No, wait. You were the bigger fool.
Mary: Promise me one thing, Dick. The next time the world gets all topsy-turvy and I start acting crazy again, do me a favor, will you? Slap some sense into me? [Dick slaps Mary] I said next time.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Oh, look at me, Dick. They've stripped me of everything. My office, my title, my dignity. But there's one thing they can't take away from me.
Dick: Your dignity?
Mary: No. I just said they got that. There's one thing they don't got. My old job. I got that. Oh, yeah. I got that.

Quote from Dick

Dick: It's like our brains have minds of their own. Mine became so paranoid. I was completely convinced that Mary was gonna lose her job.
Sally: And did she?
Dick: Yeah. So I guess being paranoid is kind of like being psychic.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Oh, hey, Don. Thanks for bringing my stuff.
Don: No problem. This is always the most awkward part of a breakup.
Sally: What, you mean seeing each other for the first time after it happens?
Don: No, I mean making sure you get your good stuff back.
Sally: Oh, right. Well, here's your box.
Don: Wow.
Sally: Oh, my suede belt.
Don: My bathroom light. I didn't leave this here. It was screwed in over my sink.
Sally: And it was tough to get off, let me tell you.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Think, Mary. Who's having mysterious liaisons with the chancellor?
Mary: Judith.
Dick: And who happened to receive the strangely elusive memo about this morning's meeting?
Mary: Judith.
Dick: And when you got named as Dean, who called you an undeserving ass-kisser behind your back?
Mary: Judith!
Dick: She was among them, yes.
Mary: I can't believe it.
Dick: You better believe it, Mary. There's a stink in the air, and for once, the majority of it is not me.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: See, you got your blackjack table right there, that's the wheel of fortune. Over there, that's the baccarat. See them tables over there? They're for craps. [Sally looks disgusted]

Quote from Dick

Dick: Funny thing. I was thinking about what you and Chancellor Stevens were discussing this morning. You know about the, um, the, uh... What were you talking about again?
Judith: I'm sorry. That was a private conversation.
Dick: Yeah, of course it was. [Judith puts a document away] I- I understand. By the by, Jude - and I call you Jude because we're so close - Mary and I have had a falling out. We're over. And I'd like to get a good plot going against her. Got anything on that?
Judith: Dick, I have a class.
Dick: No, you don't.
Judith: Okay, just leave.
Dick: Tell me what's going on between you and the chancellor and I will never set foot in your office again.
Judith: Fine. You know Chancellor Stevens' annual Badger Day address?
Dick: [chuckles] Oh, that insipid yawn fest?
Judith: I write them for him.
Dick: Last year's was tremendous. You might want to trim about an hour out of it this time. Oh, hey, Jude. Gotta go. I'll see you later.

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