Michael Scott: [bending Luke over the desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the-?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.

Michael Scott: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. [making a copy] This copier is working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael Scott: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sitting down in Pam's chair] See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. Offers good support. It is erkel-nomically correct. It's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No, they sit in big piles of garbage.
Do you think they have copiers? They don't have copiers. They don't even- [standing up] God! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point is this. I have seen the light in terms of what we need and it is nothing.

Michael Scott: So let's see what we can find out from reading. "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim: I think you mean "smug".
Michael Scott: Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to-
Michael Scott: And there's our smudgeness.

Michael Scott: What will happen to that family if I call Wallace and give him this information?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's simple. Wallace would use that information to destroy them.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Could be better.
Michael Scott: Why don't we live and let live?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Live and let live.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm not familiar with that.
Michael Scott: It's a James Bond-
Dwight K. Schrute: It doesn't make any sense. Of course, I'm alive.

Michael Scott: That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens, or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't really make sense. You don't call them collared people. That's offensive.

Michael Scott: How about a toast? Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Jim: Cheers.
Andy: Cheers.
Michael Scott: [drinking wine] Mmm. Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim: What was that?

Michael Scott: Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Mr. Schneider: A good start. And I think it's "busload."
Michael Scott: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. Where'd you find this guy?

Michael Scott: Well, I am taking responsibility. An it's up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but I'm I am a little stitious.

Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just- It's nice to know, at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.

Michael Scott: All right, ready. Come on, guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm, like, are they friends?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's, "Early bird gets the worm."
Michael Scott: Okay.