Michael Scott: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."

Michael Scott: Hi, I'm Michael Scott. And, for the next 40 minutes, I am going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance, one of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals, gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride, "Marriage!"

Michael Scott: There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael Scott: That's- They always give an ultimatum.

Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.

Michael Scott: The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.

Michael Scott: [bending Luke over the desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the-?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.

Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. All the stuff with Kevin is pretty scary. And I'm thinking that next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time-bags. All right? Think about it.
Jim: It's something to think about.

David: [answering the phone] Yes, Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael Scott: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael Scott: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael!
Michael Scott: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.

Michael Scott: You leaked it?
Pam: I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or- I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!
Michael Scott: I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh, God, my mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?

Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.