Beverly: Somebody stole my baby. Well, not real baby, fake baby. It's a toy. Somebody stole my toy! I'm going to get attitude from my son's pretend wife. Can someone call the police? Or Toys 'r Us? I don't [beep] know any more.

Beverly: [beep] me sideways. I have raised some thoughtful children.

Virginia Kremp: Oh please, I've seen Adam doing horseplay when I have specifically requested no horseplay. He's no angel.
Beverly: Oh, he is an angel. He could literally sprout wings and take flight at any moment.

Beverly: Are you crying?
Adam: No.
Beverly: Who hurt you? Tell me and I will hurt them tenfold.

Beverly: I would like the hanger steak, Pittsburgh style, but instead of Barnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes.
Alex: We also don't swap out sauces for actual food.
Beverly: Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. Okay, let's start over. I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives, but extra sour cream on the side. I would like a petit filet, a large petit filet, red peppers and beans and asparagus and creamed spinach and add the horseradish on the side. I'm not, like, starving, so cut the potato in half and put half of it to go. ... And all the mushrooms you have.

Beverly: Murray, no. Our babies can't live in a van. They could get snatched by a kidnapper, who wouldn't need a creepy van because he's being conveniently provided with one.

Barry: I just saved your life.
Erica: What?
Barry: According to the way of the Samurai, you're my servant until the debt is repaid.
Erica: That's not a thing.
Barry: Oh, it is. It's the Bushido code.
Erica: Well, that sounds like complete Bushido.

Beverly: I just- I wanted to tell Barry, uh, [quietly] don't pitch.
Barry: Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"?
Beverly: No, I said "don't pitch."
Barry: What? That's even worse!

Barry: If I hear you say no again, I'm hulking out. We're talking screaming and swearing. I'm gonna smash this decorative box.
Murray: Do not hulk out. Do not smash that decorative box.
Barry: Say goodbye to the decorative box.
Murray: Your mom keeps her knick-knacks in there.
Barry: I'll destroy her knick-knacks too! Hulk doesn't respect knick-knacks..

Beverly: Hi. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Beverly Goldberg.
Mrs. Kim: Yes, of course. You're the mom who I thought worked at the school 'cause she's there so much.
Beverly: I'm involved, yes.