Beverly: I just- I wanted to tell Barry, uh, [quietly] don't pitch.
Barry: Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"?
Beverly: No, I said "don't pitch."
Barry: What? That's even worse!

Beverly: Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor. He said the most likely outcome here is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.
Barry: [gasps] The fish that have teeth? Yes! They're the sharks of the river.
Beverly: Not "piranha," Barry. I'm saying you'll be a laughingstock.

Barry: Lucky, Adam, thank you for joining me. Today, Big Tasty wins the most coveted prize in AM radio.
Adam: You do realize these are virtually impossible to win, right?
Barry: Not when you invented a top-secret formula that guarantees me to be the 100th caller.
Adam: Seriously? How?
Barry: Two words, Math matics.
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Just hit caller 85. So close.
Barry: It's 1.7 seconds per call, so if I multiply the amount of callers by the rate of calls, then I dial them up in exactly-
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Dial right now! Don't wait another second!
Barry: 37 minutes.
Adam: Yeah, that's not right.
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Just hit caller 90.
Adam: You should call right now!
Barry: You dare question my Texas Instruments?! It's from Texas. That's where NASA is, bro!

Coach Mellor: You see that boy right there? That's Ruben Amaro Jr., baseball star, recruited nationally and currently dominating seven of his peers with the sheer power of his rifle arm. And yet his chances of making it to the pros are almost zero.
Ruben Amaro, Jr: Wait, what?
Coach Mellor: If anybody can do it, it's you, Ruben.
Beverly: So if Rubin might not be a Philly, what's the best case for Barry here?
Coach Mellor: Best case? Barry uncorks a wild pitch and blinds a peanut vendor.

Beverly: I don't get it. Murray usually destroys the kids' dreams, but for some reason, this one time, he's on board.
Coach Mellor: Well, unfortunately, your husband is suffering from what we in the athletic community call "sports goggles." "Sports goggles" are when a father gets so swept up by the promise of his son's athleticism, he's unable to see his own child's limitations.
Beverly: Interesting. I have never heard of that.
Coach Mellor: Well, it's not unlike the thick "mom goggles" that you strap on every day that prevents you from seeing the staggering mediocrity of your children.
Beverly: Please. I would never be so blind as to think that Barry could become a Philly. A professional model, sure, or doctor or doctor-model.

Lainey: Actually, I've been working on a little riff.
Erica: Let's hear it.
[Lainey starts playing a riff very similar to Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll"]
Erica: Keep going. I think I got something. [singing] I enjoy rockin' out So put another tape In the boom box, baby

Beverly: Murray, are you sure about this? You know how Barry caves under the slightest pressure.
Murray: I played baseball in high school. Barry's got this.
Beverly: That makes no sense! One thing has nothing to do with the other.
Murray: Every day, my moron kids come in here asking me for money for the dumbest of dreams. Finally, I found one I can get behind.
Beverly: But you don't actually believe that Barry will be scouted onto the Phillies.
Murray: Of course not ... but you never know.
Beverly: So you do think so?
Murray: Not a chance! Unless it happens.
Beverly: Okay, kind of giving me mixed signals here.
Murray: Listen to my words. I know Barry will never play for the Phillies. Although, crazier things have happened.

Erica: I only said that college is the best because you seemed really positive about it.
Lainey: Oh, no. Fashion school was such a mistake. I like buying clothes and the wearing them part, but making my own stuff sucks 'cause I have to do the sewing.
Erica: You know what's worse? I came here to play music, but all they make me do is read these big, boring textbooks about it.
Lainey: You could sue.
Erica: For sure. I'm not a lawyer, but I have a real case here.

Adam: Just stole your stupid baseball pitch.
Barry: You can't, dude. This pitch is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Adam: How?
Barry: 'Cause once the Phillies see my flamethrower, they'll give me a brand-new Mustang as a signing bonus.

Barry: Please, I'll give you anything you want.
Adam: Go on.
Barry: My Sports Illustrated football phone.
Adam: No.
Barry: A Rubik's Cube with all the stickers taken off so you always win.
Adam: No.
Barry: A leaf that looks like a boob.
Adam: Nope.
Barry: This incredibly stretched-out Coke bottle filled with colored sand.
Adam: Nah.
Barry: A limited-edition butt mug.
Adam: Pass.
Barry: Super Madball Touchdown Terror football.
Adam: Unh-unh.
Barry: This awesome drawing I made of a leopard.
Adam: Do better.
Barry: My prized Kathy Ireland poster personally autographed to me.
Adam: You misspelled "Kathy".
Barry: Final offer: Whenever Mom tries to snuggle you in any way, I will act as a human shield to protect.
Adam: Now that I'll take.