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37Quotes from ‘The Opportunity of a Lifetime’

The Goldbergs: The Opportunity of a Lifetime

520. The Opportunity of a Lifetime

Aired May 2, 2018

When Barry dreams of becoming a star baseball player after he gets the opportunity to throw the first pitch at a Phillies game, it's Murray who is insanely optimistic and Beverly who is the realist for once. Meanwhile, Erica and her friends decide to follow their dream of rock and roll stardom. 

Quote from Barry

Beverly: I just I wanted to tell Barry, uh, [quietly] don't pitch.
Barry: Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"?
Beverly: No, I said "don't pitch."
Barry: What? That's even worse!

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Quote from Barry

Beverly: Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor. He said the most likely outcome here is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.
Barry: [gasps] The fish that have teeth? Yes! They're the sharks of the river.
Beverly: Not "piranha," Barry. I'm saying you'll be a laughingstock.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Lucky, Adam, thank you for joining me. Today, Big Tasty wins the most coveted prize in AM radio.
Adam: You do realize these are virtually impossible to win, right?
Barry: Not when you invented a top-secret formula that guarantees me to be the 100th caller.
Adam: Seriously? How?
Barry: Two words, Math matics.
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Just hit caller 85. So close.
Barry: It's 1.7 seconds per call, so if I multiply the amount of callers by the rate of calls, then I dial them up in exactly-
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Dial right now! Don't wait another second!
Barry: 37 minutes.
Adam: Yeah, that's not right.
Radio Announcer: [v.o.] Just hit caller 90.
Adam: You should call right now!
Barry: You dare question my Texas Instruments?! It's from Texas. That's where NASA is, bro!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: You see that boy right there? That's Ruben Amaro Jr., baseball star, recruited nationally and currently dominating seven of his peers with the sheer power of his rifle arm. And yet his chances of making it to the pros are almost zero.
Ruben Amaro, Jr: Wait, what? If anybody can do it, it's you, Ruben.
Beverly: So if Rubin might not be a Philly, what's the best case for Barry here?
Coach Mellor: Best case? Barry uncorks a wild pitch and blinds a peanut vendor.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: I don't get it. Murray usually destroys the kids' dreams, but for some reason, this one time, he's on board.
Coach Mellor: Well, unfortunately, your husband is suffering from what we in the athletic community call "sports goggles." "Sports goggles" are when a father gets so swept up by the promise of his son's athleticism, he's unable to see his own child's limitations.
Beverly: Interesting. I have never heard of that.
Coach Mellor: Well, it's not unlike the thick "mom goggles" that you strap on every day that prevents you from seeing the staggering mediocrity of your children.
Beverly: Please. I would never be so blind as to think that Barry could become a Philly. A professional model, sure, or doctor or doctor-model.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, are you sure about this? You know how Barry caves under the slightest pressure.
Murray: I played baseball in high school. Barry's got this.
Beverly: That makes no sense! One thing has nothing to do with the other.
Murray: Every day, my moron kids come in here asking me for money for the dumbest of dreams. Finally, I found one I can get behind.
Beverly: But you don't actually believe that Barry will be scouted onto the Phillies.
Murray: Of course not ... but you never know.
Beverly: So you do think so?
Murray: Not a chance! Unless it happens.
Beverly: Okay, kind of giving me mixed signals here.
Murray: Listen to my words. I know Barry will never play for the Phillies. Although, crazier things have happened.

Quote from Erica

Erica: I only said that college is the best because you seemed really positive about it.
Lainey: Oh, no. Fashion school was such a mistake. I like buying clothes and the wearing them part, but making my own stuff sucks 'cause I have to do the sewing.
Erica: You know what's worse? I came here to play music, but all they make me do is read these big, boring textbooks about it.
Lainey: You could sue.
Erica: For sure. I'm not a lawyer, but I have a real case here.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Just stole your stupid baseball pitch.
Barry: You can't, dude. This pitch is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Adam: How?
Barry: 'Cause once the Phillies see my flamethrower, they'll give me a brand-new Mustang as a signing bonus.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Please, I'll give you anything you want.
Adam: Go on.
Barry: My Sports Illustrated football phone.
Adam: No.
Barry: A Rubik's Cube with all the stickers taken off so you always win.
Adam: No.
Barry: A leaf that looks like a boob.
Adam: Nope.
Barry: This incredibly stretched-out Coke bottle filled with colored sand.
Adam: Nah.
Barry: A limited-edition butt mug.
Adam: Pass.
Barry: Super Madball Touchdown Terror football.
Adam: Unh-unh.
Barry: This awesome drawing I made of a leopard.
Adam: Do better.
Barry: My prized Kathy Ireland poster personally autographed to me.
Adam: You misspelled "Kathy".
Barry: Final offer: Whenever Mom tries to snuggle you in any way, I will act as a human shield to protect.
Adam: Now that I'll take.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Hey, Mama. Those vanilla-chunk cookies smell amazing.
Beverly: You know what else is an amazing vanilla chunk? You.
Barry: [chuckles] Not on my watch.
Beverly: Barry, no. This neck nuzzle is for Adam.
Barry: Well, you have no choice but to nuzzle my neck instead.
Beverly: Well, that's an unexpected win-win.
Barry: Aah! Don't doubt yourself, Barry. Do it for the Phillies. This is so worth it.
Beverly: [laughs] This really is!

Quote from Erica

Lainey: Actually, I've been working on a little riff.
Erica: Let's hear it.
[Lainey starts playing a riff very similar to Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll"]
Erica: Keep going. I think I got something. [singing] I enjoy rockin' out So put another tape in the boom box, baby

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Oh, God, I see Murray tears.
Murray: [crying] I can't help it!
Barry: No, don't you cry. If you cry, I'll cry.
Murray: I'm just so damn proud. You know what? Talk to your mom. Let me get my bearings.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Wow. This is just so typical of you. Beverly Goldberg, always stepping on her kids' dreams.
Beverly: No, I do the opposite. Everyone knows that. Murray, back me up here.
Murray: I have to side with Bar on this one. You know, if I don't support his talent, then I have failed as a father.
Beverly: No, that's the thing that I say. "I failed as a mother."
Barry: You said it, not me.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: Are you sure it's this far?! Kind of seems like it'd be very taxing on a pitcher's arm!
Beverly: No, that's right. I looked it up in the library.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: This is bad.
Beverly: Yes, it is.
Barry: Whoo! [laughs] When I throw, I feel God's power!
Murray: We can't let him do this.
Beverly: We're [bleep].

Quote from Pops

Adam: Mom, help me out! Don't make me do this opportunity of a lifetime, please.
Murray: So help me, if you don't take this opportunity of a lifetime, I will ground you.
Beverly: Okay, I cannot stand by and let this opportunity of a lifetime tear this family apart.
Adam: Let's just give this godforsaken opportunity of a lifetime back.
Murray: You can't just give it back. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
Pops: Opportunity of a lifetime? I'm intrigued.
Murray: Great. Al will throw out the first pitch at the Phillies' game.
Pops: Oh, God, no. What kind of a fekakte opportunity is this? Barry, you like baseball. Have I got an opportunity of a lifetime for you.

Quote from Pops

Pops: There it is. He lobbed it right in there.
Beverly: He was so good! Oh, he's a natural!
Adam: He didn't even throw from the mound.
Beverly: They're gonna sign him! They're gonna sign my baby!
Pops: Just let her have this. He's a pro all right!


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