TV Quotes

Beverly: Somebody stole my baby. Well, not real baby, fake baby. It's a toy. Somebody stole my toy! I'm going to get attitude from my son's pretend wife. Can someone call the police? Or Toys 'r Us? I don't [beep] know any more.

Beverly: Ssh, baby's sleeping. Just kidding. Her eyes are wide open all the time.

Beverly: Okay, there are some ugly accusations flying about. And if that's not Myrna, then I have failed as a grandmother.

Adam: How about a toast to the world's greatest mom?
Beverly: Somebody call me? No? Okay.

Adam: Well, only the best for my girl, Dana, and our little girl, Ripley.
Dana: Ripley?
Adam: It's a classic girl's name. Also happens to be Sigourney Weaver's bad-ass character in Alien.

Dana: How about one that will make us both happy? Leia?
Adam: Leia DeLorean Goldberg. I love it!

Lainey: God, I'm so sorry, Erica. I totally forgot. Me and Barry decided we were going to stay in and have a romantic evening together.
Barry: I've been holding in a fart this whole time.
Lainey: Aww.

Murray: You never side with your mother over your lady, you moron.

Pops: Pack up your toys and move to another town, the life you've built here is over.

Barry: You can't call her Big E. That's way too close to Big Tasty. It'll cause marketplace confusion.

Adam: No buts, except for yours butting out.

Adam: Wait, don't go. I can't be a single dad.
Beverly: Oh, you'll never be single as long as you've got me, schmoopie.

Adam: Dana Isabelle Caldwell, will you be the mother of my cabbage?

Beverly: Oh. Oh. Oh. Well, I'm gonna go check in on your father. I'm sure he still needs me.

Dana: Read the label.
Beverly: "Lettuce crop child" Oh, that is unfortunate.

Adam: Look, it's not Dana's fault. Please don't fail her. Fail me.
Beverly: No, it's my fault. If you're gonna fail anyone, fail me.
Miss Cinoman: I can't fail you, Mrs. Goldberg. You're an adult. Also, why are you here?
Dana: Yeah, Adam. Why is she here?
Beverly: I'm just trying to help, like any good bubbie would.
Dana: A good bubbie doesn't lose her grandchild.
Beverly: I heard that. Bubbies hear everything.

Beverly: Oh, God, Mur. Butting out is so hard.
Murray: Yeah, but look at him. He's having so much fun.
Beverly: Doesn't that make you happy? Damn it, it does.

Adam: Hey, guys, things have been kinda weird with Dana. Thought I should ask you about it.
Pops: Sure thing, kiddo. Happy to help.
Murray: And I, also, am here.

Adam: But it's like what mom always says. "Happy mom, happy life."
Murray: No! The phrase is "Happy wife, happy life."
Adam: It rhymes! I thought "Happy mom, happy life" was clunky. I'm such a putz.

Dana: So you'll let her know.
Adam: Know what now?
Dana: You know, stay out of it. Set some boundaries.
Adam: Boundaries. Woah. You know my mom, that's a big ask.

Pops: Are you nuts? You never let your mother and your wife hash things out with each other.
Murray: You gotta be the buffer, otherwise it spirals into chaos.

Lainey: Wait, you took them to Anthony Balsamo's party?
Erica: You were too busy running your hands over Barry's lumpy melon.

Beverly: What's that?
Murray: What's what?
Beverly: That little foot sticking out.
Murray: Just Adam's baby. I'm using it for lumbar support.

Beverly: Did they entrust the baby to you over me? Over me?
Ow! Ow!