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51Quotes from ‘Dinner with the Goldbergs’

The Goldbergs: Dinner with the Goldbergs

512. Dinner with the Goldbergs

Aired January 10, 2018

Geoff has no idea what he's got himself into when he invites the Goldbergs to a surprise dinner for Erica's birthday.

Quote from Beverly

Alex: Okay, ma'am?
Beverly: Okay, write this down very carefully. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. I would like the vegetable medley, but instead of asparagus, I would like six pieces of shrimp.
Alex: We don't substitute shrimp for vegetables.
Beverly: Oh. That changes everything.

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I would like the hanger steak, Pittsburgh style, but instead of Barnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes.
Alex: We also don't swap out sauces for actual food.
Beverly: Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. Okay, let's start over. I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives, but extra sour cream on the side. I would like a petit filet, a large petit filet, red peppers and beans and asparagus and creamed spinach and add the horseradish on the side. I'm not, like, starving, so cut the potato in half and put half of it to go. ... And all the mushrooms you have.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was now decision-making time. And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.
Murray: Okay, it's time for Murray's menu rules. Remember, no prime cuts, no fancy sides, no out-of-season vegetables, no market price, no salad bar, no items in French, no dry-aged anything, and, most importantly...
All: No appetizers of any kind, 'cause that's how they screw ya.
Geoff: Does that include a nice soup?
Murray: Are you for real? Is he for real? You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal? How many meals do you need?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hi, can you grab our menus? We're ready to sit.
Kelly: I'm sorry. There's a few parties ahead of you.
Murray: I'm hungry, Bevy. What's the girl saying?
Beverly: The girl's saying there's people ahead of us, but I'm just gonna nudge her until she gives in.
Kelly: It'll just be a few more minutes, ma'am.
Beverly: What do you mean "a few more minutes"? That table just sat down and they arrived five minutes after us.
Kelly: Ma'am, I understand, but there was a two-top ready.
Beverly: So just because I decide to build a life around my family, I'm suddenly to blame?

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, the Goldbergs officially broke the sweetest boyfriend in the world.
Beverly: Waiter, over here.
Geoff: No! This has never been our waiter! Look at his face! He's an entirely different person!
Erica: Geoff, you're making a scene.
Geoff: Oh, right, because the last thing we want is some unwanted, negative attention! This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments. I'm talking Beefsteak Charlie's, China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's.
Barry: I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi.
Geoff: Oh, my God. At a steak place, you get steak. And at a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you.
Adam: Burn! He got you good.
Geoff: And you, you know, despite your age, you still look like and sound like a tiny boy, so just order accordingly.
Beverly: He's right. You barely touched that steak.
Geoff: And you. You turned your purse into a mini-fridge. You took an hour to order, then stole food from that table, and then sent it back.
Pops: Hey, we're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace!
Geoff: And you! That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together. Leave them alone!
Murray: What's Captain Soup going on about?
Geoff: And you, with your menu rules and your communal soda and you're forcing me to just eat soup? You think I didn't want steak?! I chose this place! I love their meats and their sides, and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now? You know, you really are ruining our good people's name, and you know what I'm talking about.

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My grandfather also had his own way of ordering, befriending anyone within a 10-table radius.
Pops: Excuse me. What's that golden hunk of meat you're enjoying there?
Woman: It's a pork chop.
Pops: Is it good?
Woman: Very.
Pops: I'm not in the mood for trafe. What about your handsome friend? What are you working with? Is that some kind of pilaf?
Man: It's wild rice.
Pops: You go, Adam. I got a feeling these people have a story to tell.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Bevy, this isn't good. I'm getting shaky hungry. If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna have to lie down.
Beverly: I'll get you a roll, Murray.
Barry: Ma! Dad's lying on people again.
Beverly: All right, either get us a table or give this man a hot buttered roll.
Murray: No pumpernickel.
Adam: He says, "No pumpernickel."
Beverly: For the love of God, no pumpernickel!

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Next, Barry would have his traditional middle-child meltdown over the struggles of being left-handed.
Barry: Damn it, Geoff, stop!
Geoff: What?
Barry: You're mashing your dominant hand into mine. [knife clatters] I can't eat like this.
Erica: Ignore him. Barry just acts like a big baby because he's a lefty.
Barry: You don't know the pain of the southpaw. I feel like a left-handed prisoner of war.

Quote from Barry

Alex: And what can I get you?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then there was Barry. Without fail, he'd always order the wrong thing.
Barry: You know what? I think I'm gonna have a nice piece of fish.
Beverly: No, stop right there. This is Beefsteak Charlie's. Steak is in the name. That means no fish.
Barry: How is your steamed trout?
Alex: It's not great.
Barry: Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me.
Erica: Dude, no. Don't do this.
Barry: Well, since you've all been such jerks, I won't be sharing my delicious trout with any of you.

Quote from Murray

Alex: Many apologies, sir. We'll rush out another order.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that?
Marc: To throw it out?
Murray: No, that's a waste. Pack it up. We'll take it to go.
Marc: You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours?
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag. Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] We finally began our meal, and it tasted damn fine. But fine was not good enough for my yenta mom, who always did this.
Beverly: Excuse me, waiter. My fries are ice cold.
Marc: Hi, I kind of switched with Alex, 'cause you keep ordering from him.
Beverly: Feel them. Ice cold.
Murray: Also, I ordered the T-bone a little pink inside, but it's way overdone.
Marc: I'll fix both of yours right away.
Beverly: Geoff, uh, didn't you order a bowl of soup? That's a cup.
Geoff: No, I'm fine. Totally fine.
Marc: It's not a problem. I'll take it back and make sure it's right.
Adam: If things are getting sent back, maybe I should get the petit filet instead of this Longhorn Gutbuster.
Barry: Also, please take back this stinky fish.
Beverly: Oh, no. You got the fish, you keep the fish.
Barry: You all get to send back for new meat and I'm stuck with this old, soggy trout?

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Every meal with the Goldbergs began the same. First, my dad would ravenously attack the bread basket, followed by this classic Mom response.
Beverly: No, Murray, no. One roll for you only. The same goes for the rest of you. I will not have you filling up on bread.
Geoff: What's with your mom and the rolls?
Beverly: Her worst fear in life is that we'll fill up on bread, but she also can't let anything go to waste, so that's where her food purse comes in.
Geoff: Food what now?
Erica: It's a bottomless purse lined with foil.

Quote from Adam

Marc: Here you go, buckaroo. And here's a cup with a lid.
Adam: Thanks. I know it's an octopus, but I'm gonna connect the dots anyway.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Waiter, we're ready to order.
Alex: Gotcha. I mean I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll just take it.
Beverly: Great. My husband here will have-
Murray: Bap, bap, bap! What's with you always ordering for me?
Beverly: I know what you like.
Murray: And I don't? I'll order my own damn meal, thank you. I'll have the, uh...
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Whenever it came time to order, my dad had this crazy glitch where he would immediately forget what he liked or wanted.
Murray: Ah, come back to me.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Oh, I almost forgot. It's our daughter, Erica's, birthday today, and I believe that means we get a free piece of cake.
Alex: Absolutely.
Erica: Dad, stop!
Murray: And, by the way, it's his birthday, too.
Geoff: Me?!
Murray: They're twins. They'll have two free, big pieces of cake.
Alex: Well, happy birthday to both of you.
Erica: I'm sorry.
Geoff: Baby, it's fine. Ow!
Murray: Hands off. You're twins.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After we ordered dinner came the hardest part of the meal for my impatient family, waiting.
Beverly: I cannot believe our food isn't here. Must be some kind of a mistake. Excuse me. I can't see our waiter anywhere.
Marc: No, that's me. I'm your waiter. Remember? Marc?
Beverly: All the tables that ordered after us already got their food. First, we ordered, then that table, then them and them...
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Like all smothers, my mom watched each table order like a hawk, so she knew when it was our turn to get served.
Beverly: -then them, then them, and then that big group over there with my dad.
Pops: They have names, Bevy. This is Doug and Fran and then Lee-Ann and little Bobby.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: That waiter just gave them our food by mistake.
Barry: Those bastards.
Beverly: We got to get our food.
Geoff: Wait, like, go take it from them?
Barry: I want my fish!
Murray: I'm getting shaky hungry. I can't wait. I got to eat the rolls.
Beverly: Don't touch the rolls. Geoff, Barry, let's go.
Geoff: Really? Get the food from those poor people?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Okay, you may not believe what happened next, but this is all true. This happened!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Waiter, excuse me. My boy never got his river fish.
Alex: I am not your waiter. And where did this come from?
Father: They took it from our table.
Alex: Ma'am, this is not your food!
Geoff: Oh, no, did we just touch and steal food from those nice people?
Marc: Okay, here we go, everybody- Oh, boy.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that's when our dinner really did arrive.
Beverly: Uh, hi, hello. Over here. [chuckles nervously] So sorry about the mix-up. You can just come and take your food back.
Father: No, you poked it.
Beverly: Well, it was just a little poke.
Geoff: I didn't poke anything.
Barry: But I did. I jammed my thumb in there like a champ.

Quote from Murray

Erica: We're having a moment, Dad.
Murray: I need to have a moment with Soupy Sales, if you don't mind. Don't worry, I'll be very nice, I promise.
Geoff: Look, before you say anything, just let me apologize for, you know, grabbing you and yelling at you and suggesting that you're a thief.
Murray: What are you apologizing for? That's what happens at all our dinners.
Geoff: So, you're not mad, even about the soup?
Murray: Next time, you can have soup and an entree.
Geoff: Wow. That's- Really?
Murray: Just don't tell the others.

Quote from Beverly

Marc: Here we are, folks.
Beverly: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a nudge, but this table is garbage. I mean, look, it's right next to the kitchen.
Marc: No worries. Right this way.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so this embarrassing display always happened.
Beverly: Brrr, this one's right under the air-conditioner. We want dinner, not pneumonia. I-I can't eat here. There's an echo. Do you hear it? We can't do a booth. My husband has a bad back. He's got to sit in a chair like a human being. This is way too close to the bathroom. It has a wobble. Hello? Ah. There's an echo. This just has a bad vibe.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Oh, hi. We need some more rolls.
Alex: Oh, I'm not your waiter, but I'll tell him.
Murray: Wait! It says "free refills." I'll have a Sprite.
Alex: Oh, again, I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll let him know.
Murray: Whoo-hoo! This family now has a bottomless soda. We're beating the system.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray, it's a special night. Let the kids order whatever they want.
Adam: Yes! I'm gonna get the porterhouse!
Beverly: Everyone but you. Excuse me, waiter? Yoo-hoo! Can we have a children's menu for my baby?
Alex: Oh, again, I'm not your waiter, but, uh, I'll let him know.
Adam: Mom, that menu is specifically for kids 8 and under. I'm in high school now. No one's gonna buy this act anymore.
Murray: Hey, moron, I'm not paying for you to get a steak and eat three bites.
Beverly: Daddy's right. You may be a big boy, but you've still got a little-boy belly.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: And they're gone.
Erica: At least until they realize they left Pops inside.
Geoff: Wait, he's still in there talking to that couple that just got engaged?
Erica: For sure. So, do you want to go get actual food now?
Geoff: Yeah. All I had was soup, and Barry stole half of it.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Geoff, you being here is the perfect gift, really.
Geoff: But you know what's an even better gift than just the two of us celebrating your birthday?
All: Surprise!
Barry: Wait, it's your birthday? You all told me we were coming here so I could be scouted by the Washington Bullets.
Erica: Oh, my God! You invited my whole family! To dinner. In public. Why? How?!
Adam: We all drove down together.
Pops: Murray made me pump gas.
Murray: Nobody rides for free.
Erica: Do you mind giving me a sec with my special guy so that I can thank him properly?

Quote from Murray

Murray: I'm starving, Bevy.
Beverly: Here's the thing, my husband's blood sugar is in free fall. We're on borrowed time.
Murray: Bevy, I'm starving!
Beverly: Hear that? He's starving.

Quote from Erica

Erica: How could you? My family, Geoff, my family?
Geoff: Um, yeah? Am I missing something here? It's just dinner.
Erica: At a restaurant? It's the worst humiliation known to man. Their most terrible qualities are magnified by a thousand. You don't even understand the events that you've set into motion. Leave right now, or this relationship is over.
Geoff: You're gonna break up with me over a dinner at Beefsteak Charlie's?
Erica: No! You're gonna break up with me. You're never gonna want to stay after the horrors you see tonight.

Quote from Murray

Barry: Geoff, switch with me.
Murray: Enough. You're sitting where you're sitting. Ooh, it's a cheddar biscuit.
Beverly: No, Murray, no!

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with Barry's stubborn defiance came my chance to stage my own revolt.
Adam: Done! I was right. It's an octopus with a lasso, but my childhood ends here. Garcon, bring me the biggest steak you've got.
Beverly: No, Adam, no! Your tummy can't handle that big-boy food. It'll destroy your insides and tushie.
Adam: I'm taking a stand. I'm a grown-ass man. And I demand my big, honkin' meats.
Murray: Fine, but if you don't finish it, so help me God!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Okay, you know what? I will just go. I will have the rib eye and a side of cornbread. Geoff, order.
Geoff: [quietly] Um... Just, um, some soup.
Alex: I'm sorry. What's that?
Geoff: Soup.
Alex: I can't make out what you're saying.
Geoff: Soup?
Alex: A-Are you saying "snook"?
Erica: Soup. He'll have the soup, French onion, a bowl, not a cup. [to Murray] Deal with it.
Murray: Are you trying to ruin the entire night?
Alex: And, uh, what else can I get for you?
Geoff: No, that's it. Just the soup.

Quote from Murray

Alex: You, sir, you look like you're ready to order.
Murray: Please come back to me.
Erica: There's no one left! Just pick your meat already!
Alex: Why don't I just come back in a few minutes and-
Beverly: No, we're too far in. He'll have the T-bone, a little pink inside.
Murray: Oh, yeah. That is what I like.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: Oh, I'm getting shaky hungry. I'm gonna have some rolls.
Beverly: No, Murray, no! Do not touch the rolls.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, wait. Finally. Here it comes.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] At long last, our piping-hot dinner was on its way to my family and we would feast upon Beefsteak Charlie's finest meats.
Beverly: And still not our order. What in the actual [bleep]?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Psst, I'll trade you this fish for anything you've got.
Adam: Dude, if I don't eat this whole giant steak, Mom's never gonna let me order off the adult menu again.
Beverly: What's going on with you? Is your little tummy full already?
Adam: Nope! Barry's just mad 'cause I'm gonna finish this all on my own.
Beverly: I told you not to get that fish!
Barry: Geoff, I'm your best friend. Pour half of your soup into my glass.
Beverly: Geoff, do not.
Barry: I'm so hungry, please!
Beverly: He knew better than to order trout at a steakhouse. Don't support his bad judgement.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Do me a favor. Uh, wrap that up. We'll take it.
Marc: You want me to wrap up the food you don't like?
Murray: What is it with this restaurant and wasting food? We'll also have a refill on the soda.
Beverly: And more rolls and straws and Sweet'N Low and more rolls.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Um, is your father okay?
Barry: Ah, he's fine. This is just what he does when he gets in the zone.
Geoff: But he's choking.
Barry: Eh, He'll power through it.
Geoff: Doesn't seem like he will.
Adam: Trust us, there's plenty of air going around the meat.
Geoff: There's no air! Look at him! This is a full-on, real choke.
Barry: No, look. He's trying to put mushrooms on his fork right now.
Geoff: Why is he doing that? Why does he continue to feed? The man is dying.
Beverly: What's with all the hubbub?
Geoff: I can't just sit here and let him choke like this.
Erica: Against my better judgement, I'm letting you know that this is the happiest my dad gets.
Geoff: Don't worry, Mr. G. I'm a lifeguard at the JCC. Arms up, find the sternum.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Well, it's a good thing I travel with my calculator because we are being aggressively overcharged.
Murray: Okay, the cake is free. Double-check there's no cake on there.
Erica: I'm gonna go outside.
Beverly: Waiter, it says we're being charged for a larger steak when my son switched to the petit.
Murray: And don't forget one soda. Make sure.
Beverly: Also, you said you'd take off for the icy cold fries.
Murray: Zero cake, one soda, triple-check.
Beverly: Murray, you're just slowing me down.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: Hey. Look, I don't need to hear "I told you so." I just wanted to be closer to your family, but I made a mess of everything.
Erica: No, you didn't. Look, I have to admit something. I love you, but I never thought that we could go the distance because I didn't think you could handle my family. But, man, the way you stood up to them was awesome. You're one of us, Geoff.
Geoff: You think?
Erica: I know.
Murray: Bap-bap! Remember, you guys are twins. Keep the lie up until I get my credit card back.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Breakfast is served.
Pops: The only thing better than eating out is leftovers the next day.
Beverly: Steak and eggs for you, steak and eggs for you. And for Barry, a fishy scramble made from last night's half-eaten trout.
Barry: What?! That thing should have never left the restaurant!
Beverly: And let it go to waste? Oh, no, mister. You eat that fishy scramble.
Barry: I don't want the fishy scramble.
Beverly: You eat that fishy scramble right now.
Barry: [groans] Mmm, wow. This fishy scramble is yummy. Want to get in on this, Adam?
Adam: I'm good.
Barry: How about you, old man? It's like fish scramble heaven over here.
Pops: Please take that plate away from me.
Beverly: Eat it!

Quote from Adam

Adam: I'll have the Li'l Wrangler dog and applesauce.
Alex: Sorry, children's menu is 8 and under.
Beverly: He is 8 and under.
Adam: Yes, I'm this much.
Alex: All right, Wrangler dog it is.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, no salad bar. That counts as an appetizer.


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