Beverly: I would like the hanger steak, Pittsburgh style, but instead of Barnaise sauce, I would like crab cakes.
Alex: We also don't swap out sauces for actual food.
Beverly: Okay, got a whole lot of rules that don't make any sense. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. Okay, let's start over. I would like a baked potato with sour cream and chives, but extra sour cream on the side. I would like a petit filet, a large petit filet, red peppers and beans and asparagus and creamed spinach and add the horseradish on the side. I'm not, like, starving, so cut the potato in half and put half of it to go. ... And all the mushrooms you have.

Alex: Okay, ma'am?
Beverly: Okay, write this down very carefully. I would like the sirloin, medium-plus, with garlic butter sauce on the side. I would like the vegetable medley, but instead of asparagus, I would like six pieces of shrimp.
Alex: We don't substitute shrimp for vegetables.
Beverly: Oh. That changes everything.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, the Goldbergs officially broke the sweetest boyfriend in the world.
Beverly: Waiter, over here.
Geoff: No! This has never been our waiter! Look at his face! He's an entirely different person!
Erica: Geoff, you're making a scene.
Geoff: Oh, right, because the last thing we want is some unwanted, negative attention! This family should be barred from any and all dining establishments. I'm talking Beefsteak Charlie's, China Garden, Applebee's, even Tony Roma's.
Barry: I hear they make a top-notch shrimp scampi.
Geoff: Oh, my God. At a steak place, you get steak. And at a place for ribs, you eat ribs with your dominant hand without complaining that the world is prejudiced against you.
Adam: Burn! He got you good.
Geoff: And you, you know, despite your age, you still look like and sound like a tiny boy, so just order accordingly.
Beverly: He's right. You barely touched that steak.
Geoff: And you. You turned your purse into a mini-fridge. You took an hour to order, then stole food from that table, and then sent it back.
Pops: Hey, we're trying to enjoy Devon's graduation dinner in peace!
Geoff: And you! That's just a nice family trying to have a special meal together. Leave them alone!
Murray: What's Captain Soup going on about?
Geoff: And you, with your menu rules and your communal soda and your forcing me to just eat soup? You think I didn't want steak?! I chose this place! I love their meats and their sides, and why do you keep eating through everything I'm saying right now? You know, you really are ruining our good people's name, and you know what I'm talking about.

Beverly: Hi, can you grab our menus? We're ready to sit.
Kelly: I'm sorry. There's a few parties ahead of you.
Murray: I'm hungry, Bevy. What's the girl saying?
Beverly: The girl's saying there's people ahead of us, but I'm just gonna nudge her until she gives in.
Kelly: It'll just be a few more minutes, ma'am.
Beverly: What do you mean "a few more minutes"? That table just sat down and they arrived five minutes after us.
Kelly: Ma'am, I understand, but there was a two-top ready.
Beverly: So just because I decide to build a life around my family, I'm suddenly to blame?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was now decision-making time. And for my dad, the only choice was how to save money.
Murray: Okay, it's time for Murray's menu rules. Remember, no prime cuts, no fancy sides, no out-of-season vegetables, no market price, no salad bar, no items in French, no dry-aged anything, and, most importantly...
All: No appetizers of any kind, 'cause that's how they screw ya.
Geoff: Does that include a nice soup?
Murray: Are you for real? Is he for real? You're gonna eat a little meal before you eat a big meal? How many meals do you need?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Next, Barry would have his traditional middle-child meltdown over the struggles of being left-handed.
Barry: Damn it, Geoff, stop!
Geoff: What?
Barry: You're mashing your dominant hand into mine. [knife clatters] I can't eat like this.
Erica: Ignore him. Barry just acts like a big baby because he's a lefty.
Barry: You don't know the pain of the southpaw. I feel like a left-handed prisoner of war.

Murray: Bevy, this isn't good. I'm getting shaky hungry. If I don't eat soon, I'm gonna have to lie down.
Beverly: I'll get you a roll, Murray.
Barry: Ma! Dad's lying on people again.
Beverly: All right, either get us a table or give this man a hot buttered roll.
Murray: No pumpernickel.
Adam: He says, "No pumpernickel."
Beverly: For the love of God, no pumpernickel!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My grandfather also had his own way of ordering, befriending anyone within a 10-table radius.
Pops: Excuse me. What's that golden hunk of meat you're enjoying there?
Woman: It's a pork chop.
Pops: Is it good?
Woman: Very.
Pops: I'm not in the mood for trafe. What about your handsome friend? What are you working with? Is that some kind of pilaf?
Man: It's wild rice.
Pops: You go, Adam. I got a feeling these people have a story to tell.

Alex: And what can I get you?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then there was Barry. Without fail, he'd always order the wrong thing.
Barry: You know what? I think I'm gonna have a nice piece of fish.
Beverly: No, stop right there. This is Beefsteak Charlie's. Steak is in the name. That means no fish.
Barry: How is your steamed trout?
Alex: It's not great.
Barry: Heard ya loud and clear. Trout me.
Erica: Dude, no. Don't do this.
Barry: Well, since you've all been such jerks, I won't be sharing my delicious trout with any of you.

Alex: Many apologies, sir. We'll rush out another order.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going with that?
Marc: To throw it out?
Murray: No, that's a waste. Pack it up. We'll take it to go.
Marc: You want to take home the meal that wasn't yours?
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're gonna throw it in a big garbage bag. Why don't you put it in a little doggie bag? We'll take it.