Adam: Mom, you left the car running and the door open.
Beverly: I'm not going anywhere until these ugly-ass snickerdoodles are out of my face.
Principal Ball: Whoa! Mrs. Goldberg, these are the new freshman moms. It's time to pass the torch.
Beverly: Or I take that torch and I burn this school to the ground.
Principal Ball: Beverly, Adam is a senior now, and with no other offspring at William Penn, that means, hallelujah, your time is up.
Beverly: Fine, these frumpy cows can handle the bake sale. I'll just, uh, organize the blood drive again.
Principal Ball: Well, we're going with licensed nurses this year. I never want to have to write the words "missing blood" on an insurance form again.
Beverly: Then I'll grab a yellow vest and be the crossing guard.
Principal Ball: I fear that the parents and faculty would be too tempted to run you over.
Adam: And don't forget all the kids who can drive.

Beverly: Then what about librarian?
Principal Ball: Nope.
Beverly: Security guard?
Principal Ball: Nuh-unh.
Beverly: Lunch lady?
Principal Ball: We have Doris.
Beverly: Brunch lady?
Principal Ball: Not a thing.
Beverly: Janitor?
Principal Ball: Also Doris.

Beverly: Oh, I know, I'll be a substitute teacher again.
Principal Ball: I'm sorry, but all of our teaching positions have been filled! Ha-ha! Boom shakalaka-laka! Boom shaka...
Mrs. Ferguson: Principal Ball? It's happening. I'm having my baby.
Principal Ball: No. No! No, no! This is terrible timing, Mrs. Ferguson! No!
Beverly: When do I start?
Principal Ball: Damn it, I prematurely boom shakalaka'd.
Beverly: Yay! You want me! You really want me!
Adam: No! Don't let her in the building, man!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While our dad was being conquered, my senior year was about to be invaded by another hostile force.
Beverly: Good morning, class. My name is Mrs. Goldberg. And while Mrs. Ferguson is at home nursing her new baby... and I saw a picture, he's a chunker... you all will be nursing at my bosom of knowledge.
Brian: You have Corbett's attention!
Beverly: Great. So, where did Mrs. Ferguson leave off?
Dave Kim: We were watching the last 20 minutes of Splash.
Beverly: Why would she show you a mermaid movie?
Adam: Mom, it's senior year. Nothing we do affects getting into college anymore. It's classic senioritis.
Beverly: Senioritis? I want to infect you with a new disease called learn-a-rhea.
JC Spink: Learn-a-rhea? My brother got that on spring break. It was no bueno.
Sydney: And senioritis is a high school tradition, just like Senior Skip Day this Tuesday.
Beverly: Senior Skip Day? Oh, hell, no!

Mr. Woodburn: No way, José. This lounge is for teachers only.
Beverly: I am a teacher, but the time for lounging is no more. Mrs. Ferguson has been showing Splash!
Mr. Woodburn: That is unacceptable.
Beverly: I know!
Mr. Woodburn: I was gonna show Splash.
Beverly: What's that, now?
Mr. Woodburn: I guess I could go with Road House.
Ms. Rodriguez: Unh-unh, I called Road House. I teach Spanish, and there's nothing more caliente than a shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Mr. Woodburn: Well, I teach chemistry, and what Swayze and Kelly Lynch have can't be found in any textbook.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Principal Ball had tried to reduce my mom's role at school. Instead, he gave her unlimited power.
[montage:]
Beverly: Hands were intended for prayer, not pockets.
Beverly: Short pantaloons must be one egg above the knee. Go change.
Beverly: Friend Dave Kim, might I suggest an activity better for your body and character, such as a game of Toad in the Middle, Buttons, Buttons, Buttons, or Please, Mr. Crocodile?
Dave Kim: Those all seem really dated.
Beverly: Well, look who thinks he's better than a boy who lived in 1675. [bell rings] Get thee to class!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom was drunk with Quaker Warden power.

Brea: I love lasagna. Adam, what did you get? Is that a charred baseball glove?
Dave Kim: That was left on a desert highway where it was pummeled by a convoy?
Adam: I get it! My lasagna doesn't look like yours.
Barry: Mmm! Beefy goodness.
Erica: Golden perfection.
Adam: Good for you! And why are you guys even here?
Barry: I don't have class on Tuesdays, so I come here for Jenkintown's best kept secret: high school lasagna.
Erica: I do have class on Tuesdays, but for the first time ever, Barry is correct.
Beverly: What the hell's this?
Brea: Adam, why is most of your family here?
Beverly: I am the Quaker Warden. It's a ceremonial position with unlimited power. For example, my fully grown children are able to come here and eat whatever they want.

Beverly: I have failed you. You are a sweet, kind, patient boy, and I have no one but myself to blame.
Adam: What are you saying?
Pops: I think your mom's implying you're a doormat.
Beverly: Ding-ding-ding! After your sad lasagna incident, I realized I'm not always gonna be there to fight your fights for you. There's gonna be hours, sometimes entire afternoons where you're all alone.
Adam: We have very different visions of my future.

Beverly: Now to crank up the difficulty, Erica has cut in front of you.
Adam: I thought the place was closed.
Erica: Come any closer, and I'll mace you, perv!
Adam: I was just standing here!
Barry: Hey! Local deviant. Are you bothering this nice lady? Spokes' Pool Tables and Bikes might be closed, but I'm open to kicking your butt.
Adam: You sell pool tables now, too?
Beverly: Excuse me. Are you the owner of that AMC Pacer out front?
Adam: Oh, please say I'm not.
Beverly: You are. I'm attractive local meter maid Isabella Bianco, and I'm gonna haul that pile of junk to the impound lot if you don't pay my bribe, a thousand kissies. [makes kissing noises]
Adam: The Italian meter maid wants to nuzzle me? Am I the only one losing the thread?

Beverly: Poopy, what's wrong? You're all flustered and worked up. [gasps] Wait. Is this a prom-posal? Are we going? Is this happening?
Adam: What? Never!
Beverly: Your loss. You'll never see the dress I picked out that matches your eyes.
Adam: Enough!