Previous Episode Next Episode 
Stolen Car

‘Stolen Car’

Season 1, Episode 14 -  Aired January 24, 1999

Red takes Eric's car keys after noticing a small scratch on the Vista Cruiser. Meanwhile, Jackie dreams about her first time with Kelso, and Midge attends a women's empowerment class.

Quote from Eric

Eric: Well, uh... Sir, I was pulling out of this parking space. Well, creeping is more like it. I was creeping-
Red: You were screwing around, backed into a hydrant. I can see the paint marks.
Eric: No! And by "no," I mean "exactly." Yeah, but it wasn't my fault, sir. Kelso was giving me a-
Red: A what?
Eric: Kelso was giving me a purple nurple. It's when you grab somebody's nipple through their shirt and twist it really hard until it becomes purple.
Red: Give me the keys.
Eric: Dad, I-
Red: Your driving privileges are suspended until you learn some responsibility.
Eric: Dad, I'm very responsible.
Red: No. No, you're not. Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.


Quote from Kitty

Kitty: What are we looking at?
Red: That scratch.
Kitty: What scratch?
Red: The scratch that Eric put in the car. I got most of it out with rubbing compound but you should have seen it before. It was a doozy.
Kitty: Well, that must have been quite an accident. Was he killed?
Red: See, that's where his smart mouth comes from. Driver safety is serious business, Kitty.
Kitty: Well, you're right, Red. We should teach him a lesson. So when he comes home, I'll hold him down and you burn him with a cigarette.

Quote from Red

Red: Look at this. Here we are sitting down to dinner and Eric's not even home yet.
Kitty: Well, Honey, you took away his car. He has to walk everywhere.
Red: Walking is good for him.
Kitty: Red, why do you have to be so hard on him?
Red: Same reason my old man was hard on me. To prepare me for the world. You know, Kitty, when I was his age I could have parachuted onto a deserted island with nothing but a Swiss army knife, and I would've survived.
Kitty: Well, okay, then we've learned something. No skydiving for Eric.
Red: I'll tell you, Kitty, the world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second and it'll kick you right in the ass.
Kitty: Well, you're right. Red, the world is hard. So wouldn't it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn't?
Red: All right, Kitty, when you win the lottery... you can buy him Disneyland.

Quote from Kelso

Hyde: Forman, man. It's a tiny, little scratch. And Red's never gonna see it.
Eric: No, Red sees everything. He sees when I put cheap gas in the car.
Kelso: I got it. We'll put my "Gas, grass, or ass" bumper sticker over it.

Quote from Midge

Midge: Bob doesn't want me to take this class, but it sounds so exciting. It's all about female empowerment. It's called, "The Woman Warrior: 'Fighting Female Stereotypes.'" That's the professor. Isn't he cute?

Quote from Kitty

Midge: So you want to come?
Kitty: Well, um, I can't say I'm not tempted. Yes, I can. I'm not tempted.
Midge: Don't you want to become an empowered woman?
Kitty: Well, you know, I just I don't have time to be an empowered woman. I'm too busy running this household.
Midge: You're so lucky, Kitty. You have it all. A great family and a great career. How did you talk Red into letting you work?
Kitty: Okay, well, one day we sat down, we did all our bills and we realized we were going to lose the house. [laughs]

Quote from Donna

Donna: Oh, my God. "Hair Do's and Don'ts of Olympic Gold Medalists."
Jackie: Oh, my God, is that Dorothy Hamill? She's a virgin.
Donna: Speaking of, um... You know, those girls at school who do it, like, all the time?
Jackie: Yeah.
Donna: All right, is it just me, or do they seem more relaxed? [the guys walk in]
Donna & Jackie: Hi.
Eric: What are you guys doing?
Fez: They are talking about sex.
Hyde: Come on, Fez, chicks don't talk about sex, man. It's dirty.
Jackie: Yes, we do. Especially when it involves Michael Kelso, my dreamboat.
Hyde: Oh, great. Now we have to talk about Jackie and Kelso's sex life. This is my worst nightmare.
Donna: All right, you know what? Before you guys got here Jackie and I were actually having a pretty good time. I know. I was surprised, too.

Quote from Hyde

Hyde: So what do you guys wanna do?
Eric: We could walk to The Hub.
Hyde: Too far.
Eric: We could walk to-
Hyde: Too far.

Quote from Fez

Eric: Man, this sucks. I just can't believe that Red took away my car because of one stupid little scratch.
Hyde: I know, man. Who would think Red would overreact?
Fez: I did. I have noticed Red is a real hard-ass. One toe over the line, sweet Jesus, you are clobbered. You know what I'm saying?

Quote from Bob

Midge: Snookums?
Bob: Yes, Pookie?
Midge: Do you want turkey or tuna sandwiches tonight for dinner?
Bob: Tonight? Tonight's meatloaf night.
Midge: Right, but I have my class at the community college in Kenosha tonight. I told you about it last week.
Bob: You most certainly did not.
Midge: Yes, I did, remember? You were watching Baretta.
Bob: Oh, Midge, you can't tell me anything while I'm watching Baretta. It's complicated.

Page 2