Next Episode 
That '70s Pilot

‘That '70s Pilot’

Season 1, Episode 1 -  Aired August 23, 1998

After Red gives Eric the keys to the old Vista Cruiser, Eric and his friends travel out of town to see a Todd Rundgren concert.

Quote from Hyde

Hyde: So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?
Kelso: [chuckles] Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money 'cause the cruiser's a boat.
Eric: I know it's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites.
Fez: Who is getting a boat?
Hyde: There is no gas shortage, man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like, there's this guy who invented this car that runs on water, man. It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine, and it runs on water.
Fez: So it is a boat.
Hyde: No, it's a car. Only, you put water in the gas tank instead of gas. [chuckles] And it runs on water, man.
Kelso: [laughs hysterically] I never heard of this car. Hey, Jackie's good for gas money.
Eric: You are such a whore.
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?


Quote from Red

Red: What the hell happened to Bob's hair?
Eric: Beats me.
Red: His head looks like a poodle's ass. Boy, just when you think you've seen everything.
Eric: A poodle's ass walks into your party.
Red: Eric, don't use the "ass" word. You're still in high school.
Eric: Yes, sir.

Quote from Red

Midge: Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?
Bob: Red, a Toyota?
Red: Yeah, it's mine. I tell you, the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine it was shooting at me.

Quote from Jackie

Kelso: Also, I didn't think you'd be interested in Todd Rundgren. I mean, like you said, he's no Frampton.
Jackie: I love Todd Runddamen. I have the .45 of Hello, It's Me. Remember the night we listened to it? We can have fun at the concert, too. Especially in the car on the way back.
Kelso: Okay. You can go.
Jackie: Only if you want me to.
Kelso: Oh, I want you to. [Jackie giggles as Kelso goes to kiss her]
Eric: Jackie, I guess you're going to the concert with us.
Jackie: Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm. I can't wait. So, Michael, you wanna go back to my house and listen to Todd Grunion records?

Quote from Bob

Bob: [chuckles] You kids. Standing around the driveway. It's so darn cute. You know, you may not realize it but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.
Eric: So it's all downhill from here, sir?
Bob: Yeah.

Quote from Fez

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English. But she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Quote from Kitty

[The wall behind Red and Kitty sways in Eric's P.O.V.:]
Eric: Excuse me. Am I getting the car?
Red: We didn't say that. Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric. Not in this life.
Kitty: A car is a responsibility.
Red: You'll need insurance. Do you have any idea how much insurance is?
Kitty: A car is a privilege.
Red: Oil changes, road flares, fluids, that's your job.
Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.
Red: Always yield. Always!
Kitty: Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen.
Red: If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.
Kitty: And no doughnuts, either. [off Red's look] Ants.

Quote from Hyde

Hyde: Eric. It is time.
Eric: Why don't you do it?
Hyde: It's your house.
Kelso: Your house.
Hyde: Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In 10 minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
Eric: If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me.
Hyde: I'm willing to take that risk.
Kelso: Don't worry about it. Just remain calm, keep moving.
Donna: And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.
Eric: What's wrong with your dad's hair?
Donna: Just don't look at it.
Hyde: And, Eric, cold. Definitely cold.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie: Who did we exchange for him?

Quote from Red

Kitty: Oh, the kids are off. I wonder where they're going.
Red: Out of town.
Kitty: Are you sure?
Red: Of course. I told them not to.
Kitty: So I guess they'll be gone for a while.
Red: Yeah. [both sit still for a moment] Let's go. [both run upstairs]

Page 2