Red: Did you take those books back to the library like I asked you?
Eric: Yeah. I took them back.
Red: Well, then why did I see them in the backseat of your car?
Eric: I took them back... to the car. Which means that they're practically at the library.
Laurie: You know, Dad, I feel sorry for all the good kids who wanted to read those books. That's who I feel sorry for.
Eric: Okay, it's five books. A nickel a book. Big deal, I'm out a quarter.
Red: It's not about the money, son. It's about the rules. And without rules, we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Kitty: You know what's interesting?
Red: No.
Kitty: When you talk to Laurie, you actually have a conversation, but with Eric, you just give orders.
Red: Kitty, he said no to me.
Kitty: Well, he's getting older, Red. I think it's time you two developed a friendship, 'cause if you don't, he'll move away and we'll never see him again. Is that what you want? [Red keeps reading his newspaper] Red.
Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too twitchy.
Kitty: Well, Red, until I see you make some kind of effort I'm just gonna keep bringing it up.
Red: Threats aren't gonna work, Kitty.
Kitty: In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching, I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking.

Laurie: So I just said to myself: "I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money. I'm going home to see my parents. Because I love them very much."
Red: Oh...
Kitty: Oh, my. Oh, well, will you look at these? [holds up men's boxers]
Laurie: Yeah, Mom, all the girls are wearing them.

Red: The library closes in a half an hour, so get your ass over there.
Eric: Dad, you know, all my friends are downstairs so-
Red: Hey, hey, hey, pal, I'm not the bad guy here. Now, you screwed yourself when you didn't return those books. Now go.
Eric: No.
Red: [stands up] Did you say, "no"? Are you telling me, "no"? Is that what I'm hearing?
Eric: Yeah.
[Red and Eric face off as The Good, the Bad and the Ugly theme plays]
Kitty: Oh, dear.

Midge: Bob, I'm thinking of starting therapy.
Donna: Okay, I'm gonna be- Bye.
Bob: Therapy? That's for crazies.
Midge: You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.
Bob: How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.
Midge: Yeah, but what do I do?
Bob: You fill out that sweater real nice.
Midge: You are so... Ugh!
Bob: What? That's a compliment.

Kitty: Sit down, Laurie, have some ribs.
Laurie: Mom, you know I'm on my water and yogurt diet.

Red: This isn't gonna work, you know? We're gonna kill each other.
Kitty: Fine, kill each other. Just do it together.

[As Red sits in the passenger seat and Eric drives, the gang are fighting in the backseats]
Red: Both hands on the wheel, Eric. Ten and two. Ten and two!
Eric: Dad, if you want to drive-
Red: No. That's all right. I'm just one of the gang. Yield, damn it! That sign says, "yield."
[cut to Red in the driver's seat and everyone else sitting in silence as Glen Campbell's "Rhinestone Cowboy" plays on the radio]
Red: That's better.

Bob: There I was sitting in the kitchen. Sitting in the kitchen, when, boom! She tells me she needs therapy. Yeah, Midge and I had a beautiful thing, Fezzy, then it all went wrong.
Hyde: Yeah, Bob, women are hell. Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over?
Bob: I could get you sodas, 'cause I know you're underage.
Hyde: Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you. And you need friends. And beer.
Bob: Hey, how stupid do you think I am?
Hyde: Why don't we grab a beer and we'll talk it over?
Bob: Ah, no.
Hyde: Well, then, Bob, you're on your own.
Fez: See how you drive people away?

Midge: It's a gathering of his souls in progress. Over drinks.
Laurie: Free drinks? I'm in.
Kitty: Oh, that's nice. That's music to a mother's ears.