Bob: Donna, if that's your baby, I'm gonna snap Eric in half.
Donna: Dad, don't you think you would have noticed if I was pregnant?
Bob: Not really. I'm not that hands-on of a dad. Anyhoo, I bought a hammock and put it up in the den 'cause it's too cold outside. Now I need someone to push me.
Fez: Sure, I'll push you in the hammock, Bob. Then I'll climb up a tree and pluck you a fresh coconut. I don't think so, Bob.
Bob: Okay, it's your loss, but I'm a big tipper.

Bob: Hey, Angie, can you recommend a record? Something Dean Martin-y but not Dean Martin. 'Cause I don't like that he didn't wave to me in Atlantic City.
Angie: Well, I don't know much about Dean Martin, but I do know that the top-selling record this week is Blondie.
Bob: A broad, huh? She jazzy?
Angie: Well, I know she's blonde.
Hyde: Here you go, Bob, try this Joey Bishop. He swings like Dean, but he'll wave at anybody.

Eric: Hey.
Bob: Don't you "hey" me. My daughter stayed home from college for you. She could've had a bright future. Sure, she wouldn't be president of a company or anything 'cause she's a gal. But she would have been one hell of a secretary.

Bob: You still got me, cupcake.
Donna: Thanks, Dad.
Bob: If it makes you feel any better, he's gonna be sorry. I read some place that in Africa they got a bug that burrows in your brain and shoots out your eyes like worm bullets.

Donna: Dad, it's 4:00 in the morning. What are you doing up?
Bob: Spending a little time with the Colonel. So why are you up?
Donna: Eric's calling from Africa. You know, I never realized how nerdy he was until I started spending three bucks a minute filling him in on Battlestar Galactica.
Bob: Well, I'll give you your privacy. I like eating chicken better in bed, anyway. Everything is a napkin.

Bob: Hi, sweetie. Oh, a letter for Eric. Want me to mail it for you?
Donna: No, no, no, I got it.
Bob: But I love going to the post office. I have these funny things I say when the line is moving slow, like, "Hey, where did I park my dinosaur?"
Donna: Um... okay. But you know it's illegal to tamper with mail, right?
Bob: Yeah, but it's not illegal to complain about a slow-moving line! "Hey, can we speed it up? My pet snail is getting away."
Donna: That's good stuff, Dad.

Bob: Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.
Red: We?
Bob: I spent all my money on this costume.

Bob: You guys, something terrible happened. Fatso the Clown was stolen.
Kitty: What? But he was a Wisconsin landmark. He's been sitting on that bun since I was a little girl.
Bob: I feel so guilty. I was the last one to talk to him. We had an awful fight.
Red: What are you crying about? It was a speaker with a face on it.
Kitty: Oh, he was more than that. He was a part of our history.
Bob: I got a lot of warm memories about that place, too. I knocked up Midgy in the parking lot.
Kitty: Don't you remember, Red? When we were dating, we used to go to Fatso Burger every Friday night, and just dream about our future.
Red: I thought we were just eating burgers. Women are always doing something else!
Bob: That's true. Midgy was drinking a shake when I knocked her up.

Bob: If you can't find any gift ideas for Donna in here, just give her what I do: coupons for 15 minutes of Bob-time.

Bob: Okay, Donna, your valentine's here! I thought we'd start with some hangman, then move into something that really gets the pulse racing, like Yahtzee.
Donna: All right, just so long as when you get Yahtzee you don't yell, "Poopsie!"
Bob: That's not a promise I can make.