Kelso: Look, man, tell Donna to just lay off, okay? Africa is gonna be awesome. You know, they have this bug over there that burrows into your brain, and it lays, like, a thousand eggs. And then, when the eggs hatch, they, like, shoot out of your head like little worm bullets.
Eric: Kelso, those worms aren't in Africa. They're on the planet Zorgon, which is from a comic book that you wrote.
Kelso: Just trying to generate a little buzz.

Eric: So, the upshot is I have absolutely no money for college.
Donna: Eric, don't worry, there are plenty of ways to get money for school.
Hyde: Yeah, man, you could always get a football scholarship.
Jackie: Hey, look, he weighs about as much as a football, and people do like to kick him.

Eric: Hey, great news. I'm on my way to becoming a teacher. I filled out all my college applications in red pen. [chuckles] That's a little... It's like a little teacher joke.

Kitty: Well, now, look at him, out of bed and doing something productive before noon. Honey, you're like a Marine.
Red: A Marine? The only time I ever saw him storm a beach was when he was running away from a jellyfish.

Eric: Dad, how am I supposed to pay for college?
Red: Look, with this damn mild winter, nobody's muffler rusted. I tried to rust them. I went out at night and sprinkled salt all over the streets.
Kitty: Not my good kosher salt?
Red: Yes, Kitty, I sprinkled the streets of Point Place with your half-pound bag of salt.

Eric: Wait, Mom, you knew about this? And you just said, "Please, go ahead. Take my son's college money and use it on a muffler shop"?
Kitty: No. I think your father asked me if I thought you would amount to anything, and I said, "I really, really hope so." And then he said, "I'm spending Eric's college money on my muffler shop." And then I made the best blueberry cobbler I have ever made.
Hyde: Man, that was good.
Red: Best cobbler ever.
Eric: Huh! I remember that cobbler. I always wondered why, when I said it was so good, you said, "At least I can give you this," and started to cry.
Red: Well, look at the bright side. There's always a place for you at a failing muffler shop.

Fez: I know what you should do. You should go to Hollywood and become the next Gene Wilder. That guy's a laugh riot.

Kelso: Okay, I'm breaking up with Angie. All we have anymore is hot sex.
Fez: Hot sex? All I have is hot soup. Can't make love to that. Too damn hot.

Donna: So, Kelso, you gonna break up with her your usual way? Send a note saying you got kidnapped by kung fu robots?
Kelso: No, it won't work with her. She doesn't even believe in kung fu robots.

Eric: Whoa. Kelso, you never break up with a girl to her face. You usually have me tell her you're dead. And then when she eventually sees you, you have me tell her you're a ghost.
Jackie: Michael, why don't you do what you did with me? Toilet paper my house.
Kelso: No, I can't do that to Angie. I respect her too much 'cause she agreed to have sex with me so fast.
Hyde: Look, I don't care how you do it. I'm just happy you won't be violating my sister anymore.
Kelso: Yeah, I know you hated it, Hyde. I would have broken up with her sooner if I didn't find it so hilarious. [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] Dude, you be nice or I will marry her.