Cosmo Kramer Quotes Page 3 of 51
Quote from The Blood
Kramer: My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.
Employee: Well, we can transfer to another bank for you.
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. No more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with my money!
Quote from The Junk Mail
Mail Clerk: May I help you?
Kramer: Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
Mail Clerk: Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it?
Kramer: Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently.
Quote from The Apology
Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Kramer: Jerry, guess where I'm calling from.
Jerry: World War I plane?
Kramer: No, I'm in my shower. I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner. And then I asked myself why. I mean, this is where I wanna be. I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.
Jerry: When are you getting out?
Kramer: I'm not. I'll see you later, buddy.
Quote from The Switch
Kramer: [enters] What's so funny? What?
Elaine: Cosmo?
Kramer: All right. All right. Okay, so you the name now. The cat is.... out of the bag.
Jerry: Well, I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.
Elaine: It's not such a bad name.
Kramer: Well, you know, all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!
Quote from The Cigar Store Indian
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?
Quote from The Millenium
Kramer: Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist, uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru. And uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh. Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables. You know, the real uh, gritty-gritty. [eats chips]
Gladys: Well, let me show you what we have.
Kramer: Well, uh, I think I can just browse around on my own. [eats chips] Hmm, Machu Pichu. Are these free?
Gladys: Yeah.
Kramer: Hmm-mmm.
[Kramer walks over to a rack, indiscriminately takes a selection of clothes, and then starts choking on the chips on his way to the changing room]
Gladys: Some of those are women's clothes.
Kramer: Oh, not a problem.
[Kramer closes the curtain. The sound of a pricing gun can be heard. Kramer drops it and then steps on it.]
Quote from The Stock Tip
Kramer: You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Centrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
Jerry: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?
Kramer: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: "Oh, man". You got mustard on your tie.
Jerry: Oh, no!
Kramer: You just... tear it off, and you got a new one right here. Then you're gone.
Jerry: You're gone, all right.
Quote from The Abstinence
Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was Career Day?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
George: You got bumped from Career Day?
Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now, why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
Quote from The Muffin Tops
Jerry: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?
Kramer: Here you go. Here you go. Check it out.
Jerry: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.
Kramer: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.
Jerry: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
Kramer: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.
George: What's desert?
Kramer: Bite-size 3 Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.
George: He eats those?
Kramer: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.
Quote from The Movie
Kramer: Will you do me a favor? If you see a guy who's about 5 foot 11, he's got a big head and flared nostrils,
tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?