Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper's changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It's softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll.
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
George: Okay, okay, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point.

Car Washer: We can give it the full executive treatment. That includes complete deionization of the entire vehicle. We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it deionize, vacuum the spray out with a deionizing machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners. In your case, I would recommend the jasmine or the potpourri.
Jerry: Let's do it.

George: I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor.
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: Well what do you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going "This was nineteen sixty-five". To me, the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. "Need some help?" "No, just getting some air."

Jerry: You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday. You saw Puddy!
Kramer: Oh, hoochie-moochie.
Jerry: Game over. Pay up.
Elaine: No, it was an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together.
Jerry: Then what do you call it? People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Elaine: It was no big deal, okay? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.
Jerry: Ah, dinner! That's it. You're all the way back!
Elaine: Ugh!
Jerry: Sex, that's meaningless. I can understand that. But dinner, that's heavy. That's like an hour.

Sherry: Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old. We were gonna send Marsha to a private school, cause in some way they don't learn enough ... I think.
Jerry: So, Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?
Sherry: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.
Jerry: Purple? You sure it wasn't orange?
Sherry: Positive. And I was chewing Dentyne. I always chewed Dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?
Jerry: No Black Jack?
Sherry: Uck. Licorice gum? Never!
Jerry: What else?
Sherry: We were reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book,
Jerry: Tropic of Cancer.
Sherry: No, Tropic of Capricorn
Jerry: Tropic of Capricorn?
Sherry: Remember? "What holds the world together, as I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse."
Jerry: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from Tropic of Capricorn. I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer. And then...
[flashback to high-school age Jerry giving the book to George in the locker room]
Sherry: Where you going?
Jerry: It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. [to an old man] It was George!

Jerry: Nice shotgun.
Police Officer: Thanks.
Jerry: Clean as a whistle.
George: You could eat of that shotgun.
Jerry: What is that, a 12 gauge?
Police Officer: Yeah.
Jerry: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
George: My favorite.
Jerry: Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
George: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.

Elaine: Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine: Oh, Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.

Kramer: Hey, Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
Kramer: Come on, I'll rub some on you.
Jerry: No, that's not sweetening the deal. No.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, klatches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol. And maybe a rag for your squeegee.