[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back and forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar folded paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings are, so I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker to do the job for me. So I can go, "Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote, I think the same thing." Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a Boy and our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office."

Jerry: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."
George: Yup.
Jerry: Big matzo ball.
George: Huge matzo ball.
Jerry: Those damn "I love you" returns.

Kramer: Look at you. You've got another gig.
Jerry: I don't want another gig. I'm not doing this.
Kramer: But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.
Jerry: We're talking federal crime here.

George: I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.
Jerry: What? The two of you working in that garage is like a steel cage death match.

Newscaster: [on TV] Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weaver's one-woman show.
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Okay, so, I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop, right? He's like, "Stop doing your show." And I'm like, "Hello, it's a free country." So then he goes, "Okay, schmutzie." Then he starts pawing at my sweater, right? And getting all, you know, "Hands Across America."
Jerry: There really was schmutz. I didn't try and grab her.
Sally Weaver: And this is what he looks like when he is eating:
Jerry: [turns TV off] Get out of my house.

Jerry: Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door.
Phil: And?
Jerry: I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there.
Phil: That's my wife.
Jerry: All right, I think we're done here.

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, do your act.
Jerry: I can't. Nobody's even listening.
Helen Seinfeld: They're all gonna leave.
Jerry: Oh God! [over microphone] Hey! How you folks doing tonight? [loud chatter]
Man: Who are you?
Jerry: Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?
Woman: Not my Harry. He flies first class.
Jerry: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?
Man: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!
Helen Seinfeld: Do the dog routine.
Jerry: All I said was I liked the pen!
Elaine: [shouts as Brando] Stella!

Jerry: So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.
Ronnie: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?
Jerry: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
Ronnie: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.
Jerry: Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.
Jerry: Yeah, well, won't be long.

Mike: Guess what. I just started my own business. I'm a bookie.
Jerry: No openings in arson?
Mike: Either of you guys wanna place a bet, I'm your guy.
Kramer: No, no, no. No bets for me. I got a disease.
Jerry: I'm feeling a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. [walks off]

Nina: And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone.
Jerry: What are you, a scientist?
Nina: Ah. Gotta go. It was great talking. [exits]
Jerry: Great talking to you. What the hell is e-mail?