Ted: So I hear they're making that office into the ladies' locker room?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer. Hey, maybe, whoever's over here might not stay there forever.
[later:]
Dr. Mitchell: Well, I'm doing a research fellowship, so I'll be anywhere from 15 to 25 years.
Ted: That's a long time.
Dr. Mitchell: Yeah!
Ted: [to Dr. Kelso] You'll probably be dead.

J.D.: [v.o.] Let's face it, most days start like any other. But some days...
Turk: Well?
J.D.: It's beautiful. But my parents will kill me if I marry a black guy. [laughs]

Todd: [signaling to his crotch] Have you two met?
Elliot: Todd, you're overcompensating, you're gay, and you need to be OK with it.
Todd: Oh, yeah? If I'm gay, how come I work out so much?

Dr. Kelso: Ted, Dr. Koppleman has notified me that he will be vacating the office next to mine. His deteriorating health has made it impossible for him to continue with us.
Ted: Oh, dear, should we send him a card?
Dr. Kelso: Absolutely. See if you can find one that says, "Crippling arthritis or not, I want you out of my hospital by sundown so I can knock down your wall and make myself a giant office."
Ted: You're a wonderful man.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Ted, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but a man's office is a reflection of who he is, don't you think?
Ted: [water leaks] Yeah.

Janitor: Can I borrow a pen?
J.D.: Here. Take this one.
Janitor: Thanks.
J.D.: See? We don't always have to be like [bickering voices]. We can be, like, "Hey, how you doing?" "Good, thanks." This can work. We can be there for each other.
Janitor: It's just a pen, Scooter, not a kidney. Thanks.
J.D.: No. You keep it.
Janitor: Really? Makes me look smarter. Heh. Off to scrub the crappers.

Dr. Cox: The thing is pregnancy puts such an extra strain on your heart that, had we known about this beforehand, we would've strongly suggested you think twice about getting pregnant before getting the valve repaired.
Mrs. Larkin: I would've done it anyways.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you would've. You've got a healthy supply of pluck, don't you?
Mr. Larkin: I can't breathe.
Mrs. Larkin: You're OK. Let's do this.
Dr. Cox: I love the pluck.

Turk: You've had six bran muffins, Ralphie. How is it that you don't have to go yet?

Mr. Larkin: So you're telling me if we don't deliver the baby now, my wife could die, and if we do, our child probably won't live.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, as a doctor, I wish my life was more like my favorite TV show.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Oh, come on, death isn't that bad, especially if you're dying from laughter. You're on Candid Camera.
Mr. Larkin: No, I'm not! Honey, no!
Dr. Cox: I'll give you "Honey, no." Come out.
Mr. Larkin: Where are the cameras?
J.D.: We gotcha. There's a camera there. There. And there.

J.D.: Congratulations. When are you gonna ask her?
Turk: Tonight. I'm going to make her a nice dinner and then I'm going to put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: Might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-it-all, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you go to get, like, 50 candles, right? Spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals.
Turk: Right, because the roses are beautiful and make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Carla: What are you talking about?
Turk: Nothing. Guy talk.
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hos.

J.D.: [v.o.] Elaine's been on top of the heart transplant list so long, she's in and out of here almost as much as I am.
J.D.: Hey, homeslice, we talked about this. You don't get into bed until I come in so I can see your booty.
Elaine: If I finally get a damn heart, I'll let you eat ice cream off it.
J.D.: You are naughty.