Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, are you off for the day?
Elliot: Oh, I just didn't have a place to change.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Nurse Roberts: Don't you usually wait to get home before you do that?

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
[later:]
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.

Janitor: Thanks for the pen.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: Yeah, this was my favorite T-shirt. And this is my favorite skin.