Ted: Have you ever worked as a receptionist before?
Alexis: That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.
Ted: Okay, and how are your typing skills?
Alexis: Well, you've seen me text.
Ted: Mmm-hmm. And how are you at spreadsheets?
Alexis: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there. I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now, is my positive attitude. And I don't wanna brag, but "Us Weekly" once described me as "up for anything."

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Alexis: Here's the thing you should know about my Dad. Sweetest little guy, gives the worst gifts.
Stevie: Okay, well that makes me feel a little better.
Alexis: Like he built David a basketball court for his Bar Mitzvah.
Stevie: Oh, boy, okay.
Alexis: Mm hmm. And unfortunately, the only way to like, train it out of him, is to show him just how wrong the gift is. Like, David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for 10 minutes, until the ball hit the rim, and then bounced back in his face. But it actually worked out perfectly, because all David really wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, was a nose job. They took the court down the next day.

Alexis: David, you look so cute under there! Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person, or something.

David: If you must know, I sent Patrick off to have dinner with that guy who gave him his number today.
Alexis: That hot piece from the store? Why would you do that?
David: Because I think it's funny, and I also think it's important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.
Alexis: What if he doesn't come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I'd send them off with someone who like, wasn't a threat. Like, Pippa Middleton, or Rihanna.

Twyla: This is so exciting! I've never been in a musical before. Although I did have a cousin who was in Riverdance until she got trampled.
Alexis: Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, but I only lasted like, two weeks. Because apparently, I'm "too pretty".

Ted: Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it on you this morning, okay? Because you mean way more to me than some dumb once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
Alexis: Ted, I don't know what to say. I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here...
Ted: Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
Alexis: Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbour".

Stevie: Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
Alexis: Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

Alexis: Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder why things just can't be easier?
Twyla: Why, what's going on?
Alexis: Ted got a job.
Twyla: Another one?
Alexis: No, the same one.
Twyla: He got offered the same job he already has?
Alexis: No, same job, they just want him to stay longer, like forever.
Alexis: Oh. Yeah, so it's like what now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England. It was, like, too rainy.

Producer: Just hit record.
Alexis: [imitating Moira] "Try one of our in-flight meals, if you dare... at Larry Air." I'm sorry, this is not... This is not good, so... Hmm, hmm, hmm!