Jocelyn Schitt Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from The Drip

Jocelyn: I teach high school.
Moira: Oh, you're a saint.
Jocelyn: I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although, I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.
Roland: Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm?
Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute.

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Quote from Turkey Shoot

Jocelyn: Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was "pitching a tent." He had a boner!
Johnny: Oh.
Jocelyn: And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids, and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so... What was your question again?
Johnny: You know, it's been so long I can't remember.

Quote from The Rollout

Moira: But shame on them for summoning a woman in your condition.
Jocelyn: Oh no, I've been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge. I feel like I'm on "The Voice"!

Quote from Moira Rosé

Jocelyn: Alexis, can I still go on the trip? I'm not saying that I need it. It's just last weekend I snuck Roland Jr. Into the ball room at Ikea, just so I could eat a meatball by myself.

Quote from Singles Week

Jocelyn: [bouncing on a ball] Moira, you don't have to stay, Roly will be here any minute, and I know how much the singles event means to you.
Moira: No, no, Jocelyn, normally I wouldn't even consider leaving, but Alexis Alexis has never handled this kind of responsibility. And I would just hate to see it all come clattering down around her.
Jocelyn: Okay, Moira. Moira, if I may... Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that, but what I can say is this. I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for.
Moira: Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.
Jocelyn: We all have fears as parents, Moira, but at some point, we just have to believe in our kids.

Quote from The Drip

Moira: [quietly] John.
Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivian Blake bitch face!
Moira: Excuse me?
Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on Sunrise Bay.
Moira: Thanks.
Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for Sunrise Bay. I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper.

Quote from Turkey Shoot

Jocelyn: I just wanted to say how fun it was to spend the day with you.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who owes you a big thank you.
Jocelyn: I also wanted to apologize for Janine ruining your wig.
Moira: No, don't be silly. I was I was about to find a shower cap.
Jocelyn: I know you hate your hair, Moira. Almost as much as you hate this town. But there's a possibility you could be here a really long time. May I offer you something? The people here are just trying to help you, and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning. Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's. Or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us. And I would hate for that day to catch you by surprise.

Quote from Asbestos Fest

Jocelyn: What are you saying?
Moira: I'm saying I am stepping out of the limelight, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: But we already re-printed the posters from "TV's Moira Rose," to "Television's Moira Rose!"
Moira: And that's great, that will get them in the door and then the kids take over from there! That's-
Jocelyn: Okay. I see what's going on here. Somebody's got cold feet.
Moira: Ha ha. Blocks of ice. I bit off more than I could chew.
Jocelyn: You know what, Moira, we have all been there. Yeah. On my wedding day, I thought, what if I just got in my car and drove to New Mexico, and left Roland at the altar at the Elmdale Bingo Hall? Bottom line, I got cold feet too, and I faced my fears, and now look at us! 27 years of bliss.
Moira: Was I to perceive something encouraging within that little anecdote?

Quote from Turkey Shoot

Moira: There you are, John! Where did my towel go?
Jocelyn: Moira! Nanaimo bars. Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

Quote from Murder Mystery

Jocelyn: I'm fine, here's the thing. These parties are not great. Last year, it went until 3 am, and Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer. And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Quote from Motel Review

Jocelyn: Okay, there are just parts of this that make me think that's not true. For example, "We should begin by scrutinizing the duplicitousness of such businesses, whose practices, or lack thereof, can only be described as untoward." Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that. And untoward?
Alexis: Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this. Can I see?

Quote from Stop Saying Lice!

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, having your name on a small, local garden wouldn't take away from any of those other amazing achievements.
Moira: You might think, but this little particular little tribute was bought by my husband, in an attempt to assuage my ego.
Jocelyn: And that would be different from the other times because...?
Moira: Well, I mean, of course philanthropy and recognition always go hand in hand, but...
Jocelyn: Listen. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I think it would make Johnny really happy to make you happy. I mean, take Roland. Every year he buys me coconut macaroons, and I just don't have the heart to tell him I am really allergic to coconut. Yeah, every Valentine's Day I just rash right up. [laughs] Last year my throat almost completely shut.

Quote from The Rollout

Moira: Jocelyn, for the sake of that woman, you must push for the maximum sentence!
Lawyer: Your Honor!
Judge: Hold on. You two know each other?
Jocelyn: Not really, we just got to talking on the way in. I- I wouldn't say we were close.
Judge: All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.
Jocelyn: Motherfucker. This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Quote from The Hospies

Jocelyn: Hey. You're home. I was just gonna leave you that little note and a box of chocolates.
Alexis: I got the part, didn't I? Come in, come in! Ohhh Yay! Nom nom!
Jocelyn: I now see that there are different ways to interpret chocolates. Alexis, I just wanted to say...
Moira: Am I hearing Jocelyn?
Alexis: Yeah, she's come to tell me the good news!
Moira: Oh, did she? Chocolates? Are we celebrating, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: The chocolates were a mistake.

Quote from Moira Rosé

Twyla: I didn't know they'd make us change out of our own workout clothes.
Jocelyn: Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I spent all that money on my LuLu Limes.

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