Alexis: Honey, I'm home.
Ted: Oh, shouldn't I be the one saying that?
Alexis: A little something to celebrate the end of the week.
Ted: Yeah.
Alexis: Whoop!
Ted: Uh, except it's Neuterpalooza week at work, and I still have two days of spaying and neutering ahead of me.
Alexis: Oh, let's stop saying "neutering", 'cause it's killing my buzz!

David: This is not how I wanted to spend my night.
Alexis: Me neither. And David, I know what you're thinking, they're probably back at his house, listening to Frank Ocean, laughing, and re-hydrating.
David: Yeah, the more I think about this, the more I realize it was way too early to have introduced this into the relationship. I mean, I thought I was being mature, but in actuality, it was just a classic case of self-sabotage.
Alexis: Chill, David. Hey! [thumps table] Yes, those are all valid points, but this is a moment of growth for you. Was it flawlessly executed? No. Would I have done it? Hell no.
David: Okay, if this is intended to be helpful, you can leave now.
Alexis: But what I was gonna say is, if a cute guy that walks into your store is enough to unravel your whole relationship, you're better off knowing that now, than in a year from now.

Alexis: Ew! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet...

Alexis: Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger.
Joan: Well, she has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Alexis: Okay. I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy, pro bono. And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger, we'll work on my contract and my salary, and then we'll get things going from there.
Johnny: Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie, and if we have a publicist at our disposal.
Stevie: Would we call her a publicist?
Alexis: Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.
Stevie: Hmm.
Alexis: And I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place for the motel.

David: Oh my god, Alexis, I am suffering romantically right now, and there was a minute when I thought I would never have to look at another dating app, and here you are shoving Bumpkins in my face.
Alexis: It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.