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41Quotes from ‘The Presidential Suite’

Schitt's Creek: The Presidential Suite

608. The Presidential Suite

Aired February 25, 2020

Johnny and Moira decide to sneak away to a classy room at the new motel. Meanwhile, David and Patrick have engagement photos taken, and Ted unexpectedly drops in on Alexis.

Quote from Moira

Roland: You know that staycation we've been talking about? Why don't we just do that here?
Johnny: Well, Roland, that-that sounds good, but, uh, that just can't happen. As a new business owner it's dangerous to treat your assets as personal possessions.
Moira: That's my John. At Rose Video, he made me purchase the Blu-ray of my gritty feminist police drama, "Miranda Rights".
Jocelyn: I rented that three times. Miranda is so sassy when she went undercover for that wet T-shirt contest.

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Quote from Ted

Alexis: Okay, here's what I'm thinking, we do that like three to four more times, and then we go on a romantic walk to your house and we like hang out there for a little bit.
Ted: Yeah um, that plan sounds really active, Alexis.
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Ted: But, uh, my mom's staying at my place and, uh, I'd rather not walk in on her and her Zumba instructor. Don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Is everything okay? It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.
Ted: No, it's, it's not that.
Alexis: Okay, then what is it?
Ted: I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.
Alexis: You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder why things just can't be easier?
Twyla: Why, what's going on?
Alexis: Ted got a job.
Twyla: Another one?
Alexis: No, the same one.
Twyla: He got offered the same job he already has?
Alexis: No, same job, they just want him to stay longer, like forever.
Alexis: Oh. Yeah, so it's like what now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England. It was, like, too rainy.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Okay, alright, hold it up and hold it taut please.
Roland: I'm sorry, taut? [laughs] What is that, old English? How 'bout I hold it tight?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, hi, Patrick, I almost didn't recognize you, you look like one of those people who has that skin condition from eating one too many carrots.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [screams]
Johnny: Moira, what's going on in there?
Moira: Oh! It's my hands, John. It's the water. It's freezing cold.
Johnny: Well, then move your hands.
Moira: How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?
Johnny: Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You've gotta balance it with the hot.
Moira: [shuts water off] Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Johnny: Okay, Moira.
Moira: Excuse me while I try to pass through. Oh, John, these door frames. It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.
Johnny: I think, uh, the point's been made, Moira.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, so you're willing to reconsider a room upgrade?
Johnny: Upgrade? Oh, I thought you were talking about a romantic weekend.
Moira: Well, we start with a weekend and go from there. You don't believe we deserve this perquisite, John? At least until we secure a way out of here.
Johnny: Moira, yeah, the room is bigger. It might even be nicer, but haven't we managed to make due here in this room over the past few years?
Moira: Yes, in the same way road crustaceans are known to make due in old soda cans.
Johnny: And what about the kids? We're just going to abandon them here?
Moira: They're practically middle-aged and they're not denying theirselves betterment, why should we?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Well, I appreciate the gesture, Alexis. So I feel like there's an elephant in the room and I skipped the class that taught us how to care for large mammals and I don't know how to get it to leave.
Alexis: You can't move back here, Ted. You've just been offered the job of your dreams and there's no turning back now. And just think of all those gross little flies that are still out there for you to discover.
Ted: Actually, those flies are an invaluable piece of the puzzle in the study of evolution. But, yes, we do have our fingers crossed that there are still a few more out there. What about you, what are you gonna do?
Alexis: This might come as a shock to you, Ted, but... I can't move to the Galapagos.
Ted: I wouldn't let you even if you tried. You're building something special here, Alexis, and you deserve to see where it takes you. I'm so proud of you.
Alexis: I'm so proud of you. I'd like to think that we helped each other get here.
Ted: I know that we did.
Alexis: And when you get on that plane tomorrow I want you to know how grateful I am to have met you.
Ted: I don't think I'm ever gonna meet another woman who made me feel the way that you do.
Alexis: I'm sure there'll be, like, some other woman, somewhere.
Ted: Can't say that we didn't try.
Alexis: I love you, Ted.
Ted: I love you too.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Let's get to it, let's cut the ribbon. Roland.
Ronnie: Okay.
Johnny: Wanna hold that? Stevie, you wanna hold this, hold it up?
Stevie: Mr. Rose, do we really need to do this.
Johnny: Yeah, yes, yes we do. Moira, scissors. Hey, how about a drum roll, Stevie?
Stevie: I'd rather not.
Jocelyn: Yeah, you know what, I'm just gonna take off the blindfold.
Johnny: Okay. Moira, scissors please. Okay, what are these? These won't cut a ribbon.
Moira: They're cuticle shears, John. Do you expect hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse?

Quote from Jocelyn

Johnny: Okay, step one now complete, onto step two.
Moira: And what would that entail?
Johnny: Deep cleaning the rooms.
Moira: Well, I'd like to be put to use, what's step three?
Jocelyn: You know, I think I need to lie down, that blindfold was quite taut.

Quote from Ray

Ray: That's me in front of a volcano.
Patrick: Yeah.
Ray: In the jungle, in outer space, that's another volcano.

Quote from David

David: Ray, do you have anything that'll make us look a little less like the kind of couple that gets married at a theme park?
Patrick: Oh, I think what David is trying to say is maybe something a little simpler.
David: Yeah I'm looking for understated, Annie Leibowitz for Vanity Fair. I want us to look like two very rich people that have just woken up after fainting on a dusty old couch.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Mmm. I don't know if you've thought about wedding favors, but might I suggest mouse pads, I got thousands downstairs. Let me get you some samples.
David: Wonderful.

Quote from David

David: Anyway, I thought it would be festive if I got you a little pre-wedding gift.
Patrick: What?
David: Mm-hmm. I am sending you to get pampered before this afternoon's shoot.
Stevie: Do I get pampered?
David: No, you get to drive him to the spa where he will indulge in a relaxing five minute scalp massage followed by some light sun. That'll also give me enough time to art direct this situation 'cause clearly Ray wouldn't know my aesthetic if it ran him over.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Just as an example, here is a sample mouse pad that Jocelyn made for the computer lab at school. The Under the Sea theme is only available during winter months.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: You're here in the flesh. Hm, I missed you so much. Um, who's babysitting the turtles?
Ted: Well, I am a part of a team of 30 so they let me take the long weekend off.
Alexis: The long weekend? It's Sunday. It's over.
Ted: Yeah, I know, I was supposed to get here yesterday morning but my first connecting flight was delayed and then I got food poisoning from some bad milk on my second connecting flight.
Alexis: Ew Ted, they made you drink milk on the airplane?
Ted: No, I actually ordered it, and in my defence, they were serving cookies, so.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Okay, so um, how long do we actually have then?
Ted: Just today.
Alexis: Oh my God. Okay. Then enough about the milk thing even though I have like 50 more questions about it.
Ted: Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.
Alexis: Ooh, we definitely don't have time for that.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Boy, I look at this place, untouched from the 60s. These motels were a gold mine, Roland, all they need is a little dusting.
Jocelyn: And bleach, lots of bleach.
Johnny: You know, there are boutique hotels that would kill for this level of authenticity. I'm thinking of turning this place into the Presidential Suite and charging a premium for it.
Moira: I'm reminded, John, of Shanghai and our Party Secretary Suite with its own aquarium. I'd lay in a claw-foot tub watching the orcas.
Roland: Joc.
Moira: And we're back.

Quote from Jocelyn

Johnny: Hey, the sooner we get this place guest ready, the sooner we can start making a profit.
Roland: Yeah. Well, that sounds good to me. Bob's been charging us a fortune to babysit.
Jocelyn: Speaking of which, we should get going. Bob has his first cry therapy session tonight.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, if that isn't team work, I don't know what is.
Johnny: Ah, I know, the room looks pretty good, huh?
Moira: No, I'm... I'm talking about the way you and I, threw them off the fragrance so that we could keep this suite to ourselves.
Johnny: No, that's not what I was doing, Moira. No, it's very important at this stage to keep the bar set very high for Roland.
Moira: John.
Johnny: Now I just told them they couldn't stay here.
Moira: Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Are you sure this is what you want, David? This looks like someone put a tarp over their living room furniture.
David: Yeah, I'm going for an English estate in the off-season.
Ray: Okay, it's just, uh, do you really want these photos to say my relationship is an old estate in the off-season? Why don't I show you the county fair backdrop, I think a Ferris wheel would look so cute on a mouse pad.
David: I don't think we're gonna do the mouse pads.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Are you happy now, David? Is this what you wanted?
David: You look...
Patrick: I look like a cheese puff.
David: Okay, you said it, not me. Um what, uh, what ha, what happened? Did they use the Allez Vous bronzer on you?
Patrick: I don't know, David, they asked me what I wanted, I told them just to give me what you usually get.
David: Well, why would you do that? I'm practically Sicilian, you don't need that much sun.
Patrick: I don't know how it works, David.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: They wanna make me a permanent part of the research team in the Galapagos.
Alexis: Okay, define permanent.
Ted: It's a three year contract.
Alexis: Okay, that's a long time.
Ted: Yeah, I just, I keep waiting for things to get easier for us.
Alexis: So um, what are you gonna tell them?
Ted: I, I don't know, I mean I had three plane rides to think about it and, and I wanted to have a solution by the time I got here, but... seeing you, I don't wanna lose this.
Alexis: Okay, so what do we, what do we do? Do I like move to the Galapagos?
Ted: Or I move back here.
Alexis: And turn down your dream job. Okay, this just got like very heavy. I feel like I'm sweating, I also feel like very cold.
Ted: Yeah. I, I took the weekend because I want us to have a few days to talk about it, but then...
Alexis: Yeah, no, the milk, I know. Um, Ted, I think I'm gonna need a minute. You know that I can't make big decisions under pressure, that's how I ended up with a pixie cut at prom.
Ted: There has to be a way through this.
Alexis: I liked this a whole lot more before we started talking.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: There he is, my ginchy hotelier. How does it feel to be President in the Presidential Suite?
Johnny: [Boston accent] Well, uh, let me say this about that, Moira. Uh, if not now, when, if not us, who.
Moira: Are you alright, John?
Johnny: [normal accent] Oh, it's my JFK, just playing into the theme.
Moira: Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Yeah, so I must admit, sweetheart, I could get used to this.
Moira: I'm going to run a bath, John. Well, if I close my eyes I can almost hear the orcas calling to be fed or freed.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, if you must know, Jocelyn and I had been renting our extra bedroom to uh, help pay for this place.
Jocelyn: Yeah, and so we thought there's nobody here, it might be nice to have a weekend where a total stranger wasn't making themselves at home in my kitchen.
Johnny: Okay, look Roland, I may have been a bit too much of a stickler earlier.
Roland: Ah no. No, it's fine, Johnny. We'll just, uh... We'll just sleep in the truck with the baby. Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place. It would be like Wife Swap, except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: I've never stayed in a Presidential Suite.
Roland: [Boston accent] Enjoy it, honey, this one, uh, reminds me a lot of the uh, suites in, uh, Cuba before Castro took over.
Johnny: That's not... That's not JFK.
Roland: Yes, it's JFK, he's always...
Johnny: [Boston accent] Ask a not what your country can do for you.
Roland: Who said that?
Johnny: The man's from Boston.
Moira: John!
Roland: He didn't say... No he's not, he's from Upstate New York.
Johnny: Coming Moira.
Roland: And FDR said that.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: So the set menu for tonight is mozzarella sticks, four cheese lasagne, and a blueberry cheesecake for dessert.
Ted: Huh, that's a lot of dairy.
Alexis: All of your cheat day favourites. Also, I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation.


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