Ted Mullens Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from Singles Week

David: Um, so I just dropped off these, um, dog sweaters, for the pet adoption thing.
Ted: Okay, great, yeah. It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves.
David: Yes?
Ted: I'm sorry, I just I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game.
David: Um, no, your game is tight.


Quote from The Rollout

Ted: [talking to dogs] Just be outgoing, be open, and show them your best self. And don't worry, I'll be vetting everyone in advance.
Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Hi. How long have you been standing there?
Alexis: Um, long enough.
Ted: Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Quote from The Crowening

Patrick: You can do this, David! Just one step at a time!
Ted: You're looking pretty shaky there, David. I really hope we didn't "rope" you into something here.

Quote from The Job Interview

Alexis: Well, I guess if this is what you look like after finding some gross fly, I can forgive you for being away for so long.
Ted: [on Skype] I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.
Alexis: Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.
Ted: Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you that I've been thinking about you, a lot, especially at nighttime.

Quote from The Wingman

Ted: [on Skype] Hey, babe!
Alexis: Hey, babe!
Ted: Oh my God! Where are you? Is that the ocean? I wish. It's a poster of the ocean. 'Cause I'm actually in Stewart's dorm room right now because mine got evacuated last night - small fire ants issue.
Alexis: Yikes! Hope everything's okay.
Ted: It was a real "Fyre Fest." [chuckles]

Quote from The Presidential Suite

Alexis: Okay, here's what I'm thinking, we do that like three to four more times, and then we go on a romantic walk to your house and we like hang out there for a little bit.
Ted: Yeah um, that plan sounds really active, Alexis.
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Ted: But, uh, my mom's staying at my place and, uh, I'd rather not walk in on her and her Zumba instructor. Don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Quote from Family Dinner

Alexis: Um, I was hoping we could talk again.
Ted: Oh, well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test.
Alexis: Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down.
Ted: What?! No, she'll be fine! It's just her blood sugar!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no! I just mean while we talk, I think it would be... Um, easier.

Quote from Wine and Roses

David: I'm just not sleeping. I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated.
Ted: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.
David: What?
Ted: Kidding.

Quote from Opening Night

Tennessee: Hmm, we should probably get going. We were going to hit the hot springs before the sun sets!
Ted: Oh yeah, definitely want to get a soak in, before you tackle the cones. Which you must really be "pining" for by now!

Quote from Singles Week

Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. Hi. I'm Ted, I'm newly single. And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years.
Alexis: Do what?
[Ted and Alexis stand up. Ted kisses her. The crowd cheers]

Quote from Turkey Shoot

Ted: Um, I just feel like I have to warn you, what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls.
Alexis: Excuse me?
Ted: Uh, she's a sweet girl but her smoothies are deadly. Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients when they're feeling a little backed up.
Alexis: That's a lot of information.
Ted: I'm- I'm- I'm kidding. I'm actually not. I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

Quote from Ronnie's Party

Ted: You know, I have to say that I'm impressed. It's not everyone who can tell an old woman that her cat is dead, and set up a love connection, and sell our most expensive marble urn in the same three-minute conversation.

Quote from RIP Moira Roise

Heather: So how is it you know each other?
Ted: Um, well... Uh, well, Alexis and I worked together. She used to be my receptionist.
Heather: That's how I know your voice. You answered the phones at the vet's clinic.
Alexis: Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but... Oh, and Ted is the vet that you said you were dating.
Heather: Yes.
Alexis: Okay, because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, a War Vet.
Ted: Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

Quote from Allez-Vous

Alexis: I just really want my family to like you.
Ted: They don't like me?
Alexis: No, they do! They do, they've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness, they take advantage of nice.
Ted: No, nice does not always mean weak, it's-
Alexis: Okay, so get mad, then. Say something super mean.
Ted: What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.
Alexis: Okay well, consider it a kind of role play then, and just let it out.
Ted: I- I don't know. I find your brother can be a little pretentious sometimes.
Alexis: Yes, yes! He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

Quote from Allez-Vous

Alexis: This is good, keep going.
Ted: Well, and your mother seems to be a little uninformed at times.
Alexis: She's uninformed most of the time. This is great, this is really good. Keep going!
Ted: Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job- [Alexis shakes her finger at Ted] Too far?
Alexis: Mm-hmm. It's too far, okay.

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