Twyla: Were the crows nice?
Moira: Hm.
Twyla: My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.

Roland: Okay, Johnny. As soon as we get this place up and running the first order of business is to restock the vending machine. Do you know that all they had was this Drink Tyme Orange Sodas and one bag of Poly Puffs.
Johnny: All right, we're gonna have to get some brand names in there.
Roland: No, I'm saying get more of this. Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink. You can't argue with that kind of math.

Stevie: Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
Alexis: Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

Roland: It is a man. Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

Alexis: Also, black bow ties photograph better. I should know. I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year. At the GQ Men of the Year party.

Moira: John, draw the curtains. David!
David: What?
Moira: We're going to watch the "Crows" trailer. No! No, go away. Perhaps I should screen it privately first.
David: Okay. Well, I'm here now. So the least you could do is show me it.
[curtains rasp]
Alexis: Dad!
Moira: John, it's practically obsidian in here!
Johnny: You just said close the curtains!

[the trailer plays:]
Moira: Well, we best be returning to the lab, Nathaniel. It's getting [caws] dark.
Nathaniel: But it's the middle of the afternoon, must be a solar eclipse.
Moira: That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel! Those are birds! [cawing] Ahhh! And so... [caws] what have we done?!
Male voice: "The Crows Have Eyes: The Crowening."

Jocelyn: I just don't like horror movies. My first boyfriend took me to a Michael Meyers movie and I never got over it.
Moira: Not The Love Guru?

Male voice: [on computer] There was a time when the Crows were our friend...
Moira: It's halted. Someone hit resume.
Alexis: Just let it buffer.
Male voice: Friends.
Moira: [on computer] Well, we best be returning...
Alexis: Dad, I told you we needed to upgrade the Wi-Fi.
Moira: Oh, this is a no way an optimal viewing experience.

Alexis: Oh my God, David! I totally forgot about the wedding dream book!
David: Um, where did you find that?
Alexis: Um, I was looking for an earring and found it under your pillow. Anyway, you did it. You manifested your wedding and I'm like literally stunned.
David: You're stunned.
Alexis: Yeah, but like in a good way. Like think of all the people on the planet who find someone, somehow you're one of those people.
David: I don't know how to take that.
Alexis: I mean, you didn't end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman. But I actually feel like Patrick is kind of the best of both of them.